The Best ‘Bachelor’ Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1

Well, fam, we made it to 2018 and also another season of The Bachelor. And by “made it,” I mean I only just stopped vomiting champagne, like, two hours ago and I’m still wearing my makeup from last night. So blessed. So moved. So grateful. Can’t believe this is my life. The fact that ABC and Chris Harrison are forcing me to watch this shit on New Year’s Day, a day when I’m at my most vulnerable emotionally and physically due to my actions from the night before, is cruel and unusual punishment. So, yeah, this recap should be a lot of fun for you guys! Anyway, can’t wait to tune in and see the poor man’s Peter try and find an Instagram endorsement deal love. Yay.

Omg, guys, did you know Arie drove race cars?? I guess they have to keep repeating that little fact about him since 75 percent of the girls on this show were in diapers the last time Arie was on national television, and Bekah hadn’t even been conceived by Peter Pan and Tinkerbell yet.

Arie Luyendyk Jr

I love that they tried to use Samuel to make Arie seem more sexually appealing. Cute babies won’t make me forget that Arie’s spent the last five years banging barely legal coeds (allegedly). It won’t fucking work, ABC.

Jesus Christ. I think my hangover will pass before I actually get to see anything happen this episode. It’s like ABC doesn’t realize I have hard plans after this to lie in a dark room in the fetal position. Fucking rude.

Lol I totally forgot about Arie’s sad handwritten book journal he gave to Emily.

ARIE: I flew to Charlotte and left you my heart in this book.

EMILY: I just don’t… read though?

We now transition to the part of the episode where production visits a select few girls at their homes so that we, the audience, get to see just how desperate and pathetic they are IRL. So special. Here are some highlights:

Maquel—if Arie can get past the fact that your name sounds like a mumbled sneeze, then he certainly can get past the fact that you decided to wear a choker from Claire’s on national television.

Raven’s Friend—definitely has a butterfly tattoo somewhere on her body. I would not be surprised if she and Raven blackmailed production into a five episode deal, because why else would she be on this fucking show?

Marikh—is 100 percent the new Corinne of this season. She says she “owns” her own restaurant with her mother the same way Corinne “owned” her own company that her daddy bought and paid for her. It’s cute that they think they’re independent.

Taxidermy girl—does she have a name? Doesn’t matter. You, girl, are fucking terrifying. Arie, I would tread carefully with this one. I’m pretty sure the unedited footage has her walking through the room where her exes’ heads are mounted. Just saying.

Krystal—she exercises for a living and feeds the homeless in her spare time? You might be more frightening than the girl who talks to dead animals all day. I don’t trust it. 

THE INTROS

Now that I’ve just spent 20 minutes of my life that I’m never getting back watching ABC desperately try to explain why Arie is some sort of catch, we finally get to the good stuff. Stop trying to make Arie happen, ABC, he’s never going to happen!

Not Going To Happen

CHRIS HARRISON: Did you ever think being the next Bachelor would be in the cards for you?

ARIE: Obviously not, Chris, that’s why I ditched my girlfriend last week…

Seriously, is it too late to replace him with Peter? Anyone?

The girls start walking out of the limos, and Arie introduces himself to their boobs first. I can tell he’s really matured over the last five years. Sighs. 

Raven’s friend (I’m never calling her anything else) literally hands Arie a tiny weiner and then asks Arie if he has one of those already. It’s good that she knows relationships are built with a healthy dose of emasculation.

Arie keeps saying how “humbling” it is that all these women came here for him, and it’s like, less humbling and more pretty fucking shocking, I think, but okay.

Chelsea, who is clearly jealous that she didn’t show up in a clingy, low-cut dress like everyone else did, starts talking mad shit about every girl who walks into the mansion. I approve. She’s like, “the hair is down, the boobs are out” which literally sums up The Bachelor in 10 words or less.

Of course Arie thinks Jenna, the girl who 100 percent bought her dress at a department store at a North Carolina strip mall, is sexy. At least pretend like you’re not looking at her boobs—come on, Arie!

