Most of us will pretty much try anything that guarantees we’ll
feel look our best. I mean, how many more ways must I consume green tea before I have Kendall Jenner’s metabolism?! Fuck this, I want to make out with Anwar Hadid! Anyway, I’m personally sick of throwing away money on useless fitness gimmicks, and I’m sure you are too. Like, if I’m going to waste money, I’ll do it on vodka sodas that I just throw up the next morning—at the very least I’ll get a good Instagram story out of that. Here are the fitness scams I’m officially done wasting money on.
You’ve def heard it by now—juicing is basically just drinking sugar water. The whole idea with juicing is that you’re not consuming physical food and therefore must be getting skinny, right??? Wrong. When you juice, you remove all of the healthy fiber from the fruits and veggies you’re consuming. By doing so, your body is supposedly better able to absorb the nutrients. However, there is very little research to actually support this claim. In fact, there’s even research showing that without the fiber, your body may not even be able to reap all the nutritional benefits from those fruits and veggies. Fiber is fucking amazing and has a long list of health benefits—the most important being that it keeps you full (aka you’re less tempted to graze on shitty snacks). Basically, if you’re trying to get in your servings of fruits and veggies then you’re wayyyy better off just eating the fruits and vegetables. Groundbreaking, I know.
2. Cellulite Creams
If fixing your cellulite was as easy as slapping a $20 cream on the back of your thighs, Kim Kardashian wouldn’t have the need to Facetune all of her bathing suit pics. Miracle cellulite-banishing creams seem too good to be true because they are too good to be true. Cellulite is an issue that occurs under the skin and within its structure, so it can’t simply be corrected with a topical cream. There’s a bunch of science out there that explains exactly what cellulite is and what causes it but like, you can research that on your own time. My only job here is to tell you that some Sephora cream isn’t going to fix it. Cellulite creams can temporarily improve the appearance of the skin’s texture because they are infused with caffeine, which acts as a diuretic and appears to firm the skin. Conclusion: putting a cream on top of your cellulite can temporarily reduce the appearance of cellulite. But, in the long run, cellulite is a much deeper rooted issue than even Scott Disick’s drinking problem.
3. Weight Machines
The most valuable takeaway from my out-of-state college tuition was learning that weight machines are inefficient and should only really be used by people with injuries. This is because weight machines isolate specific muscles rather than working multiple muscles at once. I personally am all about efficiency. Life motto: how can I get maximum results with minimal effort? I’d rather spend my 45 minutes doing compound movements with free weights or body weight than waste it working some tiny muscle in my right leg that I’ve never even heard of.
4. Waist Trimmer Belts
A common theme with most of these fitness scams is the mind-fuck that is losing water weight. Like the fuckboy you swore you’d be done with, fitness scams that cause us to lose water weight find a way to suck us back in every time. Even though we know better, we still manage to convince ourselves that this one specific product/method is different. And, like your fuckboy proves time and time again, it’s never different. Waist trimmer belts are the epitome of this because they give immediate, but temporary, results. The whole idea here is that a waist trimmer belt will supposedly keep in your body heat, therefore causing you to sweat more. However, more sweat does not equal more weight loss, and the sooner you figure this out, the better off you’ll be. The only real time you should use a waist trimmer belt during your workout is if you have an event or something later that night. Waist trimmer belts will temporarily flatten your tummy due to the compression, so they can be helpful if you’re going to be wearing something tight. They just can’t actually help you lose weight.
5. Detox Teas
Everyone knows that Flat Tummy Tea is the biggest joke since Sonja Morgan’s attempt at a toaster oven line. No matter how many Bachelor contestants try to pitch it on Instagram, at the end of the day, it’s not going to make you drop those stubborn 10 pounds. This is another prime example of a fitness gimmick that feeds off of the loss of water weight. The combination of caffeine and other diuretics gives a laxative effect that leads to water weight loss. Not weight loss, water weight loss. There are, however, many health benefits to drinking tea and, with the right diet and fitness program, they can definitely help “support” a weight loss regimen. But, let me tell you right now, Chipotle plus Tiny Tummy Tea does not equal weight loss—just a LOT of trips to the bathroom.
6. Insta-Celeb Diet/Fitness Plans
That Instagram model whose bod you want? Let’s just say it takes a lot more to get her thigh gap than the 7-minute workout she’s promoting. There’s not much more to say here except don’t be an idiot and do your fucking research. If that hot girl from your sorority who’s claiming to be a health coach is selling a fitness plan but was like, a Comm major with an eating disorder, I’d save your money. However, there are some legit Insta-famous fitness people, like Kayla Itsines, who sell really good workout programs. The difference between her and the girl from your sorority is some legit credentials.
7. Hot Yoga
Long story short, there’s not enough research to back hot yoga as significantly better than any other form of yoga. In fact, hot yoga can be worse for you because you’ll probs feel super nauseous and you’re also more likely to pull a muscle. Now, if you’re some freak who actually prefers this method, then by all means, continue on with your hot yoga. But, if you don’t enjoy slipping in your own sweat while trying to find your zen then don’t feel bad. Your basic yoga will do.
I’m not a fitness expert, so feel free to take or leave my advice. BUT, I am a girl who loves going into a good internet spiral after feeling guilty about binge eating a sleeve of Chips Ahoy—soooo I do kinda know a thing or two.
Images: Giphy (3)