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A Bro’s Breakdown Of Matt’s ‘Bachelor’ Contestants

By Jared Freid | January 4, 2021
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Hi, I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 35-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love these shows so much, I yell at every episode on my Instagram stories. As you can imagine, my parents are v proud. V. 

This is my preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for both shows for half a decade. I make massive assumptions about every contestant based on very little information. It’s like sitting with me while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore for the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night (Tayshia/Clare’s season is in my highlights). And if that’s not enough, I host a Bachelor post-game show called “The Rose Rehash” on my YouTube channel. Let’s have a fun season.

Matt James

Usually I would’ve already previewed Matt James, but this season is different. Matt has never been on the show. His biggest credit before getting to know him via interviews and social media was “friends with Tyler C.” That’s kind of crazy. Tyler C was so hot that we all just trusted he knew good people. If a less attractive man was like, “Hey, you should meet my friend!” We’d all be like, “What’s his Instagram handle?” And then spend hours scrolling back to when he was in high school to make a fully informed decision. That is not what’s happened with Matt. Everyone was pretty on board from minute one. We genuinely know nothing about the guy. I’ve been following him on Instagram and he seems fun and motivated and like he’ll have a lot of energy. But after a brief discussion with my penis, we don’t think this guy is ready to settle down. You don’t go from touring the country doing “boys trips” every other week to being like, “Ya, me and Stacy P are going to stay in this weekend and watch old Survivor seasons.” I think a lot of women are perpetually in a “ready to grow up” mode and a lot of men are just trying to do everything they can before they have to grow up. Matt seemed to be getting it all in, and I’m not sure he’s done yet. There was not one post on Matt’s social media that told me Matt was ready to give up a ski trip for his fiancée’s Paint and Sip night she thought “looked cute.” But I guess we’ll see. Let’s check out the women he’ll be calling “AHHHMAAAZING” after one conversation about their grandma.

Abigail, 25, Client Financial Manager

Abigail is a 25-year-old Client Financial Manager from Beaverton, Oregon who says that her favorite way to approach a guy is by “accidentally bumping into them.” This is how you know you’re hot. If you can literally fling yourself at attractive people and have that end up with a date and not a rap sheet, then you’re hot. When I bump into people they ask if I’m playing the Rosie O’Donnell part in the remake of A League Of Their Own.

Alana, 26, Photographer

Alana is a 26-year-old photographer who calls moving to Europe instead of going to college “her greatest accomplishment.” She also says, “it took her on a journey of self-discovery and exploration that really shaped her into the independent woman she is today.” We absolutely CANNOT let Alana have a social media following. Did you read those quotes?!? A journey of self-discovery?! She’s already unbearable. She took a trip to Europe on her parents’ credit card and posted some black-and-white pictures on Instagram and now she’s a “photographer” who went on a “journey of self-discovery.” She’s right on the doorstep of changing her name to “Alania” and asking us how to say the word “cucumber” in English.

Alicia, 24, Professional Ballerina

Alicia is a 24-year-old professional ballerina from NYC. I’m too cynical from years of reading millennial “job” titles like “entrepreneur” and “social media strategist” that are actually just people who know the right filter for their butt. I read “24-year-old professional ballerina” and I was like, “Ya, me too! I’m actually a 35-year-old professional Astronaut/Wizard.” But I was wrong. After reading Alicia’s bio, “professional ballerina” isn’t a job you can lie about. I’m actually her biggest fan. Look at her bio: When she was only 13, she began pursuing her career as a professional ballerina. Through years of dedication and commitment to her craft, she is now proudly living her dream, dancing for the prestigious Dance Theater of Harlem.

I honestly don’t know how Alicia is going to mentally survive in the house. Someone is going to be like, “Hi I’m Lauren P! I’m a professional social media entrepreneur who aspires to one day podcast about my mental journey from the hardships of an upper middle class lifestyle!! What’s your name?!” And Alicia will have to respond, “When I was 15 I had to stand on my big toe for an hour so I could go to lunch.” I’m cheering for you, Alicia. Godspeed!

Amber, 30, Nursing Student

Amber is a 30-year-old nursing student from Costa Mesa, California, and she is the most Amber-looking Amber to ever not be a porn star. Amber is a 30-year-old single mom to a 13-year-old son and her bio says she once had to run away from a mountain lion at Joshua Tree and mentions two different dreams (one is to take care of beluga whales). I’m sorry Amber, dreams and Joshua Tree end at 29. I’m 35 and my dream is to have a good bowel movement.

