We’ve arrived at our second week of
me openly thirsting over Derrick the Are You The One: Second Chances recap. I just want to make an annoucenment to the fans, if you’re out there: If you like these recaps and are not just one of my friends I bullied into reading them, please like this, tweet this, comment on this—just show your love. Or hatred. Just show an emotion. Otherwise I may abandon these recaps because I’ve got other things to do with my Wednesday night. Most of which revolve around drinking heavily.
I am not even joking when Isay that I forgot Ryan Devlin wasn’t on this shit anymore and I got upset about it all over again. It was like when I went to sleep after the election and woke up and remembered it wasn’t all just a horrible dream. Allow me a minute while I go through the five stages of grief for a second time.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Rashida: The Choice is whether about whether you want to share or steal so it’s really based on trust.
Yes, Rashida. We established this.
Gio to Alicia: You know whatever money you take home is going to be half mine anyway.
This is week two, folks. Alicia, I’ll tell you what I’ve been telling Tom Schwartz, Carter, most of the cast of Vanderpump Rules, my own friends, myself everytime a guy texts me “Good Morning”…
Alicia: You don’t give a shit about your match, let’s be real.
Francesca, Gio, everyone watching:
Cam and Mikala are making out and Mikala’s like “Fuck the haters, we’re the only couple who’s actually in love.” Which again, isn’t wrong. Now that I think about it, are a single one of these so-called “perfect matches” actually in romantic relationships? And isn’t that, IDK, THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF THE SHOW?
Tori and Morgan are having another awkward talk. Or is it the same awkward talk as before and they just re-inserted the old footage? I think it is. Laziness, MTV. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Tori calls her relationship with Mike “the worst mistake of her life.” I hope Mike is not watching. Between getting branded as a woman beater AND the “worst mistake” of someone’s life, AYTO was not kind to him.
All right, time for some gratuitous twerking scenes. Let’s get it. Rashida and someone other girl (I can’t learn all the names, OK?) lick whipped cream off of Asaf’s abs, who has clearly taken a page out of Corinne’s plabook.
My face when Asaf calls Devin “Daddy” not once, but TWICE.
Nate: I have this problem where I see a pretty girl and I’m just like “I need I need.”
I do not believe that at all. Am I the ONLY one…?
Carolina thinks Nate is sexy. What? Are we living in the Twilight Zone? I know Beyoncé is married to Jay Z and all but this is taking things to new, broke heights.
Ellie is my spirit animal. “You are the reason all bitches hate men,” she drawls.
Nate and Carolina’s relationship is basically the “here for the wrong reasons” of this show.
Ellie: I just don’t want his mind wound up in vaginas.
Nate: Talk to me like an adult, not like raging crazy country girl.
Well that’s not fair considering I don’t think Ellie HAS any other way to talk.
Shanty is breaking out the clapping. in. be.tween. words. fighting strategy but when dd she get involved in this fight?
Nate: I like to be teased a little bit — Funny, because I just vommed in my mouth a little bit.
This theme’s challenge is “in sickness and in health,” or as The Squid explains it:
“When the mess goes down, one partner has to step up and pick up the slack” — Ryan Devlin he is not. We all know what “in sickness and in health” means. You trying to paraphrase that very common trope just made things more confusing.
Squid: One of you needs to decide which one of you is gonna be the caregiver and who’s gonna be a little more needy — aka let’s all watch gender roles play out in real time.
Asaf: I feel like a bean burrito.
They have to go to the state library of Victoria and then go back to the house. … K.
THEY ALL HAVE YELLOW CABS WAITING FOR THEM. IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE? WHAT IS EVEN CHALLENGING ABOUT THIS CHALLENGE?
Actual footage of me watching this challenge:
Task 1: Collect 20 “get well” messages from strangers. So basically these strangers have to sign their casts. Jesus fucking christ, I’ve done more work for a sorority scavenger hunt. This is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever seen. Put me in,
Kaylen: I’m the more serious person. I like to process things.
Asaf: *Dancing to himself during the interview*
Task 2: Find a clown and get him to check the cast. DIFFICULT.
Task 3: Go to the Melbourne City bath.
