Before I start this recap, I’d just like to thank everyone who commented on my last recap and Tweeted at Betches. It provided me with a much-needed ego boost, as well as the will to continue on writing these recaps. So it looks like for the next few weeks my Wednesday nights will be composed of watching these idiots flail around as opposed to doing literally anything productive with my time. No, really. Thank YOU.
We open with Devin questioning Alicia’s allegiance. He’s like “Are you and Gio in love with each other or are you gonna come get this
Alicia: Nobody said I’m in a relationship with Gio.
Asaf: So you’re saying you’re single?
Asaf slidin’ into ya DM’s like
Poor Mike. Why don’t you go back to your home on
Whore Friendzone Island?
Alicia’s like “Gio moved all his stuff out” because that was a thing? You “moved in together” in the same house? What did he do, like, move his duffel bag onto a different bed? BIG STEP.
Asaf: Leave your old life on the east coast and come with me to the desert. — I’ve been to Tel Aviv. It’s on the coast. Hardly a desert. But sure.
Asaf: And the beautiful prince is on his way to the Peurto Rican princess. — no real commentary here, just to point out that Asaf calls himself beautiful and the girl he’s trying to mack on just “Puerto Rican”.
Asaf and Alicia make out. Gio is probably plotting both their murder. He flips out on them, predictably.
I guess to Gio being in a hot tob with a man is the highest form of cheating. Alicia’s like “you’re insecure you can’t handle me having a conversation with anybody.” Well almost 0% of my regular converstaions end in makeouts, so.
Alicia’s mad at Mike for not defending her and Mike’s like “well I like you.” Alicia says he should have come gotten her then? Mid-makeout with Asaf? Why anybody even bothers with this girl is beyond me. Then again… her behavior really opens my eyes to the types of shit I could subject dudes to and still get away with. #Inspirational
Gio: A lot of things with Alicia feel like with Kaylen and I. – He’s not as dumb as I thought he was.
Franny says she’s Gio’s perfect match because she’s theonly one who wouldn’t judge him. Which is a funny way of saying doormat.
Apparently these things are called missions and I’ve been using the wrong terminology. SUE ME.
New Guy (I know his name by now I’m just not using it on principle): If one person fails, the relationship fails, and that’s at the heart of this week’s mission – no shit, that’s at the heart of every mission.
They’re at some animal sanctuary where they have to get a selfie with a koala, kangaroo, dingo, and a python. Sounds fun tbh. But before they get the selfie they have to do a chore. GASP. A chore??! What do they have to do, sweep up some shit? Unload a dishwasher? Please.
While Mikala is crying over the dead rats Carolina is like “shrug life”. Hayden’s like “wow Carolina is actually pretty cool and maybe I shouldn’t have written her off immediately, I’m impressed.” Get you a girl who can do both.
Asaf’s cutting corn and is like “CORNBREAD! Like in 8 Mile!” …*starts singing about cornbread*.
Like I know gender roles and blah blah but you’ve got a jacked soldier cutting corn when you don’t know what the second task is but you know he can’t do it? Seems like you are about to play yourselves, but that’s none of my business.
Alicia: I have literal turds on my hands.
Mike: You like that tho?
Shanley, while plucking a chicken: Never in a million years did I think I would live the lifestyle of Ellie.
RIP. Well she’s not dead but you know what I mean.
Franny: I’m in its vagina. I’m currently in this chicken’s vagina.
So you’re saying you’re wound up in vaginas?
Watching Gio and Franny is a window into what abusive relationships look like. Stay woke, y’all. Reality TV is way more educational than your parents would like you to believe.
Morgan’s like “Tori is one of the biggest, fastest, strongest girls in the house.” I was waiting for him to say “hardest” so I could break out into Kanye in my head.
DAMN MIKE. KISSING ALICIA OVER A DINGO. It seems he has finally located his balls after all.
It’s a race to the selfies, and Morgan and Tori come in first. I see a bright future for Tori on The Challenge.
Adam and Sharon come in second. IDGAF about the rest of these hoes, Asaf & Kaylen and Gio & Franny are tied for last.
Asaf being like “pick the poop, babe. Pick the poop. Where is the poop?”
Can we get additional footage of Asaf asking various questions about poop? Hmm where have I seen this before…
Asaf: You’re doing great, like a squirrel.
Never change, Asaf. Never change. Gio and Francesca are 7th which means Asaf and Kaylen are in last. NOOOO.
Gio: Francesca is blessed to have me as a partner. She’s nothing without me.
Also Gio, probably: I respect women. Nobody respects women more than I do.
Like I’m sorry Kaylen but Asaf not motivating you correctly is not the reason for your loss. Do you really think if he said “poop” differently y’all wouldn’t have blown it?
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Franny pulls Gio aside to talk. This isn’t gonna end well.
Gio: You can work with me or you can work against me.
Gio’s DEFINITELY still not salty that Francesca didn’t answer his texts. Jesus I’m honestly terrified of him just watching him through the fucking screen—if this dude had my number you best believe I wouldn’t reply either.
Gio: Everyone knows they can’t fuck with me in this house.
Devin: Actually nobody thinks that.
Gio: If we lose it’s because I got a weak-ass partner!
Devin: Actually no we all know it’s because of you.
Never thought I’d say this. Hell has officially frozen over because Devin is speaking to me rn.
Does anybody care if I skip this recap of Morgan and Tori fucking around in this suite? No? Okay good.
Gio being like “your mindset is gonna be the reason why we lose” to Francesca which reminds me a lot of when my ex would low-key call me fat and then tell me it was my fault for “having a negative attitude” and “taking everything the wrong way.” Sorry if that was too real for y’all but this recap is also doubling as my audition to AYTO season 6.
I don’t need to recap the vote because it’s pretty fucking obvious Gio and Francesca are getting voted in. Also shouts out to Devin, lookin like every white guy at Bonnaroo in his dashiki.
Eveyrone’s acting surprised that Gio and Francesca got voted in like y’all didn’t just vote for them? I just used the Nick Young confused meme but I’m tempted to use it again here.
We all know how the rules work, wish the host would stop explaining them but I guess they gotta fill the time allotment somehow.
Dude honestly if Francesca steals and Gio shares we’re gonna have to put Franny in the Witness Protection Program. I would dead-ass donate money to her safety.
Time for the speeches.
Francesca: We started off hating each other and we’ve grown with every mission and I wanna stay so bad and I’m just excited to see where things are gonna go with us in the future.
Alicia just cracks up. Wow savage move, sleep with one eye open.
Franny chooses…. STEAL. OH SHIT. IT’S ALL HAPPENING.
GIO CHOOSES SHARE! ACTUAL FOOTAGE OF ME RN:
HOLY SHIT. I AM SHOOK. I was serious about what I said earlier. Francesca’s gonna need to use that $20K to buy herself a new identity. Hope it was all worth it!
Gio ends the episode like “I ain’t even mad. I need to go home. I need to get help.” Okay so now I feel kiiiiiinda bad about calling him a psychopath. Okay so maybe I didn’t use the word psychopath but I was definitely thinking it… Gio, if you’re reading this, good for you man. I hope you get the help you need. I can recommend a good therapist, just HMU. Take care. Blessings.
Damn Gio is legit crying on Fancesca’s shoulder. I feel like Asshole of the Year. Will I stop? No. Will my commentary become more PC? Also probably no. Will I try? Doubtful.
So in summation: I’ll see you all next week, and again in hell.