Anna, 24, Copywriter

Anna is a 24-year-old copywriter from Chicago who says she dreams of writing screenplays for Hallmark movies. Well, Anna has already gotten started by writing her own life as a Hallmark movie. Her bio literally says she’s “a small-town girl, living the big city life”, and “her parents nicknamed her Hollywood”, and how she spent Friday nights at the local bowling alley, and how she was the high school cheerleading captain who “was meant for something bigger.” I swear this is every woman who has ever moved to a major city. It doesn’t matter how truly regular of a life they’ve lived, they’ll find a way to make it sound Hallmark. You’ll be like, “Hey! Where you from?!” And they’ll be like, “Oh some small, single-traffic-light town where everyone knew me as ‘Honey’ because I was sweet as sugar!” And their name will be Lauren Greenstein from Scarsdale whose dad once said, “Hey Honey! Don’t forget to tell the other Lauren Greenstein that she left her Tulane sweatshirt here last night!”

Bri, 24, Communications Manager

Bri is a 24-year-old communications manager from San Francisco who was raised by her mother and grandmother. Her bio says they “made countless sacrifices to give her a fighting shot at having a successful life.” Then it goes on to say how Bri has always outworked everyone around her and some GaryVee crap about life being “earned not promised.” I would love to see Bri explain to her grandma and mom that she’s going on The Bachelor. Can you imagine the shock?! The questions?! You make “COUNTLESS SACRIFICES” and your daughter is like, “Hey guys, I’ve put my career on hold during a global pandemic to compete against seven Laurens for a guy who’s friends with a guy who came in third place on The Bachelorette. Thank you for working three jobs so that I could get violin lessons. Without those lessons, I wouldn’t have been able to play a classical version of ‘WAP’ for my limo entrance! Oh and grandma, ‘WAP’ stands for ‘wet ass pussy’ which will be EARNED AND NOT PROMISED when I’m on this show thanks to all of your life lessons and sacrifices!!!”

Carolyn, 30, Journalist

Carolyn is a 30- year-old journalist from LA who says her ultimate date is “something spontaneous that involves traveling” which just isn’t possible. Women love to say stuff like this because it sounds good, but you should all try spontaneously traveling with a woman. I DARE YOU! I keep imagining how mad my girlfriend would be if I was like, “We’re going to the airport! I packed your bag!” She’d be like, “Where are we going?!” And I’d be like “It’s a surpri…” and then I’d look down and she’d be angrily holding up the 10 thongs I packed for her on our ski trip.

Casandra, 25, Social Worker

Casandra is a 25-year-old social worker who says, “coming on The Bachelor is the biggest risk she’s ever taken for love” and I would have to disagree. This isn’t a risk! ABC has vetted Matt more than any of your aunts have vetted their friend’s son. Has Casandra ever been on a dating app?! That’s a risk for love. Meeting a guy you have no friends in common with? A guy who has 10 pictures on Instagram of him in an array of costumes he thought were funny? That’s a risk for love. Meeting him at a restaurant, believing him when he says he’s looking for a relationship, getting to know him, believing him when he texts, “I miss your face,” going on eight more dates, meeting his friends, convincing yourself this relationship is different, telling your friends, inviting him to the holidays, and the day before he decides that meeting your dog was too much commitment so he ends it and you have to return the Dunder Mifflin shirt you got him because he would always say, “That’s what she said.” I think that’s a way bigger risk.

Chelsea, 28, Runway Model

Chelsea is a 28-year-old from Brooklyn who quit her job in corporate America to become a model. That has to be the hardest thing to do in the world. I quit my job to become a stand-up comedian and my mom reacted like I had come out of the closet. She was like, “How long have you known that you’ve been… you know… funny?!” It’s got to be way worse to leave your job to be a model. Some manager being like, “I’m sorry to see you go! What’s your plan?” And you’re like, “I’m going to be a model!” And then the manager stares at you like a painting for a full 30 seconds and after the longest silence ever they’re like, “Sure. Cool. Ok, well you’re going to have to go onto COBRA for your health insurance.”

Corrinne, 22, Marketing Manager

Corrinne is a 22-year-old from Connecticut who does marketing for her family’s high-end Italian restaurant, which means she lives at home and posts on their Instagram from her white Mercedes SUV before going into yoga. Corrinne speaks like someone who wants to marry someone rich. It’s just a vibe I’m getting. Her bio says things like she wants to experience the NYC lifestyle before having kids and, “Her dream man will support her in both her personal and professional endeavors.” That sounds like something someone who had a tie-dye “company” for a month over the summer would say.

