Right around the time Pinterest starting distracting us from getting any real work done, some real tacky shit starting happening at weddings. At first, everyone was all, “omg presh so RUSTIC CHIC.” But that shit got real old, real fast. You didn’t see any of that shit at Kate Middleton’s wedding, did you? How about literally any wedding ever featured in Vogue? That should tell you something.
For this article, I consulted with my friend who has been to somewhere near 35 weddings, and is considered an expert (to me anyway) on the tackiest shit people work into their special day. She’s seen some terrible things, and together we have weighed in on all the don’ts that you should be ashamed to have even thought about working into this celebration of love and drunkenness. You’ll thank us someday.
1. Cash Bars Or Dry Weddings
This is, 100%, the biggest wedding don’t. Not only is it incredibly tacky to ask your guests to pay for their drinks, but it’s straight-up rude. Like, chances are, people traveled to your wedding, and NOW you’re asking them for a gift AND to pay for their fun alcohol? I can do that any night of the week. As far as not serving alcohol—just because YOU don’t drink doesn’t mean your guests aren’t looking to get turnt. Like, weddings are a great opportunity to hook up, and alcohol is the cause of and solution to all of our hookup probs.
2. Mason Jars
If you’re trying to work something into your wedding that you’ve seen covered in cobwebs in Gramma’s basement, you’re doing something wrong. Along with other rustic shit, mason jars had everyone jizzing their pants a few years ago, but as with all trends, this too needs to die. The only acceptable place for mason jars may be holding your bouquets in the privacy of your home before the ceremony. Stop working them into centerpieces to show how down-to-earth and country you are. You live in New York City, so just stop.
You know where burlap belongs? In anything Joanna Gaines is making or on a farm. Not as part of your wedding décor. Yah, around 2013-14 it was acceptable, but we’re in 2017 for Christ’s sake. Having this itchy brown fabric on tables, as bows, or literally anywhere is a big fucking no.
4. Cowboy Boots On Brides And Converse Sneakers On Grooms
Stop being a fucking twat. This is your wedding, not a hoedown. And as far as your future husband is concerned, this isn’t a Green Day concert. Time to grow the fuck up and get real shoes.
5. Playing Your College Fight Song
This goes for literally any point in the wedding day, be it ceremony or reception. Chances are, not everyone at the wedding went to your college. And we get that you’re like, SOOOO proud to be a Tiger/Bobcat/Irish person, but (hopefully) you’re out of college come the big day. Plus, no one, no matter how drunk, wants to hear a drunk group of too-old frat boys scream “RA RA RA” and try to relive the good ol’ days. Grow up. And if you feel obligated to avoid getting married during college football season, well, you should probably take a long, hard look at your life.
6. Tarot Card Readers
Along with clowns, magicians, and other entertainers, tarot card readers have no place at your wedding. This is the joining of two people who have given up totally love each other, not a child’s 9th birthday party. You need to entertain your guests? Have an open bar and watch them entertain themselves.
7. “Themed” Weddings
Here’s a tip—if you’re getting married, the theme of your wedding should be WEDDING. “Oh let’s get married on Halloween/New Year’s/Hanukkah!” First of all, your guests probably have other shit to do those days (like watching their kids open gifts or choke on candy). Secondly, no one wants to see you slice into a black cake or work skulls into your reception décor. As we said previously, grow the fuck up. This is a wedding, not a trip to the Haunted Mansion.
8. Asking For Cash
I know it would be ideal to just write on the invitation “money plz lol”, but you really can’t. Unfortunately, you either need to set up a registry OR not set up a registry and not put any info about gifts in your invites and let your guests figure it out. Yah, Great Aunt Doris may take that as an invitation to get you that really tasteful sculpture of Jesus for your bedroom, but it’s a risk you may have to take. Your only other option and closest chance of getting cash is setting up a honeymoon registry, where guests can straight-up buy you activities for your honeymoon.
9. Rainbow Bridesmaids’ Dresses
Jesus Christ, if you think this is a good idea, you need to like, maybe not get married or just not have bridesmaids. Do you want your wedding pics to look like a Skittles commercial? Then def go for this look. It will look awful and you’ll hate yourself later. And that’s not even taking into consideration just how deeply your bridesmaid will resent you for making them look like fugly sluts for eight hours.
10. Monogrammed Favors
Hey! You know what your guests DON’T want or need? ANYTHING with your and your groom’s monogrammed initials on it. Like, wtf am I supposed to do with this? Put it in a place of honor in my home? Hang it on the wall? Look at it longingly and remember your special day? Fuck that. Get your guests something they want, like food, booze, matches (hey, they come in handy), or a coupon for Waffle House when they’re hungover the next day.