Look, we understand that weddings are stressful for everyone involved. The groom would probably rather eat his shoe than be the center of attention. The bride is locked in a battle of financials and décor with her mother and mother-in-law. The bridesmaids are ready to stab each other over splitting the bill for the bachelorette party. And we, your wedding guests, just want a simple open bar and some goddamn hot food.
But Pinterest and the internet have betrayed us. Food trends for weddings are running unchecked into really fucking stupid territory. Be it naked cakes, or food trucks, or all things fusion, we’re here to guide you on what you def should not do for your wedding when it comes to feeding us.
1. Doughnuts
These belong in brightly colored stores dotting the crappiest highways, not on a cutesy peg board at your dessert table. I’m sorry, but is that shit just ASKING to be poked, prodded, burped on, and otherwise touched by the nasty toddlers you allowed to be present during your special day? Hard pass.
2. Cupcakes
These were cute in 2012. They now have no place on your dessert table. Negative bonus points if they’re mini and form your cake. You, ma’am, can fuck right off. Are you a bride or a bitch hosting a sweet 16? Grow up.
3. Food Trucks
Are you a Brooklyn hipster, a hipster hopeful, or just trying to be a dick? Go ahead and have a food truck at your wedding. While we deem these acceptable for cocktail hour (but barely), making your guests stand in line for made-to-order food, when we’re already drunk and tired and just want to eat mashed potatoes through a straw, is cruel and unusual. Did you know that food trucks used to be referred to as Roach Coaches? Yeah, so go ahead and have one. I fucking dare you.
4. Breakfast For Dinner
Oh, I’m going to keep my food cost low but thrill my guests with lukewarm pancakes, runny eggs, and tepid potatoes! Yippee! You realize I could have this for a quarter of the price down the road at Waffle House, right? A wedding—especially an evening wedding—is no goddamn place for your brunch dinner.
5. Mini Everything
Oh my gawwwwddddd, look how cute this tiny taco is, next to my tiny tequila shot, next to my tiny beef wellington. Hey guess what—if you have an open bar, I’mma need some real food up in this bitch. Full size servings, please. Unless you’re planning on hosting a tea party for small children, go ahead and put me down for the full size steak, full size shots, and full size fucking dinner.
6. Around The World And Fusion
Pick a fucking country—even two—and settle on it. Unless you and your intended are each like, Indian and Mexican and Native American and Italian and Jewish, you don’t need 20 fucking dishes representative of your culture. Uh, no, I really don’t want Korean-Jewish fusion tacos or sesame chicken next to my matzah balls. Knock it off. As was once said in Forgetting Sarah Marshall: “It doesn’t make you a traveler of the world, it makes you full of shit.”