Emani, 25, Realtor

Emani is a 25-year-old realtor from Albuquerque, New Mexico who says if she could be anyone else for a day, it would be herself because she is “pretty cool.” Really?! Nobody else?! Beyoncé? Jeff Bezos? One day? You don’t want to go on a private jet? Someone offers you a day of being Kim Kardashian and you’re like, “Nope! I’m good! I’m going to hang here in Albuquerque eating green chili while staring at the beautiful New Mexico landscape. A landscape that inspired someone to write a show about a guy dying of cancer who turns to dealing crystal meth so that he can afford the medical bills.” Ok.

Illeana, 25, Health Food Developer

Illeana is a 25-year-old health food developer from NYC whose bio says she “recently co-developed her own nutritional snack called ‘Funky Munky Energy.’” I went and looked up Funky Munky Energy because,, as someone who has been trying to lose 10 pounds my whole life, I’m always looking for the delicious snack that’s going to help me achieve my dream. And what you find out is that Illeana is a model repped by Wilhelmina who is waiting for The Bachelor to drop off a couple hundred thousand Instagram followers so she can start pushing candy as “GMO-free, gluten-free, energy bites.” And I can’t have it. I just can’t. She’ll be posting pictures of her eating these bites as if any of us normal-bodied people who aren’t repped by the most famous modeling agency in the world could ever have one after a workout to hold us over until our dinner of steamed string beans. Illeana needs to be stopped. Her bio also says she has a cat who wears a bowtie and goes to the bathroom on the toilet. This is an evil person. Anyone who has a cat that could hypothetically shame me for the classiness of my poops isn’t here for my well-being, and I won’t be buying her “health foods.”

Jessenia, 27, Social Media Marketer

Jessenia is a 27-year-old social media marketer from San Antonio who was Miss El Paso in 2016. Her bio says “her soul mate also must love dogs because Jessenia currently has three of them!” That’s one of those things that makes you realize how unfair we are to cat people. Jessenia is sitting here with three dogs and we’re like, “CAYYUUTTE!” If she had three cats then we’d assume she spends the weekends wearing her old Miss El Paso sash and crown while giving acceptance speeches to her cats. Three dogs is just as bad. Isn’t that someone who needs too much affection?!!? How much of her day is spent getting licked by her dogs because they smell her lunch, but she calls them kisses? I can’t imagine dating Jessenia is fun. You wouldn’t be able to keep up. You’d be like, “What’s wrong?!?” and she’d be like, “You didn’t give me my 20-minute hug today!!” I now await your “I take offense to any and all dog criticism” hate mail!!!

Kaili, 26, Hostess

Kaili is a 26-year-old hostess from Chicago who says she’s never dated anyone that her family has truly been excited about. That might be tough for her ex to read, and it’s also something you’ll never see in the bios of the male contestants for The Bachelorette. There are rarely subtle digs at an ex in those, because men are in total fear of every woman they’ve ever dated. Women keep the receipts! Go look at those 40-picture-long Instagram story tributes to a friend you haven’t seen in three years! We know you have a phone full of screenshots that show how stupid and gross and awful we are, so we treat exes like someone we worked with on a movie who was difficult during the production. We say stuff like, “Oh I love Kaili! We’re just two different people!! The one thing about Kaili is that Kaili is going to be Kaili!! She’s a great hostess!! Really knows how to put a menu on the table!!” and then we fake-laugh until you move on to the next subject.

Katie, 29, Bank Marketing Manager

Katie is a 29-year-old bank marketing manager from Renton, Washington who says she’s “done wasting her time on boys who won’t live up to her expectations” and that nothing turns her off more than someone who sits around playing video games or a man who tries to kiss her at the inopportune moment. That’s so specific that it must describe her last boyfriend exactly. That’s my biggest fear. Having an ex go on The Bachelor and reading a bio that’s like, “I just want a man who can meet my standards. You know, someone who can stop doing immature things like laughing at his own farts and being from a suburb of Boston and having poop streaks on the back of his toilet and having a dad named Gerry and getting up in the middle of the night to eat cheese eight different times and then complaining the next day about how he can’t understand why the workouts he’s doing aren’t helping a lot more! You know, immature BOYS like THAT! I need a man!!”

