Hi everyone, sorry this recap is late but either the weather change or my inability to drink fluids that aren’t of the fermented grape variety got me very sick. Lucky for you, I chased my DayQuil with a few glasses of Merlot and I’m feeling like a new woman.
So let’s review—last week, no matches continued to take a giant shit on this game. Zoe expressed the weirdest interest in Kareem, even though he’s all about Alivia and like, fucking unhinged. Also, there were condiments spread on Nurys’ nipple and licked off by a low budget live-action Johnny Bravo. Okay cool, we’re all caught up.
AT THE HOUSE
Malcolm and DD are all over each other now that Nurys brought the fuckin pantry to her lady bits. Malcolm’s like “DD knows just how to get me to move on!!” Oh, I’m sure she’s got some perfectly respectable methods.
Nurys thinks DD is a rebound, DD thinks she’s the love of Malcolm’s life, and I think they both are morons. Like seriously, what do you guys see in this dude besides the fact that he could pass as a Jason Derulo impersonator at a male strip club?
Dimetri and Nicole are cuddling and Dimetri literally only likes her body. Like seriously, he says that. On national television. What a guy.
Nicole is like “I love taking care of people that are immature” and it’s like, okay so go work at the Boys & Girls Club? The fuck.
Alivia acknowledges that even though she’s with Kareem, she “specifically requested a dumb Italian guy,” and apparently that guy is Keith. Who knew Keith is Italian? I feel like he’s def the redheaded stepchild of the Italian family. Keith looks like a poor man’s Chris Pratt—not Pauly D.
Kareem watches Alivia talk to Keith and is like “I’m a cute kind of jealous. When you are polite to someone else it’s like, NO FUCK THAT BE POLITE TO ME YOU DUMB BITCH. See, it’s cute.”
The girls are like, “we’ve been wanting to do a lingerie party for so long!” and it’s like, yeah cause y’all are hoes.
Dimetri immediately starts making sexual comments to every girl in the room, because ya know, that always works out. He’s like “I like Nicole but I really wanna fuck every girl here.” Ugh it’s such a bummer every time he opens his stupid fucking mouth. Like, do you hear yourself, like when you speak?
Nicole is openly pretty fucking pissed and Dimetri is like “what, I’m just playing?” which is the trademark of fuckboys universally. Dimetri is like “I have no filter and people think I’m a flirt” and it’s like, uh you literally just said you wanna fuck other girls.
DIMETRI: **says he wants to fuck other girls**
NICOLE: You said you want to fuck other girls
DIMITRI: THIS IS FAKE NEWS
Zoe goes to move in on Kareem and they start grinding on each other, which Alivia is supposedly fine with. She’s so fine, in fact, that she’s going to hang out with Keith upstairs, because like, it’s fine. Idk how this chat even takes place when Keith can barely put a fuggin sentence together.
Kareem tells Zoe that when he originally came into the house, he was interested in her. Uh huh, oooookay. Of course Zoe buys that stupid shit and they start making out in the closet. I honestly feel like this house is just a combo of closets, showers, and the boom boom room.
Zoe legit starts bouncing around from person to person telling them how her and Kareem made out. Damn Zoe, I remember when I got my first kiss. Couldn’t keep your mouth shut for a fuckin’ second?
Keyana’s moral compass seems to appear out of nowhere and she decides that it’s pretty fucked up of Kareem to do that. She tells Keith, Alivia, and Tyler what Zoe told her. So like, again, this is kind of Zoe’s fault. Just making sure we’re all on the same page.
Alivia goes outside to see wtf is up and sees Kareem and Zoe in the pool, hanging all over each other. She gives him the universal “go fuck yourself” thumbs up and then runs into Keith’s Italian arms where he whispers sweet nothings of raviolis and “when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amoreeee.”
Nicole tells Kareem that Alivia knows about the kiss and he’s like “how could this be?!” as Zoe slowly tries to drown herself in the pool.
Kareem gets super mad at Keyana, even though, say it with me, it’s really not her fault. Kareem starts yelling at Keyana and Tyler steps in and is like, uh you did this? Kareem and Tyler start shoving each other and tbh I’m feeeeeeling Tyler rn. If this doesn’t get him laid in the house, idk what will.
