What Birth Control Are The Kardashians On? An Investigation

Just once, I’d like to go 12 fucking hours without having my mind blown by another Kardashian pregnancy announcement. I was just wrapping my head around the fact that Kylie is kind of a teen mom now, when Khloé comes out with her own pregnancy announcement. That makes not one, not two, but THREE Kardashian babies in 2018, if you count Kim and her surrogate situation. I. Am. Shook. I, mean, WHERE IS YOUR BIRTH CONTROL, LADIES?? It’s like they don’t realize that their livelihoods depend entirely on how good they look? Idk. Also, wtf is Kris Jenner thinking? Because I don’t for one fucking second believe that these pregnancies were not orchestrated in an attempt to combat shitty Keeping Up ratings. Let’s be real here, Kris has had all of her children on some form of birth control since they hit puberty and she could start exploiting their bodies to the media career-coaching them. She’s not stupid, she knows pregnancy doesn’t pay the bills, semi-nude photo shoots do. Fucking duh.

So if she is letting her daughters run rampant with their vaginas then it’s got to be for some sort of strategic reason. That said, I can also see these girls going rogue, if only to test how well Kris can spin a pregnancy. And if they are testing the limits of Kris’s contract with the devil PR powers, then they’ve totally all made some sort of pregnancy pact and trashed all of their birth control. So let’s explore what kind of birth control method each member of the Kardashian Klan are actively not using rn. My parents would be so proud of how I’m using my college degree.

Kendall: The Pill

I get a sense that Kendall is boring AF methodical, and therefore needs the most average a more precise birth control to fit her personality. Plus Kendall is the only Kardashian with enough brain cells to realize that she would be nothing without her body. As the third highest paid model in the world, she knows that there’s no way in hell she can afford to get pregnant by some rich European dude she only fucked around with for two weeks because she wanted to use his yacht in Cannes. Smart girl.

Kylie: Pull & Prayer

I don’t for one second believe this girl wasn’t letting Travis Scott raw dog her on her daily basis. Since I’m pretty sure Kris Jenner had to bribe Ryan Seacrest into finagling Kylie a GED, I’m thinking she missed the part of Sex Ed where they taught her important shit, like how the pull-out method absolutely does work. Or honestly, knowing Kylie (which I do on a very close personal basis), she probably read about the Rhythm Method in some ironic Tumblr post and thought it was when you listen to rap while having sex and thought she was covered. If this is the year of realizing stuff then I’m hoping she’ll realize where babies come from.

Kourtney: Female Condoms

Kourtney’s a tough one for me to make wild assumptions about her sex life figure out her birth control methods. On the one hand, with Scott it was probably easy AF to control when and how she got pregnant. Most of the time I’m sure he was so drunk he couldn’t get it up, and the other half of the time she probably just had to sit on his prone body to impregnate herself. On the other hand, I feel like she has to be more careful now that she’s dating someone young enough for her to babysit a Brazilian model. I feel like Kourtney is into some weird shit when it comes to personal hygiene and stuff she puts in her body. I mean, remember that one time she stopped wearing deodorant because she was convinced Dove was trying to poison her with their “shower fresh” scent? Or the time she wanted to eat Reign’s placenta for its healing powers? Yeah, this bitch isn’t on your average birth control, that’s for fucking sure. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s into like, female condoms or like, birth control sponges or some shit. Something that’s annoying AF to use and only works half the time because at the end of the day she’s obsessed with getting pregnant regardless of whose sperm is involved.

Khloé: The Garbage Condom Method

Word on the street gossip columns that I religiously follow is that Khloé has been trying for-fucking-ever to have a child. If that’s the case then I’m still about to shit on her good fortune genuinely happy for Khloé. If I had to guess, I’d say her method of birth control involves a condom, which she snags from the garbage can 2.5 seconds after the dude leaves, takes to her fertility doctors, has scrambled in with her eggs and then implants into her uterus. Congrats on trapping a decent man the new baby, Khlo!

Kim: The IUD

If Kim’s Instagram account is any indication, this bitch is never trying to get pregnant ever again. Especially not when she knows she can just pay someone to carry a human life for her. Because nothing says “I hate getting fat pregnancy” like vacation candids of her with her entire ass on display while Offred her surrogate is quarantined for the next nine months in a windowless room (I assume) growing Kimye’s spawn. Nah, Kim is ALL about the IUD. She knows she’s nothing without her hot bod and army of skanks Instagram followers and letting childbirth get in the way of that is, like, soooo 2016.

^^Actual footage of Kim proposing the idea of a third child to Kanye

Ryanne Probst
Ryanne Probst
Ryanne wants you to know that her name is pronounced “Ryan” and that this is her childhood trauma. Formerly published as “It’s Britney, Betch” she’s the resident recapper for all things ‘Bachelor.' When she’s not talking sh*t, she’s drinking $8 wine and contemplating ways to burn ABC studios down to the ground. Catch her on Instagram (@ryprobst) where she’s either posting pictures of her dog or sliding into the DMs of former reality TV dating stars (you know who you are).