Between the assault that was Ben Flajnik’s tank tops (stripes on stripes), Sean Lowe’s born-again virginity (100% not a thing), Arie’s love of everything (he loves that), and Nick Viall’s general douchery, we’re #done with the poor showing of men brought to us by ABC through The Bachelor franchise. Can you remember a time we really, truly LOVED the guy selected as the next Bachelor? I can. It was Juan Pablo, and he turned out to be one of the worst people pretty much on any show ever, and that’s including Scott Disick.
We hereby nominate Chris Harrison as our next Bachelor for the following reasons:
He’s Already Divorced
So this is kind of a f*cking duh point, but based on the secret lovers of Bachelor franchise contestants throughout time, it’s a solid point to make. Chris has no (romantic) strings attached. He has no wife, two kids (see: baggage), and just a big, sad, empty mansion (I assume) where he writes his erotic fiction. He divorced in 2012 after almost 20 years of marriage to his college sweetheart (YIKES), but hey, at least we know he’s not afraid of long-term commitments!
He’s A Prestigious Writer
Lest we forget, Chris Harrison is a f*cking legit erotic novel writer. Yes. He’s responsible for the sentence: “He was a practiced, considerate, and skilled lover, and two years together had taught him how to please her.” Did we all throw up together? If that doesn’t say, “I like to get freaky but I’m sensitive,” idk what does. Fun fact: I read six pages of Chris’ book, and I think he has a combination of BDSM and mommy issues he needs to work out.
He’s Loaded
Do you have any idea how much Chris Harrison takes home after hosting this trainwreck of a show? He has the easiest job in Hollywood and appears to have job security, so that’s the first plus. Aside from that, his net worth as of September 2018 was estimated to be about 16 million smackaroos, thanks to a combination of The Bachelor franchise and saying yes to anything (ANYTHING) ABC and Mickey Mouse ask him to do. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, fam. It’s not Bill Gates-level living, but it’s better than that “financial advisor” bro that keeps sliding into your DMs.
He’s A Messy Bitch Who Lives For Drama
Chris literally cannot. He LOVES building up non-events, teasing us with commercial breaks, and dragging out some of the most hard-to-watch moments on television. Example: During Becca and Arie’s breakup, I could 100% see Chris’s boner. I’m not even mad about it. Chris revels in catfights and breakups and knows just what to say to amp up non-action. Can we get him on Lindsay Lohan’s show? ***Furiously scribbles notes to start GoFundMe to send Chris to Mykonos***
He Seems Sad
I would be, too, if I had to live my life hosting The Bachelor franchise. Despite the money and hundreds of Bachelor friends, Chris seems sad. This also makes him vulnerable and a perfect candidate for a show dedicated to exploiting people’s fears of relationships.
He Knows Good Television
Chris knows how to play sh*t up, f*ck with the audience (and me), and completely destroy contestants. Lest we forget his foray into speaking Japanese and literally kicking Yuki off The Bachelor: Winter Games. Was literally anyone expecting that? How about when he was 100% ready to explain how to lose your virginity in three easy steps to Colton (fingers crossed that still happens this season)? Chris knows that we want and how to time commercial breaks so we come in our pants (sorry) every time something unexpected happens.
He’s Hot In A Dad Way
Don’t deny it. Chris, with his striking blue eyes and non-balding head are a big upgrade from the usual dads we’re weirdly into. He’s also from Dallas and an old frat bro, so he’s definitely into mowing the lawn with a beer and making you watch football. I’m personally upset by how okay with that I am.
He’s Well-Traveled
Chris Harrison gets to fly to scenic Bach filming locations, be they Richmond, VA (LOLOLOLOL) or Vienna, Austria. He probably has a working knowledge of fine wines and knows exactly what cheese to pair with your Gewürztraminer. We already know he can speak Japanese; how many other languages can Chris say “the most dramatic season ever” in?? Sh*t, he can probably name the best street food stalls in Thailand and knows the best saunas in Switzerland. Take me with you, Chris. I’ll speak whatever language you want (as long as it’s English).
Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (8)
