If you have an Instagram, you’ve probably heard of the Fyre Festival, a luxury music festival organized by Ja Rule that promised “two transformative weekends” on a luxury island in the Bahamas that was “once owned by Pablo Escobar.” Tickets for the fest ranged anywhere from $4,000 to a $250k VIP package and attendees were promised private beaches, luxury accommodations, gourmet food, and live music from artists including Blink 182, Lil Yachty, and Migos.
Announced via a glam AF Insta video featuring Bella Hadid and Emily Ratajkowski and promoted by celebs like Kendall Jenner, the whole thing was supposed to be Coachella but for rich people. Because Coachella wasn’t all that already.
Only problem is, there was no festival. Maybe there was, at one time, plans to have a festival, but at some point between “announcing a luxury festival on Instagram and starting to take people’s money” and “actually throwing said festival” somebody dropped the ball. Hard. Like, the ball dropped so hard that it exploded into a thousand pieces creating a domino effect of ball droppings and now there are no balls, anywhere, ever, for the rest of time.
Let me explain:
The first wave of Fyre Festival attendees began to arrive on Thursday, and rather than arriving onto their own private molly island as promised, they arrived in what appears to be a FEMA Camp, with accommodations that are more “Syrian Refugee” than “Pablo Escobar.”
For “luxury accommodations” Fyre Fest attendees, who may or may not have paid over $12,000 for their ticket, arrived to this:
This is how Fyre Fest handles luggage. Just drop it out of a shipping container. At night. With no lights. #fyrefestival pic.twitter.com/X5CdZRyJWo
— William N. Finley IV (@WNFIV) April 28, 2017
Expectation Vs. Reality #fyrefestival pic.twitter.com/RfOpbNEdH3
— BigKidProblems (@BigKidProblems) April 28, 2017
Stuck at #fyrefestival trying to leave for the last 8 hours. barley any food or water or security or electricity pic.twitter.com/jHPMnJw5gx
— Lamaan (@LamaanGallal) April 28, 2017
And, as far as gourmet food options go, the spread was a little more Duane Reade than Gordon Ramsey:
The dinner that @fyrefestival promised us was catered by Steven Starr is literally bread, cheese, and salad with dressing. #fyrefestival pic.twitter.com/I8d0UlSNbd
— Tr3vor (@trev4president) April 28, 2017
A view of the luxury food court with some luxury school bus transportation at Fyre Festival. #fyre #fyrefestival pic.twitter.com/XL3PtRw8q0
— William N. Finley IV (@WNFIV) April 28, 2017
Oh, and the five star lineup? Well, like the concierge’s desk, they didn’t end up coming together:
This sums up Fyre Festival. #fyre #fyrefestival #fyrefest pic.twitter.com/x4xcFBL8Yg
— William N. Finley IV (@WNFIV) April 28, 2017
So like…how tf did this happen? Was this all a ploy by Ja Rule now that his “Mezmerize” money finally ran out? Are rich white kids on Instagram just that stupid? (Yes.)
Honestly it’s unclear, but what is clear is that I am living for the play by play as those who fell for the festival fraud do everything they can to get off the island. Literally just read these subject lines:
@NearFutureEvent @mr_bones_rises These were the top 5 posts on the #fyrefestival subreddit a moment ago. pic.twitter.com/FrsEBfPqOq
— Rich Powell (@RichPowell_NRx) April 28, 2017
Hmm.. what is the deal with all these feral dogs? Honestly you almost feel bad for these people until you remember they spent $12k on a party they heard about on Kendall Jenner’s Instagram. Remember what your high school librarian always said? Check your fucking sources, kiddos.
Shit has gotten so bad at this point that the Bahamas Ministry of Tourism had to make a statement, basically saying the whole thing is Ja Rule’s fault:
“We are extremely disappointed in the way the events unfolded yesterday with the Fyre Festival. We offer a heartfelt apology to all who traveled to our country for this event. Tourism is our number one industry and it is our aim to deliver world-class experiences and events. Hundreds of visitors to Exuma were met with total disorganization and chaos. The organizers of Fyre recently asked the Ministry of Tourism for support for their private event. The Ministry of Tourism is not an official sponsor of Fyre Festival. Given the magnitude of this undertaking, the MOT lent its support as we do with all international events. We offered advice and assisted with communications with other government agencies. The event organizers assured us that all measures were taken to ensure a safe and successful event but clearly they did not have the capacity to execute an event of this scale. A team of Ministry of Tourism representatives is on the island to assist with the organization of a safe return of all Fyre Festival visitors. It is our hope that the Fyre Festival visitors would consider returning to the Islands Of The Bahamas in the future to truly experience all of our beauty.”
Damn. You know shit is fucked up when The Bahamian government has to get involved. Festivalgoers are now facing massive delays as they try to escape Ja Rule’s hell island, while the Fyre Festival official Twitter had this to say:
We’re currently working through the unexpected start to #FyreFestival. Thank u for bearing with us as we attempt to accommodate guest needs
— Fyre Festival (@fyrefestival) April 28, 2017
Unexpected start? You mean no start because there literally was not a festival of any kind. We’ve got influencers living in Lord of The Flies and Fyre Festival is out here acting like someone forgot to respond to a few emails.
Due to unforeseen and extenuating circumstances, Fyre Festival has been fully postponed (con’t)
— Fyre Festival (@fyrefestival) April 28, 2017
After assessing the situation this morning and looking at best options for our guests, we cannot move forward as we hoped we could (con’t)
— Fyre Festival (@fyrefestival) April 28, 2017
At this time, we are working tirelessly to get flights scheduled and get all travelers home safely
— Fyre Festival (@fyrefestival) April 28, 2017
Um yeah, if your festival ends with you “trying to get everyone home safely,” that’s a fucking problem. Also, “unforseen circumstances?” Really? Ya’ll didn’t forsee that if you failed to plan any festival of any kind that there would be an issue? The problem isn’t that the festival didn’t meet expectations. The problem is that there was no fucking festival in the first place and you sent a bunch of people to a Bahamian death camp with no food or water.
So I know what you’re thinking (apart from “holy fuck this is the most incredible story I’ve ever heard”), where’s Ja Rule? Surely he must be able to provide some insight into why the festival he’s been promoting for months was not, in fact, a festival of any kind.
Well, here’s the thing. Ja Rule is missing. I mean, not missing like call the police missing, but missing in that he hasn’t said shit about any of this. Radio silence. Anybody else feel like Ja Rule is halfway around the world with a fake passport, wig, and suitcase full of 18-year-old influencers’ hard earned brand money? How the fuck did this happen? Is Ja Rule a criminal mastermind?
Unclear. I think the only thing that is clear is what we’ve known all along: do not trust anything you see on Instagram.
