*David Attenborough voice* “And here we have a peculiar little fellow, breeding quickly and thriving in his natural habitat: the streets of Brooklyn and the For You Page.” Meet the Performative Male. At first glance, he’s a walking ick detox — matcha in hand, Murakami in tote, rescuing puppies on the weekend — but experts are saying he might actually be a red flag in disguise.
This trend is everywhere: a video from @top__trolll of a guy reading while sipping matcha hit 5M views, and a chaotic “performative male contest” on the streets of NYC by @namyarfx pulled over 4M. Basically, TikTok is low-key training us to fall for aesthetically curated trouble.
And why now? Because this is the holy trinity era: TikTok aesthetics, the post-therapy boom where everyone’s “doing the work” (or just the worksheets), and the dawn of Soft Boy Summer — where emotional depth is worn like a pearl necklace or a tote bag.
But don’t worry, I, your trusted gaslight-spotting documentarian, am here to help. Betches got the tea from Sara Tang, a certified sexologist and relationship coach at sexual wellness brand Nancy.
What Is A Performative Man?
On the surface, he’s your dream guy: he reads, he invests in skincare, he goes to therapy, he “holds space” (AKA texts you from a sound bath).
Picture the archetypes: Jacob Elordi clutching Murakami outside Erewhon. Matty Healy writing a poem about late-stage capitalism, then dating your favorite pop star. Harry Styles in pearls, sipping green juice, and “accidentally” being photographed reading bell hooks.
And the civilians: the Brooklyn rooftop vinyl hoarder who “just started therapy.” The Soho House freelancer journaling about “healing his inner child” but ghosting you by week two. The oat-milk-matcha slow-motion boy whose Spotify is one big “sad girl autumn” playlist.
“All these things point to him being an emotionally available, supportive, and thoughtful person, but the keyword is ‘performative’. You might find he’s simply selling the illusion of emotional depth, without actually putting in any real effort,” explains Tang.
According to Tang, the issue isn’t the interests themselves — although I have an issue with anyone who quotes Nietzsche. “These are all great things,” she says, referring to therapy, reading, and self-care. “But when the outfit, the interests, and the Instagram account are curated to the extent that it becomes more about showing off than about substance, it’s a problem.”
The real concern? What happens when actual intimacy is required? “That’s where he often falls short,” she adds.
How To Spot A Performative Male In The Wild
Before every man sprints into my DMs screaming, “So I can’t even journal now?!” let’s clarify: genuine, emotionally available men exist — they’re just endangered. Performative ones, however, are thriving like bedbugs in Paris.
So how do you tell them apart?
1. Needs A Standing Ovation For Every Espresso Shot
Do they do the same things when nobody’s watching? Or do they narrate every “green flag moment” like it’s a TED Talk?
“Genuine connection doesn’t need an audience, it usually thrives in small, quiet gestures and private moments where no one is watching,” Tang clarifies.
2. Therapy Buzzwords, Zero Growth
Another mad giveaway is a disconnect between words and actions. Do they walk the walk? They can talk about mental health all day long, but if they ghost you whenever you express an actual feeling, then the math ain’t mathing. For example, if they discuss how consent is important to them but complain about blue balls or try to convince you to be in the mood, then this is straight-up bullshit.
3. Fake Bulge Energy
Do they understand what they’re saying (pink tax, consent, feminism), or is it just a podcast echo chamber they’re repackaging as personality? Discover why they got interested in a subject and if they can back it up with more than a 1-minute TikTok.
4. Master Of Mindful Ghosting
“Vulnerability is the cornerstone of intimacy,” says Tang. “But performative guys project an ideal version of themselves instead of exposing their fears, flaws, or insecurities.”
Do they open up about what they’re struggling with now, or only their childhood trauma? Diving into the past is no picnic, but it’s also notable that they evade any talk of their thoughts, struggles, and feelings in the present.
Can You Spot Genuine Emotional Availability?
I wish there were a metal detector for genuine emotional availability; it would’ve saved me a lot of pain in the past. Just this year, I’ve been fooled twice by surface-level emotional availability that hid deeper issues. There’s no metal detector, no pee on a stick test, just consistency. Observe his words, actions, and motivations, and see if they’re consistent over time and in different contexts.
Watch what happens in the bad times. Does he stay present when things get hard, or disappear to go microdose with the boys?
Tang’s golden rule: “Pay attention to how he behaves when no one’s watching. That’s the guy you’re really dating.”
And the ultimate green flag? He makes you feel seen, heard, and emotionally safe—not just when it’s convenient, but consistently.
Why Do We Keep Falling For Performative Males?
Because modern dating aesthetics have tricked us into lowering the bar. A guy saying, “I’m not like the assholes you’ve dated” now passes for intimacy. TikTok keeps romanticizing bare-minimum softness, and we’re so starved for something different that we fall for the PR package.
We’re not even surprised when it blows up—just disappointed.
So, next time you see a guy reading The 5 AM Club with his matcha, remember: green flags are just red flags in disguise—if you squint.
