When Head Pro calls you a “slut,” he’s doing so in a super progressive, feminist way to show his solidarity, and he’s honestly offended that you didn’t realize he was being an ally. Email him your pressing dating questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Hey Head Pro,
So a few years ago, I had a MAJOR work crush on this guy. I couldn’t get him out of my head. He would pop up, totally uninvited, in sex dreams, like all the time. The thing was that back then, I had a really serious boyfriend. Serious enough that I quit that job to move to be with him. Obviously, here we are, with me writing to you—it didn’t work out.
I’m moving back to my home city soon and thinking about hitting him up. Here’s the question: IF we got back in touch, and IF he was interested, and IF anything happened:
Bad move or okay move to admit to him that I couldn’t get him out of my head back in the day?
It’s honest, and my nature is to be honest. And I feel like it’s a good thing to hear that someone thought you were hot….maybe?? In this context, though, would it just make him think I’m an unserious and kind of slutty girl?
For what it’s worth, I feel really good saying me and him never crossed a line when we worked together. Separately, I also kind of feel like he reciprocated? And separately-separately, he might not even text me back so who tf knows if this question is worth any airtime at all! But I really hope he does, and I really hope it is.
Lmk?
Yours truly,
The horniest entry-level ex-coworker in town
Dear Horny Entry-Level Ex-Coworker,
Honestly this probably wouldn’t have been worthy of airtime, if not for 1) the little tidbit at the end mentioning that you used to work together, and 2) that it brings up a larger question: When, if ever, is it a good idea to tell a guy that you think he’s a sexy studmuffin?
The question itself isn’t that interesting (spoiler: you never need to do this), but your reasons for waffling on it are: you’re worried he might think you’re “unserious and slutty.” Shoving aside the ridiculous idea that any reasonable person would ever react to a compliment that way, this is a fine example of the deeply f*cked up way we think of women and courtship!
What is a slut, exactly, and what’s slutty? Is it a woman who’s had too many sexual partners? How many is too many? Does it matter whether or not she was dating them at the time they were humping? Is someone “slutty” when they flirt too much? When they dress too (in your opinion) provocatively? If so, ok—again, what about her are those actions/behaviors revealing? That she has too much sex? That she sleeps with other women’s partners?
You don’t know, and you can’t answer any of those questions in any way that would *extremely online debate nerd voice* hold up to even mild logic or scrutiny. It’s because sluts effectively aren’t real; the term is just a pejorative we use when a woman we don’t like behaves in a way that’s inconsistent with our values and/or worldview and we lack a more precise way to describe our displeasure. Think about it: Guys love easy sex, but plenty will tell you they don’t like sluts. How does that compute? It doesn’t, because sluts are only real in the sense that that’s how we refer to women who don’t act the way we think they ought to (in the case of most men, that means “having sex with anyone who’s not me”).
Thinking about it that way, your “unserious and slutty” descriptor becomes even funnier. Your real self-criticism is right there in “unserious”: Most of us have grown up in a world where the default circumstance is men making the overtures to women. Therefore, you hit upon the idea that a woman flipping the script and making the overture to the man is so odd, so unbelievable, that he would think it was a joke before he gave it serious consideration. BUT, because this is also a cultural and sexual norm you’d be breaking, you slapped the “slutty” label on there because it just felt right. We know, for you at least (and probably a lot of people), what defines a slut: a woman who’s sexually aggressive outside of established norms (even if that woman is you).
Realistically, these aren’t risks—guys really do tire of having to do all the heavy lifting, and an invitation to the Bone Zone Cafe from the cute office girl you used to flirt with would be a godsend. Instead what you have to contend with is the potential embarrassment if he for whatever reason rejects or brushes aside the compliment. I think I’m being scientifically accurate when I say that would be embarrassing enough to cause you to rend your skin from your flesh and throw it into a fireplace.
Don’t be an idiot. Did it take your ex-boyfriend saying he cranked his hog to you before you agreed to date him? Of course not. Just do some mild social media stalking to make sure he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and then message him on your platform of choice. A text that says “hey I’m back in town, let’s catch up :)” is about as clear as you need to be.
Moving twice in a short period of time sounds like hell,
Head Pro
When Head Pro calls you a “slut,” he’s doing so in a super progressive, feminist way to show his solidarity, and he’s honestly offended that you didn’t realize he was being an ally. Email him your pressing dating questions at [email protected], and follow him on Twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Images: Alex Holyoake on Unsplash, Giphy
