Yo, Betch Waldorf here. Resident Are You The One? expert at Betches *puts on LinkedIn bio* and overall extraordinary human being who likes to belittle her peers.
Even though I’ve taken a break from recapping AYTO, the herpes of reality shows is back and I just can’t make it go away. Who knows, maybe I will return to recapping? Donald Trump is President now, so my motto is “anything is possible.” Until then, I can at least introduce you to the new cast because I’m like, such a good friend.
GIRLS
ALEXIS
Currently wearing half the jewelry department from Lucky Brand. Once you notice she kinda looks like Velma from the Scooby Doo movies, you cannot un-see it. Jinkies, man.
ALIVIA
Ugh I hate people who spell their normal names abnormally. Special place in hell. She looks like she’ll be “one of the guys” this season—basically means she’s down for butt stuff.
AUDREY
Audrey’s going to be a fucking psycho, I know it. Have you ever met an Audrey that isn’t batshit insane? I rest my case.
DIANDRA
This girl will 100% get in a fight this season. Probably with Audrey. And you know what they say: the bigger the hoop, the bigger the hoe.
GELES
Not sure how to pronounce this, won’t even try. Poor man’s Mila Kunis.
JADA
Jada with the collarbone tattoo did not come to fuck with these hoes. She’s here to get some money and possibly a good dick along the way. I will most likely root for her.
KENYANA
Damn, what’s with all these crazy names? Y’all couldn’t get one Megan in this bitch? Keyana is going to probably be the forgettable one this season. Sorry sweetie, someone has to do it.
NICOLE
Nicole’s about to be so unimportant—girl couldn’t even get a cute poolside picture but instead had to settle for this old Myspace pic. Door behind her leads to the closet, where hopefully she can change into a better looking shirt, yikes.
NURYS
Okay, what in the fuck is this name? Is her name “nurse”? Huge boobs doe—probably going to be saving lots of male lives in the house.
UCHE NICOLE
Usually I don’t trust people with two first names—blame Justin Bobby—but I don’t technically count this as two first names because I’m pretty sure Uche is just a typo. She looks like the strategizing type. She’s def going to be calling out the no-match couples.
ZOE
Def going to be the snake of the house. I imagine she still calls her dad “Daddy”
BOYS
ANTHONY
Thinks he is a model. Probably will flip a table at some point in the series. One for the drama, for sure.
CLINTON
Most likely an aspiring artist/rapper/model of some kind (everyone here is, though). Will ask Zoe to also call him Daddy.
DAVID
Huge fuckboy. Has the IQ of his shoe size. Frequenter of the Boom Boom room, calls everyone “bro”
DIMITRI
A fucking snack pack. Will 100% be rooting for him. Don’t @ me.
ETHAN
Lovable, but probably going to make me very uncomfortable. Will be a really good friend to 100% of the girls.
JOE
Member of the band HAIM. Has better hair then all the women on this show. Probably good in bed though. What? You were thinking it.
KAREEM
His facial hair is more organized that our government. Takes longer than the girls to get ready. Probably going to have sex on the first day there. I most likely won’t like him, I can just tell.
KEITH
Sweet, stupid Keith. Voted for Trump and damn proud. Masturbates to the American Flag. Once asked someone how to spell “orange”
MALCOLM
Here for the money fasho. Will most likely create a shitty strategy that helps them win miraculously in the last episode.
MICHAEL
Looks like someone who tried to make it as a famous Youtuber. His necklace says Jesus but his sleeveless sweater says “DTF” on his Tinder profile.
TYLER
This dude looks more like Willow Smith than Willow Smith does.
SO, that’s it—22 new morons. Can’t wait for this season full of bitchy looking girls and their chode counterparts. Until then…
