A Bro's Breakdown Of Rachel & Gabby's 'Bachelorette' Contestants

Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 37-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are very proud. V. 

This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows since before your favorite TikToker was born. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these goofballs every Monday night (past seasons are in my highlights). 

Gabby & Rachel

Gabby Windey and Rachel Recchia are our co-Bachelorettes. I love that there are two Bachelorettes. I’ve been asking this show to get creative for YEARS. What bothers me is somehow a few Bachelor alums have tried to co-opt the twist by saying it’s anti-woman so they can get a clickbait-y headline for their podcast. Sure, if The Bachelorette had the female leads mud wrestle for the last box of the country’s Plan B, then it would be annoying and bizarre. But this didn’t happen out of the blue. Gabby and Rachel were both strung along by last season’s wooden table of a personality and they came to one another’s aid in a really beautiful way. Having them co-star made so much sense, while adding a needed change to the weaker of the two franchises. To be honest, neither woman stood out as a lead. Rachel was always whispering and Gabby acted like the weird girl in high school who you’d always bring up during lunchtime “You know who’s actually hot?!” conversations. But together they were interesting and fun and seemingly good at partnering up during a difficult time. You know what this is called? Nuance. Remember, your Bachelor alums don’t speak with nuance because that doesn’t grow their audience or get them brought back as the host. Ok! Let’s check out the dudes who had to google the definition of “nuance.”

Alec, 27, Wedding Photographer

Alec is a 27-year-old wedding photographer who looks like someone used an old marker with very little ink to draw a beard onto his face. His bio says that he’s a self-proclaimed “lover boy.” Of course that’s “self-proclaimed!” Nobody has ever called someone else a lover boy like they’re Bugs Bunny dressed in drag. I’d love to have been in the room the first time he called himself “lover boy.” I’d be like, “Alec, what do you mean? Explain that.” And then Alec would be like, “Well I’m pretty good at, like, banging and shit.” And then the room would get totally silent and I’d be grinning while fully erect. 

Aven, 28, Sales Executive

Aven is a 28-year-old sales executive from San Diego whose eyebrows look like two caterpillars that are about to kiss. Aven only allows himself to eat out once a week. I have so many questions. Can you do takeout?! What if you eat out on a Monday, then Wednesday you meet Bruce Springsteen and he asks you to go to dinner on Thursday?! Does Aven say, “Sorry Bruce! We’ve got a routine!?!” Then you’re back home, eating grilled chicken and vegetables while humming “Dancing in the Dark” with tears streaming down your cheek? Aven’s like “You ok babe?!” And you’re like, “Ya. Totally cool. The broccoli is steamed perfectly.” Then you and Aven head to the bedroom for your weekly scheduled missionary on a towel sex. There will be no Glory Days for me and Aven. That’s for sure. 

Brandan, 23, Bartender

Brandan’s bio says that he loves Disneyland and he goes every year on his birthday, which is a VERY 23-year-old thing to say. At that age you’re like Peter Pan. You’re like, “This friend group is going to be together forever! And every year we’re going to Disneyland on my birthday!” Then two friends hook up. A third friend doesn’t make enough money to hang out. Another friend can’t handle their alcohol. And the ones that did all the planning get married. Two years from now it’ll be Brandan at Disneyland with Mickey Mouse ears and a woman he met a month before on Tinder. He will be holding one balloon and he’ll whisper to himself, “Next year, maybe just drinks at a bar.”

Chris, 30, Mentality Coach

Chris is a 30-year-old mentality coach from Redondo Beach who looks like he just got really high in the car before walking into a movie. Chris has written two books and says that he is his own favorite author. So his favorite author is a guy with a fake job who self-produced an ebook. I’m not sure what’s a worse first date answer to “Who is your favorite author?”—Chris saying, “Me.” Or when I say, “I used to like those Goosebumps books.”

Colin, 36, Sales Director

Colin is a 36-year-old sales director from Chicago who looks the most like a guy in sales from Chicago I’ve ever seen. That quarter zip sweater might not ever come off his body. He looks like he started at Groupon and moved to something at Accenture and now hangs out in Old Town even though he’s too old to be hanging out in Old Town. A wedding ring tells you someone is married, a quarter zip sweater tells you a man went to a Big 10 school and brags about their business school, even though it’s never mattered to anyone who matters. 