And once again, Ellie and Nate are at a disadvantage because Ellie is impossible to understand and Nate is just kinda weird.
Shanaynay: I’m honest and sometimes me being honest is just me being a bitch.
$10 says she also has “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best” as her cover photo.
How did Shanley fail at reading directions? Aren’t they in English? I legitimately don’t understand.
A pigeon grabs Francesca’s balloon and starts running away with it—this is the most drama that’s happened all episode. Courtesy of a pigeon. But was he hired by MTV?
Task 4: Find the doctor. Fill out medical paperwork.
What’s next? Do your taxes, give us your SSN just for shits and giggles?
Mikala is talking a bunch of shit about how she’s filled out Cam’s doctor forms before so she’s got this.
Mikala: Your birthday is April 3rd.
Cam: It’s April 2nd.
Alicia nails the challenge and is like MIKEY GET TF UP HERE YOU BITCH! Is she his perfect match or his trainer?
Now they have to cut off the casts. WITH A SAW. This seems like a badddd idea. Is nobody supervising this? Just some interns with cameras? I am deeply concerned.
All the teams reenact their own version of the Titanic “Do you trust me?” HOW WAS THIS STUNT APPROVED.
Karolina can’t find a cab to hail and this is triggering a full-on meltdown. Just look, with your special eyes.
Honestly I knew Asaf was born in Tel Aviv and I’m not even his perfect match.
Mike and Alicia come in first. They clearly practiced their victory handshake in the cab. I think they ripped it off from Parent Trap. I SEE YOU.
Hayden and Carolina get second.
Morgan and Tori get third.
We don’t care about the middle placers, right? K. Good.
Asaf is basically on the verge of tears and apologizing to Kaylen for being a deadweight and they don’t even come in last.
Kaylen: Don’t go in the house with your tail between your legs. own your shit.
Asaf: So we didn’t come in last?
Kaylen: Bruh did you hear wtf he just said? No.
Nate and Ellie come in last.
Hayden wants to go into the elimination and wants to steal and fuck Carolina over just because Carolina had a little temper tantrum.
Carolina: That was one time!
Is anybody gonna mention how Gio definitely just said the N-word? Is that chill? Is this too deep a conversation for an MTV spinoff? Okay, I’ll go fuck myself now. Mahalo.
Tori might go against the grain and vote in Sharon and Adam instead of Haylen and Carolina. *CUE THE SUSPENSE MUSIC*
Tori: I think people can hear me *as she looks around at all the cameras and microphones she’s surrounded by*
The host asks Carolina if there’s trust in her relationship and she’s like “Yeah definitely I think we proved that last week and we’re working together super well now.”
Adam and Shelby are voted in. Tori exposes herself as a snake in the process.
Devin: We have one snake in this house. And that’s Tori. Aka…
Devin & Rashida: Medusa.
Y’all gotta find something better to do with your time than rehearse one-liners in unison.
Franny says to Shayna “Well I picked you because I thought you were gonna steal” and Shanley says “I’m not gonna steal” but her eyes say “Bitch WTF we had a deal you were supposed to keep yo damn mouth shut.”
THE PRE-CHOICE HALLMARK MOMENT
This is what I will now be calling these unnecessary speeches they have to give before they dramatically press a button on a touch-screen.
Shanley: Listen, I know I don’t like you farting next to me but I’m not stealing the money and I’d expect you to do the same because we are extremely good friends inside and outside this house.
Inner Shanley (to the camera): Steal that fuckin money yo ass has no job and got $0 in ya bank account
Adam: You’re probably the coolest girl I’ve ever met and you’ve been the same person since day 1 and I’m 100% confident we’re both gonna share.
Strong words directed towards the girl who just admitted she has $0 in her bank account.
It all comes down to money vs. friendship. A classic American conundrum.
Adam chose … share
Stanley chose … SHARE. Damn it, does this mean I have to actually use her real name now?
A half-hearted round of applause follows.
Ellie and Nate are going home. They end with the following words of wisdom:
Nate: We’re perfect matches because we both have attitude problems.
Ellie: I’m a hopeless romantic, he’s a hopeless romantic … I guess he’s not a vagina.
Y’all are on two totally different wavelengths. I can see why you were eliminated. Peace.