Security comes in to separate shit while Kareem continues to lose his fuckin mind. Zoe’s like “I feel so dumb” and it’s like, well sweetie, *pats her on the head* that’s cause you are.
Kareem and Clinton are having a heart-to-heart about how Kareem made a pretty massive fuckup. Clinton drops some Jesus knowledge on him and is like “yo you’re mad at yourself, not Keyana or Tyler.” What bible verse is that?
Uche and Clinton go on a mini date and talk about how they are moving super slow and they love it. I mean, they need to save room for the holy spirit in their life. Clinton likes that they are respectful and not fucking losers like the rest of them. Honestly, I’m rooting for you two Jesus freak virgins.
TRUTH BOOTH
Real question—do any of these girls own bras?
Anyway, Zoe talks about making out with Kareem and Alivia starts crying. Kareem finally admits he may have done something wrong, like maaaaybe. Alivia swears she can’t get back with Kareem anymore even though we all know that’ll last for like, three days.
After making a girl cry, Terrence J is like “ALRIGHT time for the truth booth!!!!” I love how MTV picks hosts who have like, no soul.
Dimetri and Nicole to the truth booth and it’s not a surprise that they aren’t a match. It was such an anti-climatic truth booth, I’m not even going to waste another sentence on it.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
While the girls are trying to talk strategy, the Shad is trying to figure out how to exist in this world without looking like a complete fucking idiot. Both situations are a lost cause.
The Shad’s like “girls say I’m being a dick but they are really into me”, which I honestly imagine is probably true. I can’t even really argue with that. Know yourself, know your worth.
Audrey decides to be bold and have a simple conversation with Shad. That conversation literally just becomes her repeating “I hate you” to Shad, which is pretty reasonable.
She’s like “I don’t want to be 100% into Michael because love isn’t real on this scripted show.” What? Who said that?
MATCH UP CEREMONY
It’s the girls’ turn to choose and if they fuck this up, the men are going to do what they do best and hold the mistake over their heads until the end of time.
THE DUDES: But, her emails!!!!!!
Alexis is first and picks Dimetri. Keith rolls his eyes because he knows that no one can handle Alexis’ crazy ass but him—and honestly idk if that’s a good or bad thing.
DD is up next and we’re all like, okay she obviously is picking Malcolm, right? She decides to pick Kareem—wtf. Everyone is like, why are you this way??
Joe, the weed farmer, is like “they are so fucking stupid I can’t take them seriously,” which is what I’ve said about every new pledge class in my sorority.
Zoe picks Joe, whose hair is longer than mine. Joe’s honestly one of the prettiest lesbians I have ever seen, wow.
Uche picks Clinton, duh.
Audrey’s up next and goes on about how much she likes Michael and how he broke down her walls, etc. but then picks Shad, who turns her stomach.
Audrey explains that the girls are not listening to their heart, but just kinda randomly selecting their matches.
AUDREY: We figure, why not? Take a crazy chance? Why not? Do a crazy dance? If you lose the moment, you may lose a lot. So why not?
THE GUYS: Isn’t that a Hilary Duff song?
AUDREY: This is fake news.
Jada picks Tyler, even though I’m pretty sure she could beat him up.
Keyana picks Anthony.
Nicole picks Ethan, which is good because SOMEONE LOVE ETHAN.
Geles picks Michael.
Keith is watching the match up ceremony and is like “I took statistics in college and this doesn’t look promising.” He acts like he’s a fucking Stanford alum mathematician. Keith, your remedial math class at Oklahoma State doesn’t count.
Nurys picks Keith.
Which leaves Alivia and Malcolm.
Terrence J asks Alivia about the Kareem situation and she’s like “I expected this from every other dude but not Kareem.” #NotAllMen
Thankfully for them, they don’t black out. They get 3 beams. Which isn’t good, but isn’t bad either. Kind of what I imagine hooking up with Shad would be like.
Back at the house, Kareem is talking to Alivia and is like “me fucking up makes me love you more!!!” Not entirely sure how that works out, but k.
Alivia is like “I need time to figure this out” and it’s like, you’re not doing amazing, sweetie.