Erich, 29, Real Estate Analyst

This is Erich. He spells his name Erich. No face has ever looked more like a guy who says, “It’s with an H at the end” than Erich. I look forward to watching Erich use the word “vibes” to describe a mall food court this season.

Ethan, 27, Advertising Executive

Ethan is a 27-year-old advertising executive from NYC who says he’s the king of Monopoly, which is really just a way to say that you’re boring. Can you imagine anything worse than hanging with someone who is the self-proclaimed king of Monopoly?! I can be poor and kick myself for not being able to afford a home during daytime hours. I don’t need to do that at a party. Any time I’ve played Monopoly it’s been for five minutes, realized that women and alcohol exist and been forced to play five more minutes by the person with the least personality at the party. 

Hayden, 29, Leisure Executive

Hayden looks like a 15-year-old boy who ran away from home and encountered a bridge troll who then granted his wish to be turned into an adult. Hayden is a “leisure executive” which means he works at a Mattress Firm. There may be nothing less sexual than a man in a lab coat who introduces himself as a “sleep doctor” right before telling you to lay on a bed in a fun way, like, “Take her for a spin.” I wish Hayden the best. I hope his adventures lead him back to his 15-year-old body while learning about the importance of family.

Jacob, 27, Mortgage Broker

Jacob is a 27-year-old mortgage broker from Scottsdale with “Do You Know Who My Father Is?!” face. He claims to read 30-40 books a year and doesn’t eat cake. I have to respect that Jacob has fully committed to the slicked-back-ponytail, bratty-heir-to-a-throne, I-go-by-my-full-name, lifestyle. I imagine being at a party and he’s like, “So, reading anything good lately?!” And I look up from the cake I’m eating to be like, “Umm I sometimes read half a tweet and then regurgitate that information in other conversations as if I read the full article.” Then a little bit of the cake flies from my mouth onto Jacob’s suede dinner jacket and he brushes it off while mumbling, “heathen.”

James, 25, Meatball Enthusiast

James is a 25-year-old “meatball enthusiast” from Illinois who looks like he can’t wait to tell you his high school football stats. James is very obviously coming on the show as a caricature of an Italian. I’m so tired of this type of person. Doesn’t he know there’s about a hundred of him on TikTok? He’s going to talk about Sunday sauce and pronounce meat names in a way that makes no sense and at some point he’s going to tell us that “FAMILY IS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!” as if all of us non-Italians never hug our own moms. My wet dream is for James to find out his mom’s sauce is actually just Prego. 

Jason, 30, Investment Banker

Jason is a 30-year-old investment banker from Santa Monica who looks like the friend on the bachelor party who’s really interested in catching up and doesn’t stay out too late. I think Jason is the perfect candidate for The Bachelorette. Old enough to be ready. A job with health insurance located close to Hollywood. Hypothetically, he could get married, keep his life, and do red carpets with either of the women and then pitch in for the down payment it takes to buy the Hailey Bieber smoothie. Admit it, you got a little tingle downstairs reading that sentence. You’re about to change your Bumble profile to “Smoothie Kings Only!!”

Joey, 24, Twin

Joey looks like he just got ready for the dance at his summer camp and his style inspo was Pete Davidson. He’s 24 and one of a set of twins who are on the show. He lives in Connecticut and says he “loves to hit the clubs in New York City for a night out with the boys.” Let me tell you one thing, nobody who takes a train into a city to go to a club where they can’t afford a table is ready to get married. If they have the energy to stand while screaming “Let’s go!!” over house music with close to zero chance of hooking up, then they have too much energy to stay in and watch Bridgerton with their fiancée. 

John, 26, English Teacher

John is a 26-year-old English teacher from Nashville who looks like he once hosted Blue’s Clues. John isn’t winning. His profile talks about being shy and how his positivity “radiates from within.” The only way John’s winning is if The Bachelorette somehow becomes a competition to find a new best friend who helps you choose an outfit for a first date with another guy.

