Bridal showers are outdated and tacky. I’m sorry (I’m not), but throwing yourself a party meant to stock your home with sheets, towels, and Tupperware seems a little outdated these days. First of all, who isn’t living with their significant other before they’re engaged? Like, and even if you aren’t, are you a home schooled jungle freak that hasn’t broken out of mom and dad’s house yet? If not, you probably aren’t ready to get married. But I digress.
The absolute worst part of any bridal shower is the games. These were likely dreamt up in the 1950s when women were super psyched about staying in a kitchen all day and rubbing their husband’s feet when he came home (not). So, to say we feel they’re outdated and tacky is an understatement. Please stop playing these bridal shower games, or at least let me know the itinerary in advance so I can make sure to not be there.
1. Anything Involving The Big Hat
You’ve seen it before. This isn’t necessarily a game, but more a terrible tradition. Basically, your aunt or mom or future mother-in-law or someone else who wants to embarrass you creates a giant hat out of ribbons from gifts and a paper plate. The bride is then required to wear it. Everyone laughs and takes pictures. Fuck that.
2. What’s In The Bag?
Just like WHAT’S IN THE BOX, this game is fucking traumatizing and terrible. The hostess takes a bunch of brown paper bags and fills them each with some kind of household item. Guests are then blindfolded and asked to “sniff” the bag. Alright fam, unless there’s some coke in one of these, count me out (lol not rly but srsly). The official rules say you can add anything from powdered detergent to ground mustard to sawdust. What sheltered Victorian betch came up with this shit? “Oh this party sucks, LET’S MAKE MARGARET SNIFF CAYENNE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!” Jesus Christ.
Hard pass. Unless you and your guests are over 65, this is probably going to be a real shitty time.
4. Toilet Paper Gown
This game is shitty (LOL). Guests wrap the bride in toilet paper creations after splitting into teams. Sorry I’m not super into being wrapped in the same material used in area where I do my top secret business.
5. The Newlywed Game
If, somehow, your fiancé has come to the shower with you (BIG ETIQUETTE NO-NO unless it’s a WEDDING shower and not a bridal shower), please do not play the newlywed game. Nobody wants to see the super cute responses you come up with and no one wants to see you get a question wrong and yell at your fiancé for it later.