Mazel Tov! You’re getting married. Or you’re balls deep in a breakup and fantasizing hard about a day when a man comes into your life who doesn’t turn out to be a total fuckboy as soon as you hook up. Either way, you’re obsessed with weddings right now. Despite being a completely outdated societal norm that reinforces the idea that women are nada unless they have a man who loves them, it’s something we all dream about our entire lives. Hey, no one ever accused me of being a romantic, but even I’m all fired up about putting on a big cotton ball of a dress just to have some poor dude proclaim that he’s officially whipped in the name of the Lord and the government. I blame Say Yes To The Dress tbh. Like, fuck you Randy for making me all basic and shit. How dare you? I’m supposed to be a card carrying feminist out here in my pussy hat and yet the minute somebody mentions floral arrangements, I’m suddenly full of opinions. It’s the eternal paradox. Anyway, to help you judge the shit out of almost-married besties this wedding season or make sure you don’t commit bridal fashion suicide if you’re you’re the one saying “I do,” here’s what your wedding dress style says about you.
If you dream of having a dress so big you can hardly walk down the aisle, you def want a ball gown, meaning you’re a basic AF bride. You probably say shit about wanting to feel like a princess on your big day and all your bridesmaids def commence talking shit about you as soon as you leave the room. Just trust me. They are. You’re the type that’s dreamed/talked/pinned about this day for-fucking-ever and you’re super optimistic about getting married, even though deep down you know a lack of interesting sex with a man who is developing a beer belly is in your future. You’ll start a mommy blog once you have kids and make everything look like it’s perfect, but you’ll have a secret stash of vodka and maybe a little weed in your nightstand for the one day a year when you’re actually allowed to enjoy life.
Mermaid/Trumpet/Fit And Flare
First things first, what’s the fucking difference? And even if there is a slight difference, is three different names for something that’s virtually the same really necessary? I’m gonna say no. But I digress. If this is the kind of dress you go for, you’re confident and hot but you understand that your 90-year-old Meemaw doesn’t want to see you looking like a hoe on your wedding day. Ever since you got engaged, you haven’t eaten carbs (except for that one drunken pizza binge at your bachelorette) and you’ve been hitting up SoulCycle every morning. You’re super successful at work thanks in large part to your type A personality. Because of this, you’re obsessing over every detail of your wedding and have had at least four nervous breakdowns planning this shit. You’re excited for it to be over with so you can finally relax, but let’s be honest, you’ll find something else to obsess over in a matter of days. Probably like, a baby or some shit.
If this style is for you, you’re the trashy bride. I mean, at least you’re bold, right? You’re marrying someone who’s rich AF because there’s no way you’d settle for one dick the rest of your life if there wasn’t some benefit in it for you. You were the lush of your sorority in college and while you were excited to get married at first, the whole “till death do us part” thing has you wigging the fuck out the closer you get to your wedding. In a few years, you’ll get a role on Real Housewives because you need to do something for you and after two seasons you and your husband will call it quits. You’ll say it’s because the pressure of living your life on reality TV magnified your problems, but it’s really because you were bored out of your fucking mind. In a year or so, you’ll try releasing a pop single and it’ll be embarrassing for literally everyone.
Hold on. I need to wait for this massive eye roll to end before I can put together my thoughts. Okay cool. I’m finished. A tea-length wedding dress is reserved specifically for hipster brides and people who are roughly a thousand times less cute than they think they are. At your wedding, everything will be DIY because “you couldn’t find anything that truly embodied your essence” and you will literally tell everyone in earshot about it. For favors, you and your fiancé brewed your own beer that’s fucking disgusting if I had to guess and made custom labels that say “Let Love Brew.” Vomit. IRL, you pride yourself on not having the type of job the status quo—or as you like to call it, “The Man”—expects you to have. So like, you harvest bees and sell honey on the side of the road or some shit. Idk. Long story short: You’re the worst. Welcome to your tape.
Isn’t one $10,000 dress for one evening of your life enough? If your answer to this question is no, you’re extra af. You care way too much about what everyone thinks and you’re going to be so tied up in everyone’s opinion of you and your wedding, you’re going to be fucking miserable the day of. In general, you try way harder than you need to at pretty much everything you do. Out of your 12 bridesmaids, only 4 or 5 would consider you a close enough friend to have them in their wedding, and all of them are pissed about how much money they had to spend making your destination bachelorette happen. Ouch. In a few years, you’ll pop out a kid or two and quit your job to be a full-time mom so you can take up tennis at your local country club and become the president of PTA.
Your Mom’s Dress
If you insist on wearing your mom’s old haggard wedding dress from the 80s, you’re a typical nicegirl. Everything you do in life revolves around what’s best for others rather than looking out for #1 and because of this you’ve been walked on by everyone you know. Tragic. You think wearing your mom’s dress will be a sweet gesture and will make her v happy, but did you even think about yourself? I mean, it’s your fucking day and you’re gonna wear some tacky shit from the 80s? I’d feel bad for you except you’re also the type that would only have beer and wine at your reception, fuck maybe even no alcohol at all, and I don’t feel bad for people who pull that kind of shit on their friends.
Brides who choose A-line dresses are sophisticated, classic betches, not just on their wedding day but in general. Unlike most brides, you’ve been chill throughout the entire wedding process and not a total nightmare so you’ll still have friends other than your spouse once this whole thing is over. You’re like really really pretty and don’t need a super tight dress to be the hottest girl in the room. You’re the type that won’t change after you get married. You’ll still hang out with all your friends and not be lame AF and for sure won’t keep your wedding portraits as your prof pic for too long. When you have a kid, you’ll name it something normal and have the appropriate amount of involvement in its day to day life. Congratulations. You win.
How long is it acceptable to keep your wedding profile pic up? Find out here!