I’m, like, barely alive from this weekend and trying to combat my raging hangover with wine and Thai food but, like, it’s Monday so I’ll turn up for The Bachelorette regardless. I’m sure my hangover won’t at all influence this review in any way. Surely. Anyway, this week we find out who Rachel is taking to Hometowns. She’s torn between four guys who she’s been regularly making out with for the past five episodes and two nobodies production snuck in at the last minute. I’m sure it’ll be a real Sophie’s Choice for her.
The episode opens with Rachel wandering around Denmark and all I can think is thank god Rachel is doing better with her outfits this week. Someone’s been reading my tweets.
The guys are acting like they’ve never seen anything better in this life than Geneva, Switzerland, but I can name a other few places I’d rather get dumped on national television in. Like, somewhere where there’s tequila around every corner. Just saying.
Also, Eric just referred to Rachel as “Big Rach” because apparently that’s a thing now? If the boy I was seeing while also making out with 5 of his closest production-enforced friends referred to me as “big” in any way shape or form I would literally set him and everything he loves on fire. *checks Hinge for matches*
Wait I take back my earlier statement regarding her outfit choices. Digging the white but I’m feeling personally victimized by those accessories rn. Like, did she get that necklace from the clearance section of Claire’s? RACHEL, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. Well, not so much talked about it as anonymously shit on her outfit choices on the internet but, like, I was emotionally invested in that conversation either way.
Okay, who tf are some of these guys. Like, Matt The Recreational Sales Rep I’ve never seen you before in my damn life.
Surprise, surprise there’s no rose ceremony this week. Instead there’s going to be three one-on-one dates and a pity group date for the last three remaining losers. Riveting. I am PISSED there won’t be a rose ceremony though. I mean, why follow protocol? Who needs structure in their lives, hmm? No worries, ABC, me and my bracket are just a hot damn mess over here but you just keep doing you.
^^Me trying to figure out wtf no rose ceremony means for my bracket.
One-On-One Date With Bryan
Bryan gets the first one-on-one date and honestly I’m already bored. Bryan’s got the personality of wet paint and the makeout skills of an anaconda swallowing a baby animal whole.
It’s hard to tell which of these is actual footage of Bryan and Rachel making out, isn’t it?
Rachel’s goes full-on Corinne and for her date with Bryan and lets him drive a Bentley and buys him shit to make him love her. It’s like Hugh Hefner only Bryan didn’t have to give her a blow job first. I fully support this strategy.
Though I don’t for one fucking second believe Rachel bought him that watch. Did ABC cut Rachel’s stylist from the budget to pay for these fugly watches? Chris Harrison, I have some words for you.
RACHEL: This one’s on me. Treat yourself, babe.
BRYAN: So blessed. So moved. So grateful. Can’t believe this is my life. Never going to take it for granted. Always going to give back. Thank you.
Bryan shows his
appreciation for material possessions love for Rachel by promptly sticking his tongue down her throat. And they say romance is dead, people. Though not panning the camera to the jeweler as he attempts to wrap up this sale during their makeout session feels like a missed opportunity on ABC’s part. For shame.
The date wraps up with a romantic 100-percent-staged dinner and Bryan is just like “I feel like you have so much to give, Rach.” I think perhaps he’s still talking about the watches.
They’re diving into Bryan’s childhood and Rachel is like “were you a bad boy?” and then Bryan asks about Rachel’s school girl outfit? Wtf am I watching right now? The
soft core porn Fantasy Suite isn’t supposed to be for two more episodes!
RACHEL TO BRYAN RN:
Bryan keeps talking about his childhood and admits that he might have some mommy issues. Oh, really? A 37-year-old on a reality dating show has mommy issues? Shocking.
Rachel gives Bryan the rose and romantic music plays in the background as Bryan
swallows Rachel’s face like a boa constrictor makes out with her.
BRYAN: *swallows Rachel’s entire face*
RACHEL: It’s like a fairy tale
One-On-One Date With Dean
Dean aka the man I will one day marry is like a Disney Prince come to life. Seriously, the rest of this episode could be him walking up and down that cobblestone street and I would not be mad about it.
Wait Rachel’s date for him is to take him to church? Lameee. Rachel, you have a young Jesse McCartney at your disposal and you want to share him with Jesus and half the Catholics in France?? I will never understand you.
Dean is looking moody AF this episode and I am into it.
DEAN: I have emotional baggage and I feel like I don’t want to commit to bringing her home to meet my family.
Seriously, this date seems horrible. First she forces him to wake up early and go to church and now she wants to talk about his feelings? She does want him to propose by the end of this, right? That’s the goal?
And Dean looks like he would rather peel his skin off with a dull knife than talk about his feelings. We’re so compatible.
