What Your Birth Control Choice Says About You

As a girl of the 21st century, you are probably aware of the many birth control options available to keep you gettin’ busy without making a baby in the process. Like all women, each birth control option is its own special snowflake and reveals valuable information about the betch who chose it. So what does your birth control say about you? Let’s see!

The Pill

You are a betch who likes to be on a schedule. You probably have a multi-colored, multi-tabbed planner full of stickers letting you know exactly where you need to be and when (as a backup to the meticulously kept calendar that is already on your phone.) You take comfort in the rituals of life—Bachelor in Paradise on Monday and Tuesday, brunch on Sunday, and your pill, every day, with lunch. These routines help keep you grounded, which is why you’re the one in your friend group who your other besties can count on when they need to text “Wait, when is Becca’s wedding again?” You may not be the most likely friend for seat-of-your pants adventures, but you’re not pregnant so there’s always that.

Condoms

For the down-to-earth, grounded betch who wants to leave her body (and her hormones) as is. You go with the flow (seriously, your period is nuts) and your besties love you for it. You can probably be found at your weekly Ashtanga class, praying to mother Gaia and connecting spiritually with your pelvic wall. Your organic vegan gluten free paleo diet may earn you some jealous side-eyeing from your besties, but that’s only because they know your healthy AF lifestyle means you’ll live long enough to get drunk at all of their funerals.
Condom

The IUD

You are a strong motherfucker who does not fuck around. You got your IUD because it was the most practical, long lasting, and tested method available and you ain’t afraid to have a doctor shove some metal and/or plastic contraption in your vag. You are the friend who is always down to help another friend move, and will actually be like, helpful in the process. You take hardcore fitness classes like CrossFit and Rumble and are the bestie that everybody knows not to fuck with. When you do decide to have a child they’ll be one of those kids who is like “Sorry I can’t come out, my mom is super intense.” Though thanks to your IUD, that won’t be a for a long, long time.

The Nuva Ring

You are a sexy, modern woman who’s not afraid to touch the inside of her vagina if it means reliable birth control. You’re the friend about whom guys are always asking, “Who is that?” and you probably have your fair share of vibrators and other goodies in your bedside table. You are basically a walking, talking Cosmo magazine worth of sex advice, and your besties thank you for it. Any guy who can’t give you what you want cant hit the damn road, and you teach your friends to do the same. Just don’t let your kids catch you in the act when you finally do settle down.
Bobs Burgers

Implanon (That Thing They Implant Into Your Arm)

You are a cyborg betch from the future! You are always up on the latest gadgets and have had wireless headphones for ages now. You are fully tuned in to all things tech, and can’t wait for the day when we hit the singularity and all upload our consciousness onto the cloud. When your besties are having issues with their phone or computer, you’re the first person they talk to before heading to the Apple store. You probably have a very busy and serious real girl job and will eventually settle down with an equally tech savvy partner when you sell all your cryptocurrency. Here’s to your future robot children!

The Female Condom

Honestly girl, I have no idea what goes through your mind but God bless.

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