Who's The Queen Of Bravo: Lisa Vanderpump Or Patricia Altschul?

If you’ve ever read any of our shit you know we fucking live for Bravo and its roster of betches. And while Andy Cohen has managed to find like, a million hot rich middle-aged women to fill his shows with, there are two that reign supreme: Lisa Vanderpump of RHOBH and Vanderpump Rules fame (and my namesake, fucking duh) and Southern Charm’s Patricia Altschul. They’re both richer than god. They throw major shade at their trashy, povo, younger castmates. And as far as we’re concerned, they practically run their respective towns. But who’s the betchier betch? We investigate here. Also, please note that despite my being named after LVP, I am in no way shape or form biased. I appreciate both of these queens and their overall betchiness equally.

1. Who Blacks Out More?

We start with one of the main defining qualities of being the betch, i.e. getting wasted. Both Lisa and Patricia are always drinking, which we can relate to on a personal level. LVP is usually chugging wine and I’ve literally never seen Patricia without a fucking martini in her hand (shouts out to Michael). If this were all the info we had, Patricia would win because obviously you black out harder off hard alcohol than wine. HOWEVER, not only does Lisa drink a lot, she makes her whole goddamn fortune off it. She owns bars in LA plus her own line of sangria. Even her daughter is getting in on the action with a new rosé, which, let’s be honest, was probs Lisa’s idea.

Winner: Lisa Vanderpump

2. Who Has The Better House?

Tbh, both are pretty fucking phenomenal. They have pools, gorgeous grounds, are absolutely massive, and you’re probs not allowed to touch anything in either. It’s really more of a style choice: Lisa’s Beverly Hills palace is modern and everything is white, while Patricia’s mansion is super Southern and traditional. Let’s just say I’d take either.

Winner: Tie


3. Who Has The Better Squad?

You might think LVP has this in the bag given that she’s actually on a show with rich people her age, while Patricia is hanging with Charleston’s most dysfunctional on Southern Charm. But do a little digging and you’ll find Mrs. Altschul rolls deep. One of her husbands was a doctor and art collector and founded the Psychiatric Institutes of America—aka he was rich AF. Another one was a partner at Goldman, Sachs—aka also rich af. She’s also homies with Vogue’s Andre Leon Talley. Sorry, LVP, but in this instance you, Kyle, and Ken could try Sears.

Winner: Patricia Altschul

Patricia Altchul

4. Who Throws More Shade?

Lisa and Patricia can absolutely destroy you with their mean and usually completely accurate comments. Lisa’s shit talking is super blunt and fucking hilarious, while Patricia says things in that passive-aggressive rich Southern lady way. It’s a close call, but Patricia only really talks shit when she’s asks, while Lisa takes it to the next level by dropping shade on literally everyone: enemies, employees, bffs. No one is safe.

Winner: Lisa Vanderpump

5. Who Has Better Help? 

When you live in a mansion that probs has its own zip code, you need someone to help you take care of it. Lisa’s housekeeper Rosia is a very nice soft spoken lady who helps keep Villa Rosa clean and assists in LVP’s dinner parties. Patricia’s butler Michael, on the other hand, is sassy AF and, according to Patricia, makes the world’s best martini. He carries a mallet around for perfectly crushed ice, for fuck’s sake. Sorry Rosia, but being a nice girl never got anybody anywhwere. Just ask your boss. 

Winner: Patricia Altschul

6. Who Has More Money?

This one doesn’t require much of an explanation. Like, this is actually the kind of shit you can just google. Spoiler Alert: one of these women is wealthy AF, and the other one is even wealthier than that. Patricia is fucking loaded with $20 million, but it’s nothing compared to LVP’s $65 mil. Holy shit, can either one of you throw me a couple grand for rent maybs?

Winner: Lisa Vanderpump

Lisa Vanderpump

7. Who Dresses Better?

In terms of wardrobe, LVP actually has a business to run so she’s usually rolling around Bev Hills in her Porsche and a pencil skirt and something pink. Patricia, as far as we can tell, doesn’t need to do shit except drink martinis, get ready for galas and pet her dogs so you can find her in one of her many super chic kaftans. She takes fabulous loungewear to the next level. Plus, I fucking can’t with all of Lisa’s tacky low-cut pink tops.

Winner: Patricia Altschul

Patricia Altschul

8. Who Has Better Pets?

Both of these women fucking love their animals and every time one of their shows comes on they have a new one. Like, aren’t you worried about them ruining your fucking mansions? Guess that’s what Rosia and Michael are for… Anyway we love Patricia’s dogs, but Lisa has dogs, swans, and miniature horses with glittered hooves. Which seems kind of like something that PETA might be interested in hearing about but we’re no snitches.

Winner: Lisa Vanderpump

The Winner: Lisa Vanderpump

So there ya have it. It was super close but LVP is truly the queen of all Bravo betches. Can’t wait to see Patricia have a literal meltdown about this next season. Maybe if you would have invited us to one of your parties, this list would have turned out differently. Just sayin’.