For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. And for every Taylor Swift tune, there is some sad-ass male celebrity the song is about. Anyone who is even remotely familiar with Taylor’s discography—aka anyone who has ever gone through a traumatic breakup, or turned on the radio for one second—knows Swift’s whole “thing” is putting clues in her songs so you know who she’s lyrically roasting. She used to hide these clues in the liner notes of her CDs, but since CDs are over, we only have her lyrics to rely on when untangling the mystery of who Taylor Swift’s new single “Gorgeous” is about. Luckily for us, subtlety is not Taylor’s strong suit. I mean, her last music video literally started with a gravestone that said “Taylor Swift’s Reputation” on it. If homegirl wants you to know something, she will fucking tell you. And it is armed with that very info that we can say, categorically, that Taylor Swift’s new song is about none other than fully hot ex boyfriend, Tom Hiddleston.
So like, how do we know this? Mainly because she mentions blue eyes like, 100 fucking times, and Tom Hiddleston has—you guessed it—blue eyes. Now please excuse me while I accept the Nobel Prize for sleuthing. Honestly, it’s kind of nice to see Taylor writing about an ex instead of trying to reclaim the narrative of the Kimye fiasco by talking about snakes all the fucking time. Could it be that the Old Taylor is still very much alive? Is she living in a secret Cuban compound with Tupac, popping out posthumous singles until it is safe for her to return to the U.S.? Is this conspiracy theory my new life’s work? Yes. Yes to all.
We only have heard three songs off Reputation so far, and if they’re any indication, this album is going to be less about the guy that most recently broke her heart, and more about every person who has ever fucked with her in the history of the world.
Let’s break it down:
“Look What You Made Me Do” – About the Kimye feud, obviously. Also, being that this song is such a graveyard smash, I have a working theory this song is actually just an homage to “The Monster Mash”, which I think we all can appreciate.
“…Ready For It?” – Fans are divided on whether or not this song is about her new BF Joe Alwyn or her ex Harry Styles. What we can all agree on is that this one is def an Old Taylor style relationship inspired tune, further proving my theory that the Old Taylor is alive and well. #OldTaylorTruther
And now, of course, we have “Gorgeous”, which everyone agrees is about Tom Hiddleston. And if you’re thinking, “Okay, but Taylor Swift has definitely dated other blue eyed people, right?” Sure. But Tom Hiddleston’s eyes are the bluest, and that’s the point.
Anyway, time to update our running list of who every T. Swift song is about. I have a sneaking suspicion I’ll be updating it until the day that I die.