Manny, was ~mostly joking~ when he told TikTok that he and his husband Stephen were looking for two women interested in a lavender marriage, a term that dates back to the early 20th century to describe an arrangement where one or both partners are in the LGBTQ+ community but maintain the facade of being in a heterosexual relationship.
He hoped their quad could use their four incomes for a nice house where they could watch Grey’s Anatomy and get pedicures while they dealt with the “very scary reality” the LGBTQ+ community might face following the election results. Maybe they could even have children down the line (with or without a turkey baster). When Manny posted this video, he didn’t think any more than his usual 300 followers would see it. But his post is now at 3.6 million views with over 600,000 comments from (mostly) straight, single and even married women saying they know he’s kidding, but if he’s ever serious, they’re available.
@sprucewoodboysLavender marriage on the compund anyone?♬ original sound – SprucewoodBoys
“Most of these comments, I assume, are jokes, but isn’t there that saying ‘in jest comes truth?'” Manny tells Betches. And yes, Manny’s video was “meant entirely as a joke” as it was a “coping mechanism for bigotry and hate” he felt following the election results. “There was absolutely zero serious intention behind the post,” he explains. “There is no world where a lavender marriage would be ideal for us. We just want to be able to love each other, raise a family, and be truly left alone.”
Today, as dating horror stories grow, bears (like real ones) in the woods are less intimidating than straight cis men, inflationships are on the rise since no one can afford houses (and no, that has nothing to do with millennial’s avocado toast) and the rights of the LGBTQ+ community and women are in jeopardy with Trump’s Project 2025 — more and more mostly Gen Z gay men and straight women are claiming they’re considering a lavender marriage on TikTok. Let’s unpack the uptick in interest for lavender marriages decades after their initial popularity — and in some cases, absolute necessity.
Why Are Lavender Marriages On The Rise?
Unlike Manny, many are turning to TikTok in earnest to find a potential partner. Stephen Brenland, with his British accent and piercing blue eyes, identifies as “95% gay” but he’s telling his 611.2 thousand TikTok followers he wishes he was into women. He finds dating men impossible because they’re “so mean” and “cannot be loyal.” His solution? He’s considering a lavender marriage. Traditionally, this union protected the LGBTQ+ community with the privileges of heterosexual marriage and even prevented some celebrities from being outed by the media. (It’s giving The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo.) But Stephen is not closeted. To him, this arrangement seems like an appealing backup plan to enjoy the privileges of a healthy marriage if the men he dates continue to disappoint him.
@stephenbrenland Replying to @Aida You are invited to my lavender wedding #gay #gaytiktok #straight #lavenderwedding #datingadvice #fyp #stephenbrenland ♬ original sound – stephenbrenland
Anne-Marie Zanzal, M.Div., a questioning sexuality/coming out coach, thinks there’s a misunderstanding of the term lavender marriage on social media today. “People did not enter these marriages for the perceived benefits, but to protect themselves from persecution, stigmatization, social isolation and to not limit their careers due to their singleness,” she says. “People who were married were perceived to be more stable and, of course, straight.” In addition to straight or heteronormative privilege, married folks have privileges that singles do not.
Similarly, Jamie Evan Bichelman, M.S., a psychologist who focuses on human sexuality, thinks today’s discourse about lavender marriages is different from the past as it’s now coming from “a jaded, hopeless, disenfranchised generation of individuals” who think “a sham marriage” can be their lifeline to make rent, gain access to certain necessities, or afford certain luxuries.” And in some cases, he’s not necessarily wrong. Take Robbie Scott, a licensed therapist based out of northern Minnesota, who is taking applications for his hand in lavender marriage for mostly financial reasons. Robbie is looking for someone who can pay their half of the mortgage, utilities, and taxes *on time* to be in an open relationship with him (with an emphasis in sleeping in separate beds).