Other highlights from the intros include Maquel showing up in a literal race car, a girl asking Arie to sniff her pits, and another girl referring to Arie as a Ferrari (that’s a stretch) and slapping a bumper sticker on his ass. Lord Jesus, fix it.

THE COCKTAIL PARTY

Everyone seems genuinely surprised that a man of Arie’s age still has any hair at all. The bar is literally set so low for him.

Watching Chelsea try to hand Arie a drink, fail, and then pretend she just wanted to double fist her drinks anyways is making me want to set myself on fire. I’m so embarrassed for her.

CHELSEA: *tries to hand Arie a drink*

ME: 

I Can't Look

ALSO ME:

Popcorn

Chelsea is the first person to snag some one-on-one time with Arie and will definitely end up with laxatives in her diet supplement shakes should she make it to next week. She’s like “I’m not really that aggressive of a person” which would seem more believable if she didn’t just elbow her way through a crowd of girls to be Arie’s drink girl.

Wait, I actually love this bumper cars date that Brittany T. planned. Also, she seems chill AF. I’ll root for you.

There’s a lot of bold strategies happening rn. Lauren G comes right out of the gate by shoving a pineapple down Arie’s throat and telling him her safe word. Another girl brings him pizza and holds him hostage until he’s done eating it. I guess nothing says true love like coercion. 

Okay, Jenna def did all the coke she owned before getting on the plane to come here. Arie is just like, “I have no idea what she’s saying but I love her boobs it.” I can see you really understand what you want in a relationship, bro.

Krystal pulls Arie aside to tell him about her diet and workout plan deeply intimate parts of her life. I’ve decided she has the personality of a dumbbell.

ARIE: Tell me something about yourself

KRYSTAL: Well I’m a libra so…

ARIE: 

Okay

Chelsea breaks up this awkward exchange of meaningless facts, and Krystal looks like she wants to beat the shit out of her with her workout equipment. I can see her court defense now:

Exercise Gives You Endorphins

Arie and Chelsea start making out, and the way he swallows her face whole is making me want to throw up the six slices of pizza I shoved in my mouth earlier to prepare for this recap. And did he just say, “Thank you that was nice”?? *shudders*

Sidenote: Is it just me or is anyone else genuinely surprised by Bekah M.’s voice? I was expecting a voice that matches the age on her driver’s license, not the voice of someone’s midlife crisis mistress. It’s really throwing me off.

Bekah M. actually asks Arie a well-thought-out, interesting question about what three things excite him, to which he responds with “excitement.” *throws laptop at TV screen* ARIE, YOU’RE TRASH.

Watching Arie and Bekah M. talk is like watching a creepy dad hit on his kid’s babysitter. 

Arie And Bekah M

Seriously, someone needs to check her ID ASAP. I’m not even sure if it’s legal for him to have his hand that far up her thigh.

Chelsea gets the first impression rose, which means she 100 percent won’t win. I’m not convinced that Arie didn’t choose her to prove a point that he’s not just into the 21-year-olds with nice racks. You aren’t fooling anyone, Arie!

Krystal is still v pissed that Chelsea interrupted her one-on-one time with Arie. She’s like “we were really starting to connect! I could have gotten that first impression rose!” and it’s, like, no honey. The information you shared with him is the equivalent of reading word-for-word your shitty Bumble profile. Know your place.

Chelsea And Arie

THE ROSE CEREMONY

After an hour and 45 minutes of bullshit, we finally get to the rose ceremony. Which is good, because I’m this close to throwing up in my wine glass. Small mercies.

Every girl in the room is losing their shit over the prospect of being sent home night one, which is v relatable. If an old man with delicate hand gestures dumped me on national television, I would also be a head case.

The rose ceremony goes as such:

-All but one Lauren and half the blondes make it to next week. So does Raven’s friend and the girl wearing that tragic yellow dress that’s assaulting my retinas.

Arie Bachelor

-The losers include Jessica, aka the girl with daddy issues; Amber, the tanning salon owner; Bri, the sports host that I thought would go farther; and, like, five other nobodies.

Anddd that’s a wrap, folks. If you need me I’ll be writing hate mail to ABC for subjecting me to this bullshit on New Year’s Day. Kisses!

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