Khaylah, 28, Healthcare Advocate

Khaylah is a 28-year-old healthcare advocate from Durham who says her life is all about giving back and she lives for a good tailgate. That sentence could mean such a range of things based on how you give back and how you tailgate. Like, it seems as though Khaylah genuinely does a lot of good and she enjoys a tailgate. Someone reading this is thinking, “Ya, me too!” while remembering the time they drank tequila from a shoe at a tailgate where they let a homeless guy funnel a beer. We all tailgate and give back in different ways!

Kimberly, 28, Airline Recruiter

Kimberly is a 28-year-old airline recruiter from Seattle who looks like she keeps a key in her pocket that doesn’t work on her house but is specifically for keying an ex’s car. Kimberly’s bio says she has no fears except finding out she’s dating a guy with a foot fetish. To me, that’s the best fetish to find out about. Constant foot rubs with essential oils and the ability to get someone off by simply scrunching your toes!? Sounds like a win. Sure, it’s jarring to find out your partner likes feet, but I’d argue that any fetish is jarring to find out about. You think finding out your partner is a furry is easy?! Now you gotta dress up as a jacked rabbit to get them off?! You know how hot those costumes must be in the summer? And how expensive?! And how much closet space they take up?! People would come over and ask why the basement looked like the green room at the Six Flags Looney Tunes show. I’ll take the foot fetish any day of the week.

Kit, 21, Fashion Entrepreneur

Kit is a 21-year-old fashion entrepreneur from NYC who looks like your friend’s sister who got really hot in college. And now you ask about her randomly and your friend is starting to be like, “Why do you keep asking about Kit?!!?”

Kit’s bio says that men in flip-flops make her mad and that she’s “a true born-and-raised New Yorker.” This is how rich New Yorkers avoid being viewed as privileged. They say stuff like “I’m a born-and-raised New Yorker” and let you imagine what that means so it can elevate them above the “basic losers” who moved to NYC and live in Stuy-Town with a roommate. Kit’s bio goes on to say she’s living with her parents in the West Village. You know, the mean streets of the most expensive part of the island with all of those “born-and-raised New Yorkers” where they have REAL problems like men’s footwear! Kit is going to be annoying. She’s 21 but she’ll act 48 and as if she “gets it” because she went to public school even though it took auditions/testing/tutors/extreme wealth to get in.

Kristin, 27, Attorney

Kristin is a 27-year-old attorney from Virginia Beach who says she “needs someone who isn’t afraid of being openly affectionate” and that she “does not share food, unless both parties have previously agreed upon it.” That’s a VERY confusing person. You’re out one night, holding hands, rubbing the small of her back, giving her a little credit card swipe of the ass crack when nobody is looking and then all of a sudden you go to grab a french fry from her plate and she’s like, “DID WE DISCUSS THE TERMS OF THE FRIES?!?” And how does she agree upon food sharing? Is there a contract?! Looking at the menu with Kristen on the first date must sound like you’re two basketball GMs trying to figure out a trade: “So I’ll get the burger and you’ll get the pasta. I’ll be giving you one quarter of my burger in exchange for seven strands of pasta with one eighth of a meatball. I can give up six fries but that’ll cost you an inch of garlic bread.”

Lauren, 29, Corporate Attorney

Lauren is a 29-year-old corporate attorney from Miami who says that “none of the guys she has dated in the past have truly been her best friend, and she’s hoping to change that here with Matt.” Whoever first said, “I’m dating my best friend” legitimately ruined a whole generation of daters. Because at some point your girlfriend will turn to you and dramatically say, “You’re my best friend” and you can almost hear the music from Dawson’s Creek playing in their head. It’s the step that comes between “I love you” and engagement that every relationship has to go through, and it’s annoying. I’ve never even thought of calling anyone my best friend. I have friends, family, and people who were once acquaintances whose social media I now talk sh*t about. That’s really it for me, and I’m sure I’m not alone. Whenever my girlfriend says it to me, I want to fart on her and be like, “You too buddy!!” and see how it goes over.

Magi, 32, Pharmacist

Magi is 32-year-old pharmacist from Adwa, Ethiopia who came to this country by winning the Diversity Visa Lotto. I went and looked it up on Wikipedia and it said the lotto “makes available 55,000 immigrant visas annually and aims to diversify the immigrant population in the United States, by selecting applicants from countries with low numbers of immigrants in the previous five years.” That’s truly amazing and I hope to god that we get to see the moment another woman on the show tries to glow-up her story to sound interesting while in front of Magi. She’ll be like, “My parents immigrated to Boca Raton, Florida from the mountains of Long Island.” and then she’ll be like, “Magi, where are you from!?” And Magi will say something along the lines of, “I saw the Hollywood sign for the first time thanks to a one-in-a-million opportunity to come to this country. But I’m sure that was embarrassing when you didn’t know what a pub sub was.”

