"Earlymoons" AKA Pre-Wedding Honeymoons Have Got To Stop

It’s that glorious, glorious time of year we all love/hate and know as “Wedding Season”. Sure, it can be a somewhat enjoyable experience to watch all your friends getting married to their college sweethearts while you drink free Champagne and scope out which groomsman is single and hot enough to bang if you squint one eye and down three drinks. But let’s be real, nothing can remind you just how single you are (the answer is: as fuck) or how poor you are (like, seriously, how are these assholes affording this shindig?) like a wedding.

The combination of those things together make it even more infuriating that some bastards now think it’s necessary that they go on a goddamned honeymoon prior to actually getting married. Enter the “Earlymoon”. It’s just the latest insane trend people with way too much money like to engage in.

Eye Roll

So, I guess the point is that after you stressed yourself out trying to plan for the wedding while stretching your budget to its breaking point, you need a pre-wedding vacation to reconnect with your future Mister or Missus while also putting yourself in the right frame of mind to get married. Wedding experts, who were created to swindle your dad out of his retirement savings, say this will make your wedding even more enjoyable as you’re now focused on each other again and not all the planning and details.

Hot Tip Alert: if you aren’t in the right frame of mind to get married immediately before your wedding, an Earlymoon probably won’t fix your shitty relationship.

Likewise, if wedding planning really stressed you out so goddamned much that you have to take a vacation to keep from killing yourself or your future spouse or your whole family, maybe consider that you were a little too ambitious with the wedding plans in the first place. Calm down with the ice sculptures, Karen.

Calm Down

Of course, your Earlymoon doesn’t have to be to Paris or Spain. (But, like, go big or go home, right?) Instead, the wedding industry says they can be as simple as a staycation or a trip to a cabin or a beach for a weekend. In that case, it’s really not an Earlymoon though, is it? It’s more just you hanging out with someone you love and are going to marry for a weekend.

I’d like to say that this is just another dumb new millennial trend made up by 40-year-old reporters to make us as a generation look more self-absorbed and greedy than we are, but honestly this is pretty believable since all people getting married are temporary narcissists. They will spare no expense or opportunity to make themselves and their wedding the center of attention, no matter how many friends they lose or people they leave dead and bloodied along the way, so long as they can make themselves and their wedding the center of attention, no matter how many friends they lose or people they leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way.

Um, anyway, you can best believe I’m not donating to your Earlymoon Kickstarter, and if I see a #Earlymoon Instagram I’m going out of my way to report it as abuse. Please plan accordingly.