Johnny, 25, Realtor

Johnny is a 25-year-old realtor from Palm Beach Gardens who looks like he’s pulled out a guitar at many social functions. His bio says he “can’t be with anyone who is hung up on past relationships.” I love when the contestant bios call out the last person they dated. Like, Johnny’s ex is reading this while in bed with the guy she told him not to worry about being like, “Welp, got me.” If someone had dated me and then went on the show, their profile would be like, “NO MEN WHO SOMETIMES FORGET TO FLUSH THE TOILET. EVEN WITH A NUMBER 2!” And I’d be reading it like, “Wow. I hope nobody makes the connection.”

Jordan H, 25, Software Developer

Jordan H is a 25-year-old software developer from Tampa. Jordan’s head and neck are too thick for his shoulders. It looks like this picture was drawn in the park by a caricature artist. He was like, “Draw me as a Dollar store John Cena!” And the artist was like, “GOT YOU BRO.”

Jordan V, 27, Drag Racer

Jordan V is a 27-year-old drag racer from Alpharetta, Georgia. I read his job and I was like, “Wow. A professional drag queen! Good for you, ABC!” I became giddy imagining that limo entrance. A Ru Paul cameo! I got excited to see Jordan sashay all over these guys in 10-inch heels while I was at home snapping and screaming “YASSS.” Then I came to my senses. Jordan’s a race car driver! This is still The Bachelor franchise! People come on here due to a weird church pastor who told them sharing a significant other with 30 other people is “God’s way.” Well, maybe a fabulous queen will strut out of the limos one season!! Until then, we get Jordan who loves “relaxing on the lake.” Ugh. 

Justin B, 32, Physical Therapist

Justin B is a 32-year-old physical therapist who looks like his mom paid for his honeymoon at the White Lotus hotel. His profile says he’s a “lover, not a fighter” and that he “loves the smell of jasmine.” How does that even come up?! Not one other person said their favorite smell, so Justin had to be like, “Oh and you know what?! I love jasmine!” If I were the interviewer I’d assume he had a weird fetish for the Disney princess. I also don’t want my physical therapist randomly bringing up favorite smells. I’m recovering from a surgery and this guy’s like, “Have you smelled this candle?! It’s rhubarb.” I’d be like, “No, your latex doctor gloves smell fine enough. Can you just keep doing the ultrasound in silence?” And he’d be like, “Whoa whoa whoa, I’m a lover not a fighter!” And I’d find a new physical therapist immediately. 

Justin Y., 24, Other Twin

Justin Y is the other half of the twins coming onto the show this season. His bio reads, “Justin Y is the life of the party! He is a hardworking go-getter who enjoys clubbing in New York City’s hottest spots with his favorite wingman, his identical twin brother, Joey.” 

Have you ever wanted to hang with someone less?! I read that passage with the voice of the announcer from a failed MTV dating show. Justin is 24 and this is who a 24-year-old thinks people want to date. It’s not even true. The hottest clubs wouldn’t let Justin enter. The bouncers aren’t looking at a large group and being like, “We’d let you in, but you don’t have a 24-year-old twin who lives with his parents in Connecticut in your party!” If this read, “Justin Y creeps into every party quietly to make sure he wants to stay. He has health insurance and he enjoys a bar that’s busy but still has a place for him to sit. His favorite wingman is his phone which he looks up from every now and again,” then he’d have a line of women waiting for him. 

Kirk, 29, College Football Coach

Kirk is a 29-year-old football coach from Lubbock, Texas who looks like the guy every woman in a Hallmark movie meets when she moves home from the big city. It’s always funny that those guys never have one glaring red flag. We’re just supposed to believe that this perfect man decided to stick around Garbageville and be a handyman. In real life, “Kirk” stayed in Lubbock to coach the high school football team because he got a DUI and to fix his problem, he only drinks clear alcohol now. And you have to decide if you can date him and deal with his worrisome opinions on crime. 

Logan, 26, Videographer

Logan is a 26-year-old videographer from San Diego who looks like a toddler who tried to fit into one of his dad’s old coats. He says that his lifelong crush is Elaine from Seinfeld, and that’s the correct opinion. Elaine was successful, active, fun, opinionated, sexually communicative with her partners, and was able to have a healthy relationship with an ex. Elaine might have been the perfect woman. Everyone should be asked about their sitcom crush. If it’s Elaine then they’re probably a good guy. If it’s Pam from The Office then there’s something wrong with them. Pam once went to a job fair at her old high school at the age of 26 and thought one of her drawings might still be on the wall in her old art class. Pam is the anti-Elaine. 