Mari, 24, Marketing Director

Mari is a 24-year-old marketing director from Odenton, Maryland who looks like someone on 90 Day Fiancé who’s been talking to a guy online for eight years but he still doesn’t have her phone number. She’s a former beauty queen who won Miss Maryland USA in 2019 and placed top 10 at Miss USA. The pageant world crosses over so much with the Bachelor world, and it has to be because The Bachelor is basically a pageant in itself. You tell your story, there’s kind of an unsaid bathing suit competition, interesting hobbies always get featured. The only difference is that the final three can choose to sleep with the judge. And honestly, that would make me watch a few more pageants. I’d even watch a male pageant just to see a female judge give a Roman Emperor-style thumbs down at a good looking guy who wouldn’t go down on her.

Marylynn, 28, Event Coordinator

Marylynn is a 28-year-old event coordinator from Studio City, California who says she loves Disneyland and hopes to start a nonprofit that helps the environment reduce and eventually eradicate single-use plastic. 2020/21 isn’t the year to start dating Marylynn. I wouldn’t have the energy for it. There’s so much going on—a global pandemic, racial inequality, a growing wealth gap, and now I’d have to go to Disneyland so I can be an enabler for someone’s deranged princess fantasy?! And then add in the possibility that she could get mad at me for using a straw? Nope. I’m not signing up for that. She’d be like, “IS THAT A STRAW?!” And I’d run away, take the guy dressed as Crush the turtle from Finding Nemo hostage, and throw our bodies in front of one of the teacups.

MJ, 23, Hair Stylist

MJ is a 23-year-old hairstylist from Hudson, Ohio who looks like she’s going to try and sell you crystals as a skin care routine. I can tell MJ is very difficult to date. She’s from a small town and her bio says, “MJ is very social and wants to find a man who will let her maintain her independence and won’t add unnecessary drama to her life.” That is the language of a hot woman who RUNS her small town. She’s out at a dive bar in Hudson and she’s laughing at some truck driver named Randy’s jokes and her boyfriend (who thinks Cleveland “has too many people”) is like, “Hey! What are you guys laughing about!?” And MJ is like, “Stop being so dramatic!! You hate when I’m independent!” And then MJ sits on the truck driver’s lap and her boyfriend is like, “Do you want another drink?” And MJ’s like, “Randy wants a Budweiser” and then she loudly whispers to Randy, “He hates how social I am.”

Pieper, 23, Graduate Student

Pieper is a 23-year-old graduate student from Happy Valley, Oregon who looks like she stars in a Disney series. Pieper’s bio says that she “is not into picnics because the idea of sitting on the ground and eating is not appealing to her.” I’ve never agreed with a statement more in my life. I’m never sitting on the ground again. From this day forth I will never look like a kindergartner during snack time. I will never again be criss-cross-apple-saucing and having my balls go numb while hunching over a paper plate. I want to vote for Pieper for President. I want to create a secret police that throws people in jail for sitting on the ground while eating. I want to take this opportunity to tell people that if they ever invite me to sit on the ground for a picnic, I will pick up their sandwich, lick it, kick their picnic basket over and then never speak to them again. Thank you, Pieper, for giving me the strength to live my truth.

Rachael, 24, Graphic Designer

Rachael is a 24-year-old graphic designer from Cumming, Georgia who describes herself as a “hopeless romantic.” Here’s a quote from Rachael:

“At the end of the day, love is what makes your life more special than others. Life can be hard and really difficult and dark at times, but if you have someone by your side that loves you more than they love themselves, that makes it all worth it in the end.”

This is why I can’t stand anyone who describes themself as a “hopeless romantic.” They say crap like that and you can’t really question them. We all just kind of nod our heads. But, “life can be hard and really difficult and dark at times.” Ummm what happened to Rachael!? Couldn’t she have stopped at “difficult?” What are we getting into with Rachael? “Dark” could literally mean anything from “a guy ghosted Rachael” to “Rachael partied on a haunted burial ground in high school and now her whole family is dead.”

