Unless you’ve been
living a full life on a hiatus from social media, you’ve probably noticed the drastic change in Kim Kardashian’s appearance. First, she stopped wearing makeup, which FINE, I guess that’s in since the whole No Makeup Alicia Keys thing. Fine. I have a hard time believing that the girl whose ass is listed as a beauty option at plastic surgeon’s offices is suddenly living a “natural” life, but again, fine. Then she came out with the lip ring and I was like, okay, Kanye has to be behind this. If you watched the Paris robbery episode then you know Kanye literally flew to fashion week when he saw a pic of Kim wearing something he didn’t like, so him forcing her to get a lip ring seems pretty plausible. Now, our girl Kim has transformed once again with the addition of long-ass hair extensions and that’s when it was finally like, “Okay let’s slow this down.”
Like, am I missing something here? Are super long hair extensions betchy? I’m on the fence. On the one hand you might look chic AF but on the other hand you might also look like your hair and poor life decisions are giving you premature back problems. It’s 50/50.
Seriously worried for this girl. One of my thighs probably weighs less than what she’s wearing on her head rn and this has me genuinely wondering if I should have a medical professional on speed dial in case she falls and can’t get up. Also, my condolences to the 13-year-old Indian girl who had to go fully bald to provide Kim with this mane, which she’ll probably throw out in favor a platinum lob in like a week or so.
Since I was already planning to spend my night
trolling the Kardashians on Snapchat examining this hair trend, let’s lay out the facts and get to the bottom of its betchiness, shall we?
Exhibit A: Celebs Are Obsessed With Them
Super long hair extensions are making more appearances at high-profile events than Nick Viall does on ABC shows, and the Kardashians aren’t the only ones hyping this look. Celebs like Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Beyoncé, and a random former Disney star named Vanessa Hudgens are all stepping out with locks longer that my actual body height. Tbh this doesn’t mean much to me. Celebrities also name their children things like Dream and eat placentas to stay forever young (I assume). They are glam, but they can’t be trusted.
Exhibit B: They’re Pricey AF
Something about this look just exudes wealth. I can’t decide if this is because of the look itself or because the people usually wearing extensions wipe their ass with more money than I pay in New York rent. Hair extensions on their own are expensive but hair extensions that are over 30 inches long can range from the hundreds to the thousands of dollars depending on how much you get, how you get them attached, and the type/grade of hair you use. And that’s not including maintenance every six to eight weeks. So should I just hand over bank account number now or?
Exhibit C: The Trend Originated From Models
Like casual cocaine habits and eating one cube of cheese per day, super long hair extensions also originated from models. Specifically, Naomi Campbell circa the 1990s. So, like, not only is it vintage and dramatic, but it was also invented by a genetic superhuman. K.
I think—and it pains me to say because of the effect this declaration will have on my wallet—these might actually be betchy. I’m not saying you should put these in to go to Trader Joe’s or anything but, like, out at bar? It will definitely make you look like a queen amongst peasants, which is really what we’re all striving for in this life. Fuck. I guess I have to go to India and buy some hair off a kid now. So exhausting.
And because I know there’s at least one betch out there who’s thinking about trying this look out at Coachella, I’ve got some pro tips lined up for how you can get the look for cheap(er).
First, you could always do it the old fashioned way and
buy your hair from a prostutite grow your hair out past your ass. But since this could take literal years and the trend might be over before Nick and Vanessa break up, it’s best to buy this look.
The thing to keep in mind when buying extra long hair extensions is the thickness and finish of the hair. Like your freshman year body, they should look slim and sleek. If the extensions look too heavy or too thick it can be overpowering (Hi Corinne). You’ll also want to make sure they’re extra shiny and glossy. Again, Corinne please take notes. Shiny. You want your hair to be shiny.
So there you have it: lobs are out and extra long hair extensions are in. This makes me sort of want to die inside, and yet, I’m also googling salon prices so that’s where we’re at rn. If you need anything, I’ll be on my phone weighing the pros and cons of paying rent vs buying three pounds worth of fake hair. Looks like the hair is going to win.