Meghan Markle’s Family Is Literally Psycho

Meghan Markle’s family tree is more twisted than a CW TV show family’s, and Bart Bass faked his own death so that’s saying something. From backstabbing and tell-all books to an altercation at gunpoint, this family is seriously ready for its prime time miniseries. Luckily, we never leave you in the dark after an especially complicated Bachelor episode, and we would never leave you confused before the royal wedding either. Welcome to our recap of all the Markle family drama, just in time for the only TV event we’re more excited for than the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise.

Dad – Thomas Markle Senior

Like most of you, Meghan has a tense relationship with her dad. Although reports that Meghan and her father were formerly estranged have been contested by the family, Harry has not yet met Thomas Sr., which is a red flag for a father-daughter relationship if I’ve ever seen one. So, the plan was to meet your daughter’s royal fiancé at the wedding? Can’t believe that didn’t go off without a hitch!

Before we dive into the various wedding scandals involving Thomas Markle, let’s start with a little background. Like many betches, Meghan has divorced parents. Thomas and Meghan’s mom Doria Ragland divorced when Meghan was 6 years old, and Thomas now lives in Mexico. He has two children from a prior marriage who, like all royal step-siblings, turn out to be basically evil. More on that in a minute. Throughout Meghan’s childhood Thomas worked in TV including appearances on Married with Children and General Hospital. He actually won a daytime Emmy, so one for you Thomas Markle! You go Thomas Markle!

Thomas Markle has changed his mind on whether he is attending this wedding more times than Trump talking about Stormy Daniels. Kensington Palace initially stated that he would be attending and walking Meghan down the aisle. Soon after, incredibly meme-able paparazzi photos of Thomas prepping for the wedding by working out, googling Meghan and Harry, and reading a photo book about England started surfacing in British tabloids. Because all good things are a lie in 2018, these photos were fake news. Thomas admitted to TMZ that he staged the photos with paparazzi for money. Very mature fatherly behavior.

Feeling guilty about using his daughter’s impending nuptials to make extra cash, Thomas then told TMZ that he would not be attending the wedding in order to avoid embarrassing Meghan further and because he was also dealing with health issues. Like all governments these days, Kensington Palace apparently gets their news via social media and was reportedly “blindsided” by TMZ tweeting this news. Meghan herself was apparently distraught, probably because she would rather not be walked down the aisle by a random elderly duke or whoever, and apparently asked Thomas to come anyway. On Tuesday, he briefly claimed that he would try to come if his doctors would allow it, before reneging yet again and confirming that he would not be attending as he is being treated for a recent heart attack. It’s unclear who will be walking Meghan down the aisle, but the BBC literally thinks it might be her dog. Sounds…ruff. 

Half Sister – Samantha Grant

Samantha has been talking shit about Meghan to the press since Harry and Meghan’s relationship first became public. Apparently, the half sisters have not seen each other since 2008 (despite Samantha’s claims that she “raised Meghan from when she was 12”) and she was not invited to the wedding. But don’t feel too bad for her. Sam will be following in the hallowed family tradition of attempting to profit off Meghan’s life by traveling to London anyway to comment on the wedding for British morning shows.

Samantha’s aggressively rude comments to the press include calling Meghan a “social climber” and criticizing Prince Harry for saying the royals could be the family Meghan did not grow up with. Samantha has also been complaining about Meghan attempting to silence her petty ass. She told TMZ that she would definitely not be shutting up, saying “there’s something in this country called freedom of speech. She doesn’t have the copyright on that.” I don’t think that is how copyright works, but ok. Oh, and she is reportedly writing a tell-all memoir about being Meghan’s sister called The Diary of Princess Pushy’s Sister, which I can only imagine is a shit-talking manifesto.

Also, this bitch claims she was the mastermind behind the Thomas Markle meme-gate. She tweeted that working with the paparazzi to stage photos was her idea. Like most bizarre and unhinged individuals in 2018, Samantha is based in Florida.

Half Brother – Thomas Markle Jr.

Meghan’s other half sibling might be even worse than Samantha, though I honestly feel like I’m being forced to choose my favorite Gossip Girl villain at this point. Thomas is also reportedly somewhat estranged from his half sister, and has not seen her since 2011. The fact that he clearly barely knows her has not stopped him from writing multiple sad, handwritten letters to InTouch talking shit about Meghan.

He literally addressed one letter to Prince Harry, urging him to call off the wedding, writing “it’s not too late,” “Meghan is obviously not the right woman for you,” and “she is acting phony.” In another, he wrote directly to Meghan and begged for an invite, while also claiming he loved her. Sorry, but telling someone’s fiancé they are making the “biggest mistake in royal wedding history” is probably not the best way to get invited to their wedding. Unsurprisingly, Thomas is not invited and will be joining his sister Samantha in London as a morning news commentator.

Thomas is also involved in the only actual criminal drama in this family (yet). He was arrested in 2017 for putting a gun to his girlfriend’s head, only to blame it on his drinking and promise he would get sober. Sorry, but I have blacked out more times than I can count without holding anyone up at gunpoint. It’s not that hard.

To top all this off, Thomas Markle Sr. claims that Jr.’s InTouch letter triggered his heart attack. Honestly, at this point, same.

Random Nephew – Tyler Dooley

Thomas Jr.’s son Tyler seemed to have some delusional idea that he could get invited to the wedding despite his father’s indiscretions, and recently appeared on a British talk show claiming he and his brother might still get an invite. Like all Markle relatives, he too apparently sees Meghan’s life as a business opportunity, and is growing an honorary strain of cannabis for the occasion called “Markle’s Sparkle.” I can’t make this shit up.

Mom – Doria Ragland

I know you probably feel like you needed an Adderall to keep track of all the scandals in this article, but congratulations, you made it to the end! As a reward, I give you one Markle family member that doesn’t seem horrible. Meghan’s mom, Doria Ragland, actually seems incredible. She is a social worker at a nonprofit mental health clinic in Los Angeles, and teaches yoga on the side. Also, she is the only family member who has actually met Prince Harry, and he says she’s amazing.

With three days until the Royal Wedding, anything could happen in this family. For Megan’s sake, I hope she has access to Xanax in Kensington Palace.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

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