The Best 'Bachelor' Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 4

Catch up on last week’s Bachelor recap here!

Well betches, we’re back for yet another week of The Bachelor, and I can’t wait to be let down again by Arie’s taste in women. So this will be the episode where we finally learn Bekah M’s age. I know this because the episode starts with the all the girls in the house speculating as to whether Bekah M is mature enough to get married. They say this as they watch her dive for rings in the pool. Is there even any need to have this discussion, ladies?

Wait, so is Bekah 22? Is this a known fact? Because I have yet to see her drink an alcoholic beverage, and I’m not unconvinced that she didn’t use her fake ID to get on this show. Seriously. ABC, I need to see a birth certificate ASAP. Thx.

This week the girls are headed to Lake Tahoe and they are fucking jazzed about it. Things I know about Lake Tahoe: it’s gorgeous. Things I don’t know about Lake Tahoe: how these bitches will survive without cell service.

The One-On-One Date

Arie chooses Seinne for the one-on-one date, and I can’t wait to watch him try and fail to verbally keep up with Little Miss Yale Graduate.

Did Arie just start off the date by asking if she has enough warm clothes for the day? Arie, I know you’re 36, but that’s no excuse to act like you’re a concerned grandpa. This girl went to Yale, playing to her nonexistent daddy issues won’t work here!

Arie takes Seinne parasailing and it’s about the least masculine thing I’ve seen him do yet. He seems genuinely terrified of being airborne and it’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to remember that he is, in fact, on this show to get laid find love. Oh wait… he just brought out the champagne picnic. I stand corrected—this is the least masculine thing I’ve seen him do all season. You make it harder every week, Arie. Every. Damn. Week.

I love how Seinne is asking him all of these personal questions about his family and his life and Arie can only respond with monosyllabic words. ARIE. YOU ARE TRASH.

Back at the cabin, Maquel gets a phone call that her grandpa just died (which is horrible), but also is she, like, gone for good now? How does this work? Does a family death get you an automatic free pass for one rose ceremony? These are the questions I have.

Also, you can totally tell that every girl in this room is literally giddy at the prospect of a dead grandpa if it means they have one less girl to compete for a rose with this week. So sweet.

Okay, back to the one-on-one date. Did Arie take a fucking Yale graduate to the Hard Rock Cafe? Did he?? Did they also dine on Java Lava Burgers and then buy T-shirts after? Because that’s what my family did when we dined there after my middle school swim meets. SEINNE, HONEY, DUMP HIS ASS.

The Group Date

This group date is legit my worst fucking nightmare. Fresh air, Arie, hiking, the prospect of finding true love. Yeah, if I were one of these ladies I’d be looking for the nearest cliff to fling myself off of.

^^An actual image from this week’s episode and also something I whisper to myself as I pound wine at the end of every work day. 

Wait, so this is a survival date? The guides keep talking about how there will be challenges in relationships just like there are challenges in climbing a mountain, which seems like a bit of a fucking stretch to me, but okay. Like, can drinking your own urine to stay hydrated during a hike really be compared to having to define the relationship with your latest Hinge date? Actually, wait. That feels pretty accurate. Go on.

So Arie just pretended to drink his own pee to get girls to like him. I knew a guy like this in high school but that tactic didn’t get him laid so much as mandatory therapy sessions, but ya know, to each their own.

Okay, I never thought I’d ever relate to Krystal but she’s speaking a lot of truths this episode. Everything that’s coming out of her mouth I agree with. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!

GIRLS ON THE GROUP DATE: 

KRYSTAL:

They cut to the cocktail party at the end of the date, which I’m sure will be 30 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back, but go on.

Lauren B, who has the personality of fat-free yogurt, pulls Arie aside to ask him about what he wants in a girl. I’m hoping he says a personality, but he does seem genuinely interested in Lauren B, a girl who stands out about as much as hay in a haystack, so it’s not looking good for that.

Arie keeps saying how he wants an independent woman, which is confusing because he’s literally eliminated every girl over the age of 30. Like, do you want an independent woman or one who still relies on her parents to pay her cell phone bill? Because the latter is who’s showing up to your rose ceremony tonight.

Okay, Arie needs to run for his fucking life with this Kendall girl. Also, slightly terrified that the TSA let a girl with a stuffed dead animal onto a plane, but when I’m one milliliter over with my self-tanner, they throw the whole goddamn thing out.

