5 Ways Not To Announce Your Pregnancy This Holiday Season

Is it just me, or is there a serious influx of pregnancy announcements right around Thanksgiving? It’s like all married people decided to toss their birth control in July so they could time their entry into the second trimester with a large family gathering. And while planning your unprotected boning for announcement purposes sounds SUPER romantic, it’s also just kinda selfish. I mean, don’t single people feel lonely enough as it is? Now we have to have the “nope, no husband in sight” conversation with every family member and when we retreat into the bathroom with our cellphones for some peaceful alone time to check Instagram, it’s only to see that all of our friends are pregnant….fuuuuuck.

Sure, we are all jealous of scared for sorry for happy for you, but it doesn’t feel totally necessary to rub your fertility and relationship success in all of our faces between the months of November and January. It’s not like happy couples with no plans to have children go around posting photos of themselves on vacation in Hawaii with captions like, “Another year of childless bliss where we can afford to go on vacations and don’t have to feel sorry for the people sitting next to us on the plane”. I could seriously get behind this as a thing though, and my first post would look something like this:

But since the goal of announcing life cycle events on social media is to make everyone jealous of your “fabulous” life, I don’t expect cheesy pregnancy posts to end anytime soon. So for those of you who are thinking of joining the ranks of pregnancy-announcement posters (or for those of you that feel my pain), here is a list of the five most annoying and cliché ways to show the world you are doing life right, or something.

1. With Baby Shoes

Instagram Baby Announcement

This one just doesn’t seem practical. Babies don’t walk or wear shoes for like a year, so what are you going to do with those shoes for the next 18+ months? Socks would be more reasonable.

2. Using Your Pet

Carrie Underwood Pregnancy Announcement

I love a good dog Insta just as much as the next girl. In fact, I am happiest when my feed consists entirely of animal photos. But it seems especially cruel to make your pet pose for a photo celebrating the tiny human that will soon take all of your attention away from them. “Hey Bailey sit still, we’re telling the world that we’re about to stop caring about you.”

3. Showing Us Your Pregnancy Test

Bar Refaeli Pregnancy

Simple rule: Don’t post pictures of things you’ve peed on. Just don’t.

4. Assuming Your Unborn Child Will Like Sports

Michael Phelps Baby Announcement

What if the only sport your child enjoys is Bachelor fantasy league-ing? It just seems presumptuous to think they are going to give a fuck about any type of sportsball. Let them make their own choices.

5. The Sonogram

Lauren Conrad Pregnancy Announcement

Is that actually a baby? Could be an alien, could be an empty uterus, could be literally anything. I’m neither convinced nor impressed.

So if you haven’t come up with something more original, why don’t you just show up to next year’s Thanksgiving with a baby and shout “Surprise!” upon entry. I bet you could still hire that professional photographer to catch your family’s reaction.