Are you tired of paying attention to developing news stories? Are you sick of respecting other people’s personal space during a global pandemic? Are you tired of paying sales tax?
Here at You Must Miami PR, we believe our winters should be humid and muggy, and our city should be at the mercy of an entire state whose values might be contrary to our own—not the other way around! New York City has been living the high life for far too long.
Lucky for you, Fantastical Florida doesn’t deal with pesky progressive legislation, mask mandates, or securing funding for government projects to better serve the public. And what better place in Florida to capture the diversity and talent incubator you’re leaving behind than magical Miami? You’ll be able to ignore interactions with anyone you may disagree with because we only have two subway lines that go to the exact same places. You’ll meet the same people over and over again, or you’ll buy a car.* The circle of life!
After all, Miami brought you Flo Rida, Pitbull, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Any time you ask yourself, “What’s cooking?” you should immediately pair it with gratitude for mesmerizing Miami. Does ‘what’s cooking’ need spice? We got you—Shakira holds the key to our city. We have our priorities straight and although we know we shouldn’t call Latinas “spicy,” here at You Must Miami PR, we aren’t bound by PC culture or basic human respect.
If our home crop doesn’t entice you, our transplants include Iggy Pop, Gloria Estefan, and Phil Collins. Do you think you’re better than Phil Collins?** Writer of “In the Air Tonight”? Patrick Bateman of American Psycho’s favorite musician?
Miami also has its tech population. Blake Aaron Ross, co-founder of Mozilla FireFox, was born and bred here. Everyone loves FireFox, right? Right?! And he made the browser for his mother who was frustrated with Internet Explorer—WHAT A GREAT SON. Miamians are wholesome people, even if the state around us is falling apart.
See, we’re not like Fanning Springs, FL where 50 manatees have died in 2021 from contaminated canals. In miraculous Miami, we’ve only had 15 manatees die for the exact same reason. But dirty canals, dying mammals, and daily “Florida-man” stories should make you ex-New Yorkers feel right at home. Especially since dolphins have started creeping into Brooklyn?! Ugh. Stay in your lane, dolphins.
Shed your masks, shed your legal protections (unless you’re a cop, of course), and shed your New York blues for red-hot Miami!***
* Don’t use your blinker, though—no one else does.
**Full-disclosure, Phil Collins did move to Féchy, Switzerland in 2008, but that’s a reflection of him—not Miami. Don’t put that evil on us.
***We don’t necessarily believe in climate change, but we’re legally obligated to tell you a mass exodus from the Florida coast is happening as sea levels rise for some arbitrary reason definitely not related to the ice caps melting.
Image: Gian Cescon / Unsplash
