In case you missed it, there hasn’t been a snowstorm in New York in at least two weeks which means spring is finally fucking here. Ah, springtime. A time of year that signifies rebirth, hope, and thirsty bitches subtly emailing their boyfriends their ring size and Pinterest password. Which means it’s almost time for me to engage in my favorite pastime: judging the fuck out of people’s engagement photos. I would rank my tolerance for engagement photos somewhere around where I rank my standards for fuckboys on dating apps. So, pretty fucking low. And because I have ESPN or something I can almost immediately tell you the theme of your wedding based off of the manicure you choose to flaunt in your engagement announcement on Instagram.
It’s true that the most important moment of your life is not when your BF proposes to you (sorry, bro), but rather the moment you debut your ring on Instagram. That moment is huge and, whether you realize it or not, the type of manicure you have while showing off your ring speaks VOLUMES about you and your wedding. So because I want to put you in your place I care about you and your wedding, here are 6 manicures that say a fuck ton about your wedding theme, and therefore, basic level:
1. Millennial Pink: Hipster Barn Wedding
I’m not sure when we started referring to pastel pink as “millennial” but I’m almost certain it’s around the same time that hipsters started referring to rustic as “chic.” You already know how we feel about the hipster barn wedding theme, and your nail color is about as original as the mason jars that are sure to be included in your wedding decoration budget. Choosing this color is a safe bet and while your friends won’t be shitting on you in their group chat, they will most certainly be rolling their eyes as they scroll through your feed.
2. Red: Destination Wedding
This person probably thinks they’re fun and spontaneous and the bikini selfies saturating their Instagram feed certainly are proof of that theory. They probably chose this color because Taylor Swift, a personal hero of theirs, is constantly sending subliminal messages singing about this color. It makes them feel bold and empowered and soooo fun. Which is why they are life ruiners and choose a destination wedding to celebrate their union to the poor guy that’s about to spend the rest of his life as his wife’s Instagram photographer.
3. Not Your French Manicure: Vintage Themed Wedding
This is the person in your friend group who is extra AF. They’re always trying to be new and different and edgy when really they’re just grown women wearing body glitter aka Unicorn Snot and calling it fashion. I usually object to 90% of their life choices and sporting a manicure like this ranks right up there with that one time they bought a shirt that said “Bushwick” on it for $40 from Urban Outfitters despite the fact that they live on the north shore of Long Island. They will try and reinvent the wheel aka hipster barn weddings. Instead of rustic chic they’ll use the term “vintage” and refer to themselves as “old souls” in their vows. Lol, K. Like, you forget I’ve seen strange men take shots off your body to a Miley Cyrus song on spring break. You’re fooling no one, Karen.
4. Black Manicure: Black Tie Wedding
A true betch knows that black is the color of her soul and coincidentally every item of clothing in her wardrobe. While some people might doubt black as a bridal color, you know that these people understand nothing about taste and are about to get sat at the shitty reception table with your least liked sorority sister and your fiancé’s weird friend from grade school. Like, of fucking course you’re going to be wearing your favorite color during the most important photo moment of your life. Black is timeless and so will be your wedding. While everyone else is Googling “unique wedding themes” yours will be chic, tasteful, and most importantly, fancy enough to make all of your other married friends jealous. Mazel Tov.
5. Accent Nail—Ridiculous Themed Wedding
TBH I’m not even sure what to say about this. Like, is this you announcing your engagement or a cry for help? I’m assuming that the only reason you would get this extra with your manicure is because you’re trying to hide that fact that you’re about to marry the one night stand that turned into your boyfriend of six years. I’m also assuming that your fiancé is the type of guy that “lets” you carry all of the groceries to the car and still Snaps his ex girlfriend on the side. You’ve really found yourself a winner, Vanessa.
Anyway, the type of person who’s doing this much with her manicure is also the type of person that’s going to piss me off and do some sort of themed wedding. I’m picturing something Disney related—anything to distract their guests from noticing that the groom isn’t captivated by the enchanting room decor but rather is checking out the maid of honor’s cleavage.
6. Rose Gold: Romantic Basic Wedding
This one’s for all my basic bitches out there—you know who you are. I don’t need a crystal ball to determine that your ring is a princess cut and you’ll be rocking a mermaid dress on your big day. Your bridesmaids will all be wearing some form of blush and/or sequined gowns that you swore to them they’d be able to wear again but instead will just taunt them, hanging in their closets as a constant reminder of the day they served you stood by your side. While on the one hand, I’ve seen your wedding done 1,000 times before, I can also appreciate you owning your basicness.