Rachel takes Dean to dinner and she won’t fucking let the feelings thing go. It’s like she wants him to have an emotional breakdown at the dinner table. Like, Rachel, this boy is 25 years old and has probably been using Tinder and/or Bumble for years. With the shit he’s seen on there it’s going to take more than your poking and prodding for him to share his feelings with you. Get with the times.
So Dean has daddy issues. Hmm I’m sensing a theme here that maybe reality TV stars have unresolved issues with their parents?
Rachel gives Dean a rose and I guess I’ll spend one more week
waiting in the wings trying not to slide into his DMs. My restraint is unparalleled.
One-On-One Date With Peter
To absolutely no one’s surprise, Peter gets the last one-on-one date. I don’t know what I love more about this date, Peter or that chunky cable-knit sweater he’s wearing. Damn that boy is fine.
Peter and Rachel go on a gorgeous helicopter tour of Switzerland and then an adorable dog sledding adventure. Dean really pulled the short straw this week with dates.
Okay Peter and Rachel are so cute. Idk what it is about the two of them but maybe…
Meanwhile, back at the hotel a random person I have never seen before and Eric talk shit about Peter while he’s on the date. It’s cute that these rejects think they stand a chance.
Okay, back to this date. Peter and Rachel appear to be stranded in a blizzard? Where are the dogs? And the musher? Is no one else concerned here?
Peter bares all his insecurities amidst a
blizzard choreographed snow outing and Rachel practically jizzes in her pants when she hears about all of his emotional insecurities these past few weeks. Is it just me or does she seem a little too excited when people bring up their emotional baggage?
RACHEL: Tell me, do your parents hate black people?
PETER: No, but I’ve never dated a black… one before
Smooth, Peter. Real smooth.
Wait… did Peter just say he might not propose? Has he watched this show before? It’s a bold move, Cotton, but I have a feeling he might have just made a major fucking error. Unless you have a famous brother back home *cough* Jordan Rodgers *cough* you can’t get away with this shit.
That being said, Rachel practically got fingered in that pool last episode by Peter so she definitely chooses him, right? Anddd Rachel gives him a rose because
true love dry humping in chlorinated bath water always wins in the end.
The 3-On-1 Date
Ah, the 3-on-1 date where Rachel takes a puppeteer, a personal trainer, and a sales rep on a date to France, which feels like it should be a joke but it’s actually just ABC wasting my time. *pours another glass of wine*
A person I’ve never seen before ADAM: I have the strongest relationship in the house.
WHO ARE YOU THOUGH??
Is it just me or is this a little painful? Honestly, just watching these losers vie for Rachel’s attention is making me more uncomfortable than my boss’s live tweets of the episode.
Eric and Rachel venture off together to drink Champagne and it’s obvious to everyone that Rachel is going to pick him. If only to see what kind of metrosexual scarf he wears next.
I like Eric but he’s freaking me out rn with that eye contact. It’s v aggressive. Like, can’t a girl just drink Champagne and casually make out with you? Why do you have to make it weird by staring at her like you want to put her in time out? Though, on second thought, Rachel might be into that.
The man who dressed up as a penguin on night one is somehow still here and I can’t recall his name to save my life. He’s trying to bare his soul to Rachel and she’s looking at him like I look at my barista when he fucks up my coffee order.
RACHEL: If I met you outside of The Bachelor I probs would have married you because we’re v compatible but, like, you’re just not as hot as the others.
THE ADULT PENGUIN MATT: *clutches Champagne glass* I’ll just take this with me.
I am Matt. Matt is me.
Rachel has one more rose to give out but she hasn’t really spent any time with the Adam The Puppeteer (is that his name? Can someone plz confirm?) so it’s obviously Eric who gets the rose, right?
ADAM: So the last time we spoke was when again?
I’d love to know the answer to that one as well, Adam.
I can’t even really focus on this conversation because Rachel’s eye makeup is assaulting to my eyes. Did she get those eyelash extensions from the Dollar Tree? Seriously concerned that shit is 3.5 seconds away from falling into her Champagne.
Eric has more childhood drama than an episode of Degrassi and Rachel is eating this shit up.
Is it wrong that I want Eric to continue on because 50% I’m obsessed his scarf game and 50% I want to meet his crazy family? I’ll evaluate this aspect of my personality at a later date. Perhaps next week on Eric’s hometown.
Doll Boy looks genuinely shocked that Rachel chose Eric over him, but I just learned his name this episode so he can’t be that surprised. Tbh it’s amazing you made it this far. You won’t be missed.
So, in conclusion, Eric, Peter, Dean, and Bryan are off to Hometowns and I’m off to finish this bottle of wine. We’re all where we’re supposed to be, I think. TTYL.