Mario, 31, Personal Trainer

Mario is a 31-year-old personal trainer from Naperville, Illinois who looks like he’s about to high-five you before a group fitness class with a very pedestrian playlist. Mario’s bio says he just wants to make his mom proud. The “I love my mom” guy is on every season of The Bachelorette. He’s neck and neck with the “I love my niece and nephews” guy for the easiest opinion to have on a reality show award. It’s such a weird thing to say because there’s no opposite guy. There’s nobody who’s like, “I came on the show to embarrass my mom” and then screams at a female producer, “Hey tootz! Shake that ass and grab me a Fresca!”

Matt, 25, Shipping Executive

Matt is a 25-year-old shipping executive which might mean he works at a FedEx/Kinko’s. He seems like a good guy. Like, a much better guy than me. His bio says that he “dreams of buying his mom a home wherever she wants.” I would hate to do my interview right before Matt. They’d be like “What’s your dream?!” And I’d be like, “To eat and drink as much as I want without gaining weight!” And then they’d be like, “Matt, what’s your dream?!” And he’d be like “Buying my mom a home wherever she wants!” And then I’d butt in and be like, “Hey, can I change my dream? In addition to the calorie thing, I’d also like to buy MYSELF a home.”

Michael, 32, Pharmaceutical Salesman

Michael is a 32-year-old pharmaceutical salesman from Long Beach, California who looks like he could play Will Smith in a made-for-TV biopic called Life Slaps. Michael loves Harry Potter and wants to visit his “Wizarding World.” That’s surprisingly enough for some people. There’s a crew of singles who react to other Harry Potter fans as if they’re part of some small interesting group. It’s owned by Warner Brothers! Disney Adults get tons of crap while these “Potter Pans” prance around being just as unbearable. Harry Potter isn’t a small indie band. It’s a behemoth corporation that keeps creating sequels and prequels written by teams of mathematicians while new imaginative ideas get left by the wayside because they’re not a sure thing. Being a Harry Potter fan is like being a fan of Chase Bank during the housing crisis.

Nate, 33, Electrical Engineer

Nate is a 33-year-old electrical engineer who will be successful no matter what happens on this show. His bio says that his favorite movie is How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. If I’ve learned anything on this earth in my 37 years, it’s that women love that movie, they love Kate Hudson’s character, and mentioning that you enjoy that movie as a man is the cheat code for any conversation you ever have with a woman. I don’t care how badly it’s going, mention that movie and the woman starts visibly shaking and liquid comes out of all of her sensual orifices. Kate Hudson plays a female superhero in that movie. She acts crazy and never second-guesses herself once while not developing feelings for a gorgeous man who treats her amazingly. She’s basically the female version of Tony Stark. 

Quincey, 25, Life Coach

Quincy is a 25-year-old life coach whose “energy is unmatched.” Telling me someone is an energetic 25-year-old life coach is like telling me someone is covered in dog doo: I’m going to avoid them at all costs. Also, who hires a 25-year-old life coach?! Did they want to learn how to confidently invite a woman home even though they sleep on a mattress that’s on the floor?! At 25, I was just figuring out how to differentiate junk mail from an actual bill, and Quincy is directing some poor soul’s life. With that type of unawareness, he’s going to do well in this competition. 

Roby, 33, Magician

Roby is a 33-year-old magician from LA who looks like he would go up to a woman at a bar and say, “I knew you were a dime but this is ridiculous” and then pull a dime from her ear. Then he’d be like, “Hi, I’m Roby. One B. My mom said it’s because there’s one B in beautiful. Ya, she’s my roommate! But I get the whole basement and it has its own entrance so it’s basically my own space. She only comes in to clean out the hamper every morning. So how about a drink? Wait wait wait, how could I forget?!” Then he somehow pulls a rose from his own ear and gives it to her. I’m just saying he had a look. 

