There is a lot you can learn about what the producers want you to think of a Bachelor season from its first episode and subsequent three minute season preview. Like, how many episodes do we get until the cast is all blondes under 30, or which hotel chain is sponsoring this season’s travel. And last night was no different. If you were too hungover from your NYE celebrations to watch, read our full recap, but if you are looking for a breakdown of what we think is going to happen this season based solely on heavily edited segments and the womens’ cocktail dress choices, read on.
Btw, I am not a Reality Steve reader because fuck spoilers, and I have no franchise adjacent leakers (Alexis did like one of my Instagram posts once though, and it was one of my best moments from 2017). But, I am a seasoned Bachelor viewer and have correctly identified at least one winner on episode one—so my predictions are sound.
1. Chelsea Is The Villain
This bitch made one of the most villainous moves since the re-interruption of Nick’s season: going in for a second conversation with Arie when some of the girls hadn’t even spoken to him once. How dare she. The previews show her using her single parent status as an excuse for being a shit person, so that looks exciting. But her Olivia vibe is so strong (like legit, are they related?) that I see her going out the same way: dumped on the mid season two-on-one date while she’s ugly crying on a beach.
2. Bekah M. Is BFFs With One Of The Producers
Who do you think got her that kick-ass vintage car for her entrance? Plus, she’s already doing some in-the-moment shit talking and asking producer-planted questions like “didn’t you say you got interrupted early, that doesn’t seem fair.” It looks like she makes it to the international travel phase, so the producers will get some great one-liners and she will likely have a successful Bachelor in Paradise/Instagram modeling career.
3. Arie Isn’t Terrible
I, like the rest of America, could not have been less excited about this year’s Bachelor pick. But tbh, he’s like totally fine, and seems to be capable of formulating full sentences. Plus he is way better than boring Ben Higgins and all-around meh of a man Nick Viall. Do I still wish it was Peter? Yes. But am I going to hate him as much as I thought I would? Maybe not.
4. ABC Had A Large Travel Budget
The season preview shows them going to Machu Picchu, Paris, Tuscany, and somewhere with a lot of sand. So clearly they got some quality travel sponsorships and realized that America is awful and they should gtfo. But the real question still remains: which city will prove to be the perfect place to fall in love? Oh wait nvm, it’s all of them—according to The Bachelor, every city is the perfect place to fall in love.
5. Someone’s Ex Shows Up
The producers are really trying to play this up in the season preview, but it obviously happens while they are still at the mansion. And honestly, they could have done a better job at cutting in images of Arie crying if they really wanted us to believe it had an impact on the show’s outcome. My guess is it happens week three, the ex is coming for one of the Laurens, and no one gives a shit.
6. These Girls Will Be Boring AF
Nobody got drunk on night one (huge disappointment), the most creative limo entrance involved a toy weiner (lame), and everyone appears to have a real job. What the fuck, ABC—who are we supposed to make fun of? I mean, Bibiana’s name is ridiculous, but we can only take that so far. Ugh, I miss Corinne.