Saneh, 25, IT Consultant

Saneh is a 25-year-old IT consultant from Denver who says she “loves any activity that puts her in the great outdoors—from hiking and kayaking to sunrise yoga at Red Rocks Amphitheater.” You see stuff like this all of the time on dating apps. This “active, fit, I’m always outside, adventure person” and I’ve never actually met them in real life. Maybe Saneh does sunrise yoga but like, what about sleeping until 11 and having to remember where you are because you drank too much last night? It’s just always all fitness and no reality. These people are like koalas—I’ve seen pictures but never a real one in daylight. Like, I have friends. I’ve dated. I have a girlfriend. She has friends. Not one of those people is ever like, “Let’s get a beer next week after I come back from belaying off a rock face!” If anything, it’s the opposite. Every person I know is like, “Sometimes I make nachos with American cheese slices because that’s the only thing that makes me happy.” Maybe all of these outdoors people are in Denver. They all march up and down mountains and discuss IPAs and the things they keep in their cargo pockets.

Sarah, 24, Broadcast Journalist

Sarah is a 24-year-old broadcast journalist from San Diego whose picture seems computer generated to show you how a perfectly symmetrical face would look. Sarah’s bio says that “finding a man whose commitment to faith is as strong as hers” is very important. Why do these people come on The Bachelor? I’ll never understand how someone’s like, “Wait, there’s a show where one man dates 30 women?! And I can apply?! Well, gosh darn it! I hope he likes going to church after he’s gotten blown by all 30!!”

Serena C., 24, Flight Attendant

Serena C. is a 24-year-old flight attendant from San Francisco who says she “needs a man who wants to be professionally successful, but is also a free spirit like her with dreams of traveling the world.” That quote shows you how delusional young people are about their future partner. There’s no such thing as a professionally successful free spirit. You get one or the other. You either get a flip flop-wearing, Ayahuasca-drinking, back of the plane-sitting, Airbnb-staying poor person, or you get a belt-wearing, decaf coffee-drinking, first class-sitting, five star hotel-staying rich person. And if you want kids, then you get a minivan and a mediocre house with one trip to Disney that makes you want to abandon those kids at five years old. At 24, your Elon Musk is out there and as you get older you just hope your partner has no college debt.

Serena P., 22, Publicist

Serena P. is a 22-year-old publicist from Toronto who says she is “chronically hangry.” That’s just a coded way of saying “I’m an asshole who doesn’t take responsibility for my behavior.” I put describing yourself as “hangry” in the same category as saying “I’m just sarcastic” and “nobody gets my sense of humor” and “everyone’s so sensitive.” These are all assholes who, instead of making any changes or looking in the mirror at all, give themselves a character description and we all have to just accept it. It’s always, “Sorry I was just hangry! This is what happens when you don’t feed me!!” As if they’re a 4-year-old who has the ability to pay rent but no strength to open the fridge for an apple. I’m going to start calling myself “Horngry” anytime I get mad and then go masturbate and come out of the bathroom and be like, “Sorry! I was just horngry! That’s what happens when you don’t lick my nuts!!”

Sydney, 28, Marketing Specialist

Sydney is a 28-year-old marketing specialist from Nashville who says her family would describe her as “opinionated.” I love that. Your family will always describe you with very kind honesty. I can see a dad being asked about Sydney and the dad rolling his eyes while simply saying, “She’s got a lot of OPINIONS.” That means she doesn’t hold back even when it’s annoying and she probably should. It’s why your uncle calls your cousin who has a lot of sex “flirty.” And your mom calls your racist uncle “a drunk.” This all means Sydney is about to be your next favorite person on The Bachelor. She will be the voice of the audience. I’m counting on her to ask one of the woman how they became a 21-year-old “fashion entrepreneur” and if the fashion entrepreneur company is taking any new hires soon.

Victoria, 27, Queen

Victoria’s awful, but I think that’s what she wants us to think. Her whole bio is basically saying that she’s on the show to make a name for herself. She described her job as “Queen” and mentions a “jetsetter lifestyle” and says that spirituality plays a big role in her life and she loves that she has no filter. Like, those are all squares in the game of Douchebag Bingo. I’ve always dreamt of living my life the way Victoria describes hers. Walking around without that voice in her head that’s just screaming, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! YOU JUST USED THE WORD SPIRITUALITY AND IF ANYONE ASKED YOU WHAT THAT MEANT THEN YOU’D HAVE NO ANSWER!!! YOU’RE LIVING TOO FAST AND LOOSE!! YOU’RE NOT A QUEEN WHO JET-SETS!! YOU WENT TO A MEDIOCRE STATE SCHOOL AND YOU’LL BE LUCKY TO EVER RETIRE!!” So, yes, Victoria’s awful but I also envy her.

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Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin

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