Anddd I’m back to hating Krystal again. Listening to her try to use her baby prostitute voice to manipulate Arie is making me want to take an entire bottle of chardonnay to the face. I love how he can barely keep his eyes open while she’s bitching about having to be nice to other girls in the house.

KRYSTAL: I’m just feeling so attacked rn, ya know?

ARIE:

Some other shit happens but, not gonna lie, I had to break open another bottle of wine in order to listen to one more second of Krystal’s voice so I def missed, like, the last 10 minutes of this group date. Sorry fam. It was a life or death situation. All you need to know is that Tia got the rose and I’ve moved on to taking wine shots every time Krystal drags out a syllable for longer than three seconds.

One-On-One Date #2

I’m three seconds into watching Bekah K’s one-on-one date and I already feel like I want to call the police. Is Arie taking her horseback riding? I’m sorry, but is he her date or a father trying to win over his daughter during a nasty divorce? I’m v confused by the vibe here.

Lol listening to Jacqueline say she has way more life experience at 25 than 22-year-old Bekah is killing me. She keeps talking about how she “sees herself” in Bekah, and it’s like, of course you do because she’s practically the same age as you! On my 25th birthday I lost all of my belongings, cried in a club bathroom, and fell asleep in bed eating mac ‘n cheese. You’re not better than me, Jackie!

Ugh. I will say that Arie and Bekah do seem like they actually have chemistry. Though watching them make out has me wanting to report this as an especially heinous crime to the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies.

ARIE: I just want to know all of you.

ME:

Jesus Christ. Arie is acting so fucking awkward during the dinner portion of this date. He’s keeps saying shit like “I want us to be honest with each other” which is clearly him laying the groundwork for broaching the topic of her age. He also keeps talking about how early his bedtime is and how he needs to take Viagra to get it up what stage he’s at in his life right now. Way to be subtle, Arie.

I can’t decide what’s more painful to watch: Arie trying to confront Bekah about her age, or Arie making out with Bekah with two fingers placed precariously through her hoop earrings:

Yeah. It’s really hard to say.

JESUS. JUST ASK HER HOW OLD SHE IS ALREADY.  An actual transcript from Arie trying to ask Bekah M her age:

ARIE: I’m, ya know, ready for marriage, ya know? So, ya know, I just want my values, ya know, to be similar to yours, ya know?

Arie, if you say “ya know” one more time I’m going to be v drunk because I also just turned this into a drinking game to make this conversation bearable. Like, is he having some sort of fit? What am I watching rn?

So… she is 22. But, like, by how many days? One? Two? A week? These tears Arie’s crying as she tells him her age are def tears of relief that she’s actually legal.

Arie keeps acting like he’s not going to give Bekah that rose. He’s like “I’m worried you aren’t ready for marriage” because OF COURSE SHE’S NOT. She’s 22 years old. When I was 22 I was still drunk crying at bars and the most stable relationship I had in my life was with the delivery guy from Domino’s. Please.

Here’s my thing: Arie is acting all shocked and betrayed that Bekah M is the same age as a Disney star, but really, how is liking a 22-year-old any less disturbing than these 25-year-olds he’s been keeping on here? He’s still 11 years older than those hoes. Like, if you were really looking for a wife you wouldn’t have eliminated every woman who was born in the same decade as you. Gtfo.

The Rose Ceremony

Surprise, bitches, there is no cocktail party this week. The look of panic on these girls’ faces right now is akin to the panic I feel when someone says “good morning” and I reply with “thank you.”

OH SHIT. Did Krystal just ask to grab him for a second? DURING THE ROSE CEREMONY?? Damn, that girl is ballsy. If Arie doesn’t cut her tonight, one of these girls certainly will.

Lol I love how the second she pulls him aside all these bitches take a seat on the floor like they know they’ll be there for a while.

Final rose count: Caroline and Brittany are out, which sucks because those two actually had personalities. I’m starting to see a pattern here.

Okay, why this glam-shaming bit didn’t make it into the actual episode is beyond me because this is pure fucking gold right here. Also, this is the most I’ve heard Marikh say in four episodes and it’s just her defending her right to glam like its her right to do what she wants with her reproductive organs. I realize now why production has kept you under wraps, honey.

Alright I’m drunk outtie, y’all. Until next time, betches!

Images: ABC