Ryan, 36, Investment Director

Ryan is a 36-year-old investment director from Boston who looks like he’s the mascot for divorced dads. Ryan’s profile says he wants a “Nicholas Sparks type of relationship”, and that’s a pretty weird relationship goal. So Ryan wants to sneak off to meet a woman under the North Carolina sweet gum trees because her father doesn’t approve of their relationship, defy all odds, get married and then she dies?! Really?! Does Ryan want to catch the fireflies with the love of his life on a hot summer night and then watch her develop dementia and die?! Nicholas Sparks relationships have a certain theme. Ryan, let’s keep it simple. You’re going to meet a woman on who hates men because she’s been ghosted a dozen times. You’re going to slowly earn her trust and connect over your love of binge-watching Netflix shows. Then she’s going to die and we’re all going to think you did it like a normal 36-year-old. 

Spencer, 27, Venture Capitalist

Spencer is a 27-year-old venture capitalist from Chicago who looks like he has a Barstool flag hung up in his bedroom, kitchen, back porch, foyer, and bathroom. Spencer says he is not your stereotypical “let’s grab a drink” kind of guy, which is usually said by a guy who’s trying to get you over to his place to watch five minutes of a movie. I look forward to watching Spencer hop up and down while fist pumping and screaming “Let’s gooo” while another guy in the house takes a longer than average sip of a hard seltzer. 

Termayne, 28, Crypto Guy

Describing yourself as a “Crypto Guy” is actually Termayne’s business plan. He could’ve said he worked in finance or banking or any number of other things that make a lot more sense. But Termayne went with “Crypto Guy” which means he has no real job. He went online, did his own research, placed some money on the crypto roulette wheel, and made money that he’s since lost. Now, he’s onto the next step of the “Crypto Guy” career, and that’s to go on a reality show as the “Crypto Guy,” gain a following, and convince the next generation of aspiring “Crypto Guys” to give him as much money as possible. (Plays Lion King music) 🎶 IT’S THE CIIIIRCCLE OF CRYPTO GUY!!! And it moves us all!! Through loans and life savings! Through faith and love!! 🎶 

Tino, 27, General Contractor

Tino’s bio says he “is very involved in giving back to his community and wants to find someone who will work to make the world a better place.” Imagine how insulting it would be to be Tino’s single female friend working with him at the soup kitchen. He’s complaining about how hard it is to find a woman who likes to give back. One day he’s like, “I’ve got an idea! I’ll go on The Bachelorette! A show with a long history of selfless individuals who put the community over their own personal gain! Goodbye Linda! You’ve been a wonderful friend!” Then he asks Linda to clean up for him because he has to leave early to make an audition tape.

Tyler, 25, Small Business Owner

Tyler is a 25-year-old small business owner from Wildwood, New Jersey who looks like he once starred in a Disney original series. It’s so funny to see “small business owner from Wildwood, New Jersey ” when you know the area a bit. Judging by the sleeve tattoo, his “small business” is a kiosk on the boardwalk that sells “Let’s Go Brandon” T-shirts. 

Zach, 25, Tech Executive

Zach is a 25-year-old tech executive from Anaheim Hills, California who looks like he would get angry if someone called him a short king. Zach says he “loves to plan thoughtful surprises” which is something I’ve learned women say they want but don’t really want. You’ll be like, “I’ve got a surprise, get dressed!” And they’ll be like, “What is it?!” And you’ll be like “You’ll see! Get dressed!” And they’ll be like “Do I need sneakers?!” And you’ll be like “Shoes are a good start!!” And they’ll be like “Sneakers or shoes?!” And you’re like, “SNEAKERS! Cmon!” And they’ll be like “WELL I NEED TO KNOW IF I NEED A JACKET!” And you’ll be like “It doesn’t matter. You’re going to love it!” And they’ll be like “CAN YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE WE ARE GOING?!? MY MOM JUST GOT DIAGNOSED WITH A COLD AND MY FEET ARE FAT AND YOU KNOW MY BEST FRIEND ISN’T HAVING A GOOD WEEK! IT’S JUST NOT A GOOD TIME FOR SURPRISES!” And you’ll be like “OK FINE! WE TRY THE NEW WING FLAVOR AT BUFFALO WILD WINGS!!” 

Images: ABC/Gizelle Hernandez