Despite the fact that getting married is literally the point of the show, our least favorite couple in Bachelor history, Nick and Vanessa, aren’t getting married anytime soon. A fact that should come as a surprise to exactly zero people given how much they look like they want to kill each other every time they make a public appearance/every time you rewatch old episodes from the past season.
Yesterday, while backstage at Dancing With The Stars, Us magazine asked Nick if they were planning a wedding. Nick’s response? “No, no… it’s too early for us right now. We’re still just doing a lot of new things together.” I wonder if those “new things” include not being at each other’s throats all the time? One can only hope. Honestly, good for them for trying to spare themselves a lifetime of misery by not rushing into marriage while all signs point to its inevitable demise.
“We’re very open about the fact that we have a long way to go,” Nick said, “and we’re excited about that journey.” Translation: We’re calling this shit off the second Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette starts and our contractual obligations are deemed null and void.
So what’s next for the Bachelor couple? Well, Nick says they’re focused on going back to Montreal to visit Vanessa’s family, which is pretty funny considering the thought of Sunday dinners made him borderline suicidal on The Bachelor. Either way, we probably won’t see a Viall wedding on ABC anytime soon, which, thank fucking god. It’s enough already, although I’m honestly pretty surprised Nick would pass up an opportunity for screen time on his home planet network. So this must mean he’s got something else up his sleeve. A cameo on Scandal, perhaps? Another stint on Paradise? I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Nick shows up as a last-minute contestant on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. And then he comes in second place again. And they let him be the Bachelor again. And, oh god, I’m never going to be rid of Nick Viall, am I?
Anyway, even though I may be on the verge of a mental breakdown over here, and Nick and Vanessa’s relationship may be (is) a sham, we still cannot forget that Ben and Lauren haven’t even set a wedding date yet—an exceedingly bad move considering their 15 mintues of relevance fame were up like, six months ago.
