Who Will Win ‘The Bachelorette’ Based On What We’ve Seen So Far

By The Wicked Betch of the West | May 23, 2017
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According to a comment made to Jimmy Kimmel from ABC’s newest Bachelorette, which was definitely not super coordinated with and approved by the show’s production team, Rachel does, in fact, get engaged by the final episode of this season. Yay, we know true love between reality starts does exist! Well, at least until their contractual engagement period ends after a year, RIP Lauren and Ben.

Anyway, you can find all sorts of spoilers online about who Rachel decides was in fact there for all the right reasons and scores here final rose. We’re not scouring the internet for hometown date posts or anything like that, we’re just making a snap judgment of who should win based on how they behaved during episode 1. As Kel from the hit 1990’s Nickelodeon series Keenan & Kel would say: Awwwwww here it goes!

Aw Here It Goes

Let’s dissect some of these intro videos:

Not all of these guys are total doinks in the looks department. Alex is legit hot and especially when he’s speaking Russian or whatever the fuck language that is. Yet, I still can’t get over the fact he said he once ate a salamander (That was one time!). I feel like that’s a tough hurdle to overcome.

Blake, who claims to be a trainer and is alllll about the sex, like enough man. Remember when Evan mentioned he was an erectile disfunction specialist on JoJo’s season and we all got weirded out? Oh, how I beg to go back to that sweet, innocent time. Blake gives you the heebie jeebies like a sex ed instructor who hits on you right after he explained to your class how ejaculation works. He just makes your skin crawl every time he looks at the camera and talks about his penis. No way this guy goes home with the final rose.

Shudder

OK, limo time.

Peter “I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch, it’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed” is the first out of limo at the mansion. Remind me to shorten that nickname at some point btw. There’s something to be said for the first impression. Lauren was the first out the limo on Ben’s season. Sure, I get Rachel met some of these dudes already, but that doesn’t really count. Did you see the way her eyes fucking lit up when this guy got out of the limo, plaid jacket and all? IDK man, seems like there was an instant connection. By that I mean, she looked up at him and decided he was tall enough to bang her.

Fuck with this shit, Will. You think because Rachel is a black girl who lived through the 90’s that she’s going to be interested in your Urkel skit? Mmmm, pass. Will turns out to be kind of a hottie when he isn’t being embarassing, but he’s not the guy you want to take to dinner when you’re trying to become partner at your law firm. He’ll probably make it pretty far nonetheless.

Guys, how bangable is Dean though? I don’t really have much to say about him other than that I would 10/10 hit it. Still, he seems a little young and insecure for Rachel. Asking what she thought of your opening line? A real man would just assume she loved it and that he was already leading the pack.

Here’s a list of guys who eliminated themselves right out of the limo by being fucking weirdos: Tickle Monster Jonathan, Dummy Doll Adam, Penguin Man Matt, Elementary School Yearbook Fred, Rapey-Eyed Jack Stone, and Weird Testicle Announcement/Whaboom/general circus clown Lucas.

Penguin Guy Bachelorette

First kiss award goes to Bryan with a Y, which Rachel was totally not mad about. Let’s say from that, Bryan with a Y is a pretty big contender here.

For the all-important first impression rose, which isn’t really all that important because Ben gave Oliva the first impression rose, that also goes to Bryan with a Y. Just FYI, yes, I’m going to continue to refer to him as Bryan with a Y until he realizes that that’s a stupid way to spell BRIAN.

You can read all the rest of the drama in the full episode recap but as far as a final 4 breakdown goes, just from episode 1 impressions, I’m saying it all comes down to Peter, DeMario, Bryan with a Y, and Dean.

Bachelorette Episode 1

IDK, you can judge me for that Dean sleeper pick, but he’s like not even sneaky sexy, he’s just actual sexy. And if he smiled like that at me IRL I’d probably have to change my underwear. Peter is first outta the limo hotness and got the first rose during the ceremony. DeMario has the confidence to take him all the way. Bryan with a Y has that initial makeout sesh connection with Rachel that will propel him through the show.

So who should get the final rose? Based on what transpired in actually a kind of boring first episode, sans hilarious doll speaking French storyline, I’m giving the final rose to Peter and not Bryan with a Y. GASP! Everyone’s first impression is always totally wrong. I mean, Rachel got Nick’s first impression rose too, and look how well that turned out. There’s something to be said about getting rose number two but being first out of the limo. I just want to see them make cute gap-toothed babies. Peter and Rachel just have a spark and I’m not saying that because I read a bunch of this season’s spoilers already (even though I totally did).