Forget Feral Kid Summer, rich moms in the wild are the real ones you need to worry about, at least according to the new mommy thriller, Mean Moms. Author Emma Rosenblum’s new novel tackles the twisted world of private school moms, where their New York City inner circle starts out like Gossip Girl but low-key morphs into Lord of the Flies. I added this book to my back-to-school reading list and was quickly surprised to find some of the ~titular~ mean moms were a little more familiar than I’d like to admit.
As all the moms knee-deep in PTA parties know, the group chat isn’t always on its best behavior behind closed doors. If you were locked in on figuring which White Lotus season 3 bestie you related to the most (I’m a Carrie Coon, obviously), you’re gonna wanna unpack every type of bitchy mom in Mean Moms and how to spot the red flags that you might be the odd mom out in the group chat.
What Type Of Mom Friend Are You? Based On Your Glaring Red Flags
The Grown-Up Disney Princess
It’s charming having a friend who seems like they stumbled out of the enchanted woods, except for those days when you’re too tired to pretend that ordering fast food for dinner isn’t at the top of your wish list. In Mean Moms, Belle is a well-meaning inheritor of generational wealth who wants to make the fashion world respect her and her XL ponytail as a businesswoman. But the issue with big girl princesses is that they can be too precious when shit gets messy.
If your friend is always whining when things go wrong, whether it’s her kiddos’ naughty behavior at after-school sports or getting wrapped up in work drama, yet she won’t go further to roll up her sleeves to clean shit up, that’s your red flag that she may be living in a fantasy bubble. And, if your friends are constantly smiling at you like “good luck, Charlie” every time you complain about your (kinda sorta) champagne problems, this one might be your toxic mom trait, girl.
The Insecure Cool Girl
Much like being chic, being cool is a highly desirable lifestyle, and sometimes that lifestyle relies on faking it until you make it. TBF, it’s only human to want to radiate cool girl energy, especially when raising kids includes so many objectively un-cool responsibilities (like making sure human feces doesn’t get stuck under your manicure). But moms like Mean Moms’ retired it girl Frost are perhaps a little too concerned with looking the part in public compared to what’s going on in their heads (in Frost’s fictional case, insecurity about the stage of life she’s in leads to an affair with someone way too close to home). So the next time you’re seeing green while scrolling through fire fits and exotic family trips on one of your mom pal’s Instagram feeds, maybe text her on the side to make sure everything is actually cool at home.
The Overachieving Control Freak
As a card-carrying know-it-all myself, reading the chapters about a character with a mile-long to-do list hit a little too close to home. Like, when you have kids, keeping a mental encyclopedia of tips on the best and easiest way to do things is par for the course. Where Morgan lost me as a relatable budding matriarch was taking her library of recommendations, hobbies, and side-hustles, and entering major control freak territory with the new friend in the clique and her daughter’s school life. Red flags you may be overdoing it as the Morgan of your mom group? If your playdates require itineraries, if the front desk at school rolls their eyes when they see you walking over, or if people randomly ask if you were an only child even though you’re over 30 — take three deep breaths and maybe let someone else plan the next school play, okay?
The Nosey Helper
Having a friend who you can lean on for mama drama is soooo clutch. Still, it doesn’t hurt to be a little mindful of friends who always seem to be there the moment something goes wrong (and are willing to talk to the rest of the group about your Ls). To be fair to Sofia, when she enters the private school scene as the new mom on the block, she has a lot of bitchy gatekeepers to clear to prove herself for acceptance. But, if you relate to being so hungry to make new grown-up friends to talk to that you’re willing to insert yourself wherever there’s room, might I suggest releasing the reins to let those relationships build up organically?
Does my mom group secretly hate me?
Chances are, people who are willingly spending time talking to you don’t have a massive conspiracy against you. That said, the experts at Verywell Mind note it’s normal to have feelings of being an outsider when you enter a new phase of life, like becoming a mom or transitioning your kids to a new school system. Plus, social media doesn’t help, and we all know sharing the ins and outs of mom life on social media is so in style lately. It’s hella easy for messages over text or pictures posted online to “confirm” our most insecure fears, especially when it comes to vulnerable soft spots like having friends (yes, indeed, that’s your inner child knocking).
But if you do have solid evidence that plans are making it out of the mom group chat, and yet you’re not included, the best way to get answers on why is to just ask. Here’s the key, though: don’t talk to your fellow moms as if they’re one of your kids or like you’re still one either. Approach the grown-ass ladies you’re closest to in the group over coffee or during soccer practice while kids are busy or whateva, and calmly ask, WTF is up. If they can’t give you clear feedback, then they weren’t real friend material anyway.
