Well fam, it’s time for another weekend of wondering what shenanigans we’ll get into. With Venus making moves in Gemini and the new moon on Saturday, a few of you will need to give yourselves some self-love and pause on the whole relationship front both Saturday and Sunday, since you’ll definitely be a cranky-pants. Otherwise, lots of us will be enjoying rainy, sh*tty, cuddle weather this weekend, so eat until your heart feels like it’s going to stop, throw on some sweats, and get to being a homebody.
Gemini
You’re sexy and you know it, Gemini. Use your powers of attraction to draw in dumb men this weekend, since you’ll be totally on your game Saturday. You won’t, however, be able to use your charm on anyone in your professional sphere, so count on having to actually rely on your brain and ability to seem busy around coworkers and your micro-managing boss when the new week starts. Oh well.
Cancer
Chill tf out when it comes to the dating scene, Cancer. Or, if you’re in a relationship, take a step back and reevaluate that sh*t. Either way, the planets this weekend are pushing you to think long and hard about what you actually want and need when it comes to love. You also need to understand what you personally want in life and how that fits into the other bits and pieces. What kind of career do you want long-term? Where do you want to live? How many nights per week do you think takeout is appropriate? Venus in Gemini on Saturday is going to push you to get in touch with all the love mush, so be open to it, k?
Leo
You’re like, really popular, Leo. But it isn’t all sunshine and people kissing your ass. Some bitches be trippin’, and you’ll pick up on odd juju from your friends (or one in particular) this weekend. But before you tell her she’s a backstabbing fugly slut, take a look at your own behavior. Have you invited her out for drinks and tacos recently? Did you laugh at her when she wore sweatpants three days in a row? Just saying.
You may also meet someone hot AND smart on Saturday thanks to Venus, the loooove planet, entering Gemini. If you’re already half of a couple, head out for a group date night to reignite the spark.
Virgo
No effort needed, Virgo. If you and your S.O. have been at each other’s throats the last week, it could be best that he heads out on a boy’s weekend and you cuddle up in sweatpants with a pizza this weekend. A little time apart never hurt anyone. The planets have you misinterpreting signals from one another and you just aren’t going to see eye to eye this weekend. Socialize with some work friends or grab drinks with a new group.
Libra
Press pause, Libra. You tend you bite off a lot f*cking more than you can chew before you know wtf you’re doing. So this weekend, before you start up on a new task you know nothing about (like knitting, or Keto diets), take a minute to like, think it through. Then, do something more interesting instead. Head to the beach for the weekend. Cook an interesting meal. Drive to a tiny antique shop—whatever. Keep it simple and have some fun.
Scorpio
Stop being so f*cking moody, Scorpio. Until you’re feeling less like an emo kid, stay away from close friends, your partner, and anyone else who could easily get fed up with your moodiness. If you stick around, you’re likely to lash out, be overly paranoid, and just generally act like an asshole. Get positive and give yourself some time alone.
Sagittarius
Focus on something other than the general weirdness permeating the air around you, Sagittarius. If stuff is weird with your fam or S.O., try to get away for the weekend, get lost in a book or pizza, and just generally try not to focus on it. You’ll only feel worse when you can’t actually solve the issue. Distract yourself with a friend who is weirdly obsessed with you to get your mind off sh*t this weekend. Self-care comes in all forms, fam.
Capricorn
Being really f*cking tired comes in many forms, Capricorn. Maybe you’ve been focusing on worst-case scenarios this week, or worrying about hypotheticals. Knock it off and give yourself some self love; stop overthinking. It’s a great time to blow some cash on a spa weekend or drown your exhaustion in a masochistic spin class (or Chinese food, whatever). Whatever you do, do you.
Aquarius
Venus in Gemini this weekend is opening your heart to stuff, Aquarius. This weekend, spend time with people you truly care about. But keep track of your spending while you’re out having a big ol’ time, buddy. Guilt a friend into paying for stuff and don’t think twice about it. Your money needs some lovin’. Turns out that the planets may also give some much needed attention to your dating and love life, so use a hobby you love (like drinking) to make a connection with another human being or whatever.
Pisces
Stop doubting yourself, Pisces. You’re definitely good enough, hot enough, smart enough, and cool enough, so stop throwing yourself a pity party. Use those old doubts to remind yourself that you are awesome, k? Meanwhile, redirect those sh*tty feelings and clean up your damn apartment. There’s no room for pity parties in messy spaces. What would Marie Kondo think?
You may also have some luck in love, despite your feelings of blah-ness. Mercury is heading through your romance box this weekend, and your communication game will be on point. So you’ll be on top of your game when responding to d*ck pics with witty insults. Yay!
Aries
Listen to your gut, Aries. True, you’re a bit more paranoid than you usually are, but if it walks like a douche and talks like a douche, it’s a f*cking douche. There’s likely something lurking under the surface between you and your partner, and this isn’t the situation where you wanna just smooth things over. Face that sh*t head on.
Taurus
Time to spend all your f*cking money, Taurus—and that isn’t necessarily a great choice. Brunch or a day of bar hopping with the betches will have you kissing your rent check goodbye, so maybe try to explore cheaper options (or like, be more responsible). I know you wanna YOLO as hard as possible and yeet that hard earned cash away, but try to challenge yourself and stay within the confines of your make-pretend household budget.
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