For many straight women interested in the arrangement, the motivation seems to come from a different place. Joe Kort, PhD, LMSW, author of Is My Husband Gay, Straight or Bi?: A Guide For Women Concerned About Their Men, has seen a rise of his female patients aspiring to be in lavender marriages because they feel safer with homosexual men who they feel treat women with more respect, friendship, and equality (isn’t that what we all want in a marriage?). For example, Chase Stephanie, a construction worker and mom interested in the 4B movement is looking to be in a lavender marriage with someone who aspires to share a three to five-acre homestead with lots of dogs. Amaya Etheart, a straight 21-year-old woman from South Florida, told TikTok that a date made her realize that a lavender marriage was what she “really needs.” She couldn’t be herself the way she can be with her gay friend (who she’s considered a lavender marriage with).
What’s The Difference Between Lavender Marriage And “New” Mixed-Orientation Marriages?
I first heard about lavender marriages when Samantha Wynn Greenstone popped up on my FYP announcing that she was at the courthouse and “marrying a gay man.” That gay man was fellow influencer Jacob Hoff (who I recognized from his viral lists, specifically the ones ranking musicals). Samantha (who identifies as straight) and Jacob (who identifies as gay) were completely platonic friends for 18 months before becoming intimate. They have been in a monogamous, romantic mixed-orientation relationship for almost eight years and are now legally married (so no, that TikTok was not satire).
@samanthawynngreenstone @Jacob Hoff ♬ original sound – Samantha Wynn Greenstone
One of the top comments on that video, with over three million views, is, “I’m all for lavender marriages.” Still, the two millennials didn’t intend to be part of this lavender marriage conversation when Jacob first told his followers, “I’m gay, and I have a girlfriend.” Most of the backlash Samantha and Jacob have received since opening up about their relationship has come from the queer community who have accused Samantha of being Jacob’s beard or think what they’re doing is an extension of conversion therapy (despite Jacob never saying that he’s no longer gay, nor are they encouraging their audience to find a relationship like theirs). Or, they’re getting accusations that Jacob must be cheating on Samantha.
Samantha gets how their relationship might seem “farfetched and a little sensational,” but it’s their real dynamic, she tells me over the phone. She thinks the only reason people find their relationship so shocking “is people aren’t talking about it.” Samantha suspects many people might have thought their videos were a joke because of the viral sound of “name a more iconic duo than a twink and a redhead.” FYI, Jacob thinks of himself as a “masculine gay,” and as you can see, Samantha is clearly blonde.
Dr. Kort says Samantha and Jacob are the first couple he’s come across that have knowingly formed their arrangement, which he calls a “new mixed marriage.” Mixed-Orientation Marriages (MOM) have been around for years but usually describe a relationship where one or both of the partners in a heterosexual marriage later realize they’re part of the LGBTQ+ community and stay married. Dr. Kort thinks “everyone’s brains are blown” by Samantha and Jacob’s relationship because people are having an “infidelity response” and “projecting their own insecurities on what they see on social media.” And here, I thought on TikTok, “We listen, and we don’t judge.”
Despite what the haters say, Samantha and Jacob don’t plan to stop posting about their relationship, especially since they’ve been getting messages from people in similar relationships who feel less confused, scared, and alone since seeing their videos. “We kind of want to be that example that starts to normalize these dynamic,” she says. “If people do find themselves feeling the way that we feel, we want them to see that this relationship exists on the spectrum of possibilities.”
To Samantha, her relationship with Jacob is “the most freeing, open, and honest thing.” Their love for each other is very real and not a “marriage of convenience” like a traditional lavender marriage. Rather, their dynamic comes from them being best friends and soulmates, as Samantha puts it. “He’s my husband, but it feels like we were together in a past life. We’ve just always been each other’s person, and this is just the package we’ve found each other in this lifetime.”
So while most lavender marriage applications on TikTok are either a joke or a last resort from dating fatigue and/or political turmoil, there’s a rainbow of other types of relationships and marriages out there that are not a joke and do work. Still, it’s clear that these dynamics are not the same as lavender marriages of the past.
At the end of the day, there’s one thing that makes all types of marriages equal: the wedding tax. So maybe elope?
