For amateur private detectives, Valentine’s Day is the best day of the year to scrutinize the love lives of basic strangers. This holiday is for those who bravely plunge headfirst down the rabbit hole (aka scroll) to get to the bottom of mysteries (social media profiles). Without these people, our group chats would be filled with nothing juicier than the latest scandal on Twitter. These people are the harbinger of gossip and treat Instagram posts on Valentine’s Day as sacred texts to be unfurled. I know because I am such a person. Watch out, Girl-I-Went-To-High-School-With! You cannot hide your messy divorce behind aggressively sexual selfies. I see right through you.
For those who need a little more help deciphering these cryptic messages found in passive aggressive captions, here is a breakdown of the typical relationships you’ll find on Valentine’s Day. If you know what to look for, the whole world (the private lives of acquaintances) will open up to you. Go forth and be careful with this immense power!
The DINK Couple Who Isn’t Quite Double Income
The Outdoorsy Couple Who Are Annoyingly Athletic
The On-And-Off-Again Couple
The Couple You Can’t Help But Live Vicariously Through
The Absolutely About To Break Up Couple
The Situationship Who Doesn’t Deserve A Post
The “He’s Not Even On Social Media” Couple
