It’s that time of year again. When your most intimate moments are put on blast by a little green app that holds all your happiness and despair. That’s right, it’s Spotify Wrapped season.
For those of you brave delulu enough to share their results on social media, more power to you. For me, I’m taking my Spotify Wrapped to my grave. I learned at the ripe age of 13 that the contents of your iPod Nano should be held close to your chest, or risk being cyberbullied within an inch of your life.
This is why I dusted off my incredible lying skills that can be easily copied and pasted into the group chat as needed. You’re welcome.
“Taylor Swift Wasn’t Even On My Wrapped This Year”
Yes, I’m a bold-faced liar. Yes, she was my top artist of the year like everyone else. Yes, I spent all of my bank account on Eras tickets. But I refuse to be this basic. I’m not like other girls!!! Let me have this.
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“I Was In The Top .001% Of Listeners For Phoebe Bridgers.”
Sure, you say you’re a fan, but I need proof that I’m THE fan. In reality, Phoebe was my third top artist but that information is between me and God.
“I Played Like 1,392 Songs in 2023. Just A Cute Little Number.”
Oh god, oh god, oh god. I actually played close to 10,623 songs this year. Am I depressed? Is this my official diagnosis? Probably.
“My Top Mood? Pop Happy Cool Teen”
More like “Depressed Sad Loser Adult.” It’s fine. I’m fine.
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“I Played ‘Karma’ 36 Times Like A Normal Person.”
The truth? I played it 2,632 times. Is the FBI going to show up at my house?? I deserve a restraining order. I’m sorry, Taylor!
“My Peak Listening Month Was June Because I Hosted Like A Ton Of Parties”
Lies! Lies! Lies! I hid from the sun like a gremlin. But in a relatable way? Sure.
“Who Is Olivia Rodrigo? Never Heard Of Her.”
JK, she’s my mother and I’m almost a decade older than her. Yes, I’m a 27-year-old teenager. No, I will not be answering questions at this time.
“It Turns Out I Should Live In Sydney, Australia With Other Hot People”
Why would Spotify Wrapped tell me I belong in Burlington, Vermont with all the other liberal gays? I mean, it’s not wrong but I’m not sure if I’m ready to become a vegan.
