Well fam, it’s been a long fucking summer of watching Rachel, a beautiful, smart, career-driven woman with eyelash extensions settle for a man with fake cheeks get engaged to Bryan. We were rooting for you, Rachel! We were all rooting for you! But now that Rachel has found love someone to exploit her for Instagram likes, we can move on to my favorite part of the summer: Bachelor in Paradise. I realize I need better hobbies. Whatever, know yourself. There’s really nothing that brings me more happiness than watching beautiful people get fucked up off of Pinot Grigio and grope each other on a Mexican beach. Literally nothing. And for a minute there it looked like my happiness was about to be stolen from me BiP wasn’t going to happen. *shudders* Thank god ABC feels about as much shame as Kris Jenner with one of her children’s sex tapes because Bachelor in Paradise is finally here—and so are the glow-ups. Let’s face it, even though I live for watching these losers spread STDs in Mexico, I also can’t deny that I love a good Bachelor makeover, and this summer there are many. It could be the wine talking or the fact that the only way I know how to process my emotions is through an extreme amount of shit-talking, but either way I have some shit to say about these makeovers. So let’s get started, shall we?
5. Lacey
Tbh I completely forgot this girl even existed, and her descriptor as “camel girl” didn’t really help me much. Apparently Lacey was on Nick’s season (??) and the only reason I know that is because I went and looked back at our recaps. Way to leave your imprint on the world, Lacey! For those of you who were too drunk to remember (Hi), Lacey was the Gretchen Wieners to Corinne’s Regina George. I guess it’s hard to be a star when your friend is constantly fornicating in bouncy houses and getting frisky with a whipped cream can. It’s v hard for a hype girl these days. Aside from being about as memorable as a finance bro on Bumble, Lacey also ditched her blonde locks and showed up to Paradise looking like Lizzie McGuire disguised as an Italian pop star.
Tell me she didn’t show this picture to her stylist. TELL ME. If Lizzie Lacey starts faking an accent like Kristina to stay relevant all my theories will be proven. Between the heavy use of black eyeliner and the brunette wig (I stand by this rumor I’m starting), I can only assume Lacey was hoping to distance herself from Corinne and become less of sidekick and more of a star like someone willing to show their boobs on national television. It’s a bold move, Lacey, but not as bold as showing Paolo up at his Italian concert, so last place for you.
4. Raven
I know what a lot of you are thinking: “Doesn’t Raven look the exact same as she did when she was on Nick’s season?” And you would be very fucking wrong. Sure, the overly orange skin and her shitty black hair extensions are the same (for shame, Raven, for shame), but there’s just something different about her and I can’t…quite…put my finger on it…
Andddd there it is. A breakup boob job, Raven? Really? I mean there’s no actual proof of said boob job other than my sneaking suspicion that her boobs DID NOT look like that when she was trying to win over someone with a fondness for sexless turtlenecks Nick, but still. I expected more about the same from a girl who threatened her ex with a shoe and relied on a man with a heavy lisp and who was the face of Sugar Bear Hair to give her her first orgasm. Whatever. Live your truth, Raven. I’ll just be here, silently praying that you beat Robbie to death with a shoe at some point.
3. Taylor
Ah, my favorite mental health therapist, finding her emotional intelligence down the back of Derek’s throat. Even though I hate Taylor like the girl in my sorority who told me hanging out with the lesser frats didn’t count as charity work (bitch) she does look v v good this season. She came to Paradise rocking the natural curls look, and I am here for it. I’m sure she’ll attribute this transformation to Derek and his love, in which case I will vomit in my mouth a little and go back to despising her, but for now I’m here for the look. Though if she knows what’s good for her she’ll leave her 7th grade hair styling skills and shirt collection at home, along with all of her uncalled for judgement.
2. Danielle M
Danielle M actually got a boob job. I’m not just making shit up to hear myself talk speculating here, it’s fact. And like, good for her. She really needed something to make her more interesting. Honestly, I have to really squint to see a difference here at all, but if she thinks a boob job will make her more attractive to men and give her a leg up over girls like Alexis and Corinne who actually have a personality then she’s probably right because that’s the world we live in. Four for you, Danielle M, you go Danielle M.
1. Kristina
I didn’t love Kristina on Nick’s season and I really didn’t expect much out of her on Paradise. I mean, I know she had a shitty childhood and escaped communist Russia and everything, but like, she still has the personality of low-fat yogurt. Sure, I might be a little jealous because my boyfriend Dean is super into her and her emotional baggage, but also, she just fucking sucks. Whatever, at least she came to Paradise with a fire new hair color. Honestly, she looks amaze. I can’t even hate. *whispers “you lucky bitch” under breath*
Like, whoever her stylist was just worked a Bachelor miracle on this girl. She went from “little orphan Annie” to “DM me for collabs” and she knows it too. Whatever. Fingers crossed the new hair color makes her a hot commodity in Paradise. I can only hope that Dean comes back emotionally devastated and I’ll have him right where I want him I can slide into his DMs. A girl can dream.
