I consider myself a realist. Therefore, I do not expect the room decor of a 20-year-old male to resemble that of an IKEA showroom. Most people, in fact, don’t expect to be blown away by the interior decorating skills of a college boy, and would be really impressed if they even had a fitted sheet on their bed. What I’m trying to say is that the expectations are LOW.
That being said, whether heinous or slightly less heinous, a guy’s room “decor” (and I use that term loosely) can reveal a lot about him and tell you the kind of f*ckboy you’re dealing with. Without further ado, let’s judge a book by its cover.
It’s only fair to begin with the most common f*ckboy room staple piece. This flag is like the male equivalent of having a tapestry from Urban Outfitters. The “Saturdays are for the Boys” (SAFTB) flag is the epitome of douchebaggery, especially if it ever gets brought out in public. If you’re in college, you’ve definitely experienced the SAFTB flag f*ckboy and the type of sh*t he likes to pull. Drunk texting you annoying sh*t while you’re out with your friends. Making you Uber to his house at 2am, only to pass out in a puddle of half-eaten pizza and his own vomit, leaving you outside shivering in your cop top. And, god forbid, actually muttering the words “Saturdays are for the boys”. Basic decor. Basic f*ckboy.
The problem with this type of guy is that he thinks he’s “edgy” and “different” when in reality he fails to notice that Frank Ocean and The Lumineers are not, in fact, underground artists. This f*ckboy will likely attempt to model his outfits after, like, Tyler the Creator, and he’ll own more cross-body fanny packs than you do. He will pretend not to notice you whenever he has his AirPods in and will sh*t talk you for listening to Adele. You may have a few fun dates and convince yourself that you’re ~branching out~ with both your taste in men and music, but before you know it you’ll grow exhausted of his pretentious conversation topics, drop him, and start to crave trash pop music again.
At least one wall in every f*ckboy’s dorm/apartment/house is covered in boxes from whatever beer is the cheapest rack at the local liquor store. Unless he’s in a frat, in which case, at least two walls will be plastered with beer boxes. Anyone with eyes can see this “decor” is just trash taped to a wall, but this f*ckboy sees this collection as a point of pride, and not an ode to all the empty calories he’s consumed that semester (not to mention, all the brain cells killed).
This is the guy who thinks getting blackout drunk is a personality trait. He will always be found at the party next to the keg, being weirdly protective over it and criticizing everyone’s pours. He’ll sh*t on you for liking White Claw, but drink Natty Light like it’s water. The one upside of this guy is that he’s generally pretty fun to party with if you’re both hammered… until he inevitably gets way too hammered. He’s a great date for any events or mixers up until the point when he gets way too drunk, vomits in front of all your friends, and you’re stuck apologizing for the drunken idiot you now have to force into a cab because he insists he’s “fine”.
Excessive Sports Pennants/Posters
Though also incredibly basic, the excessive sports regalia f*ckboy is not to be confused with the SAFTB f*ckboy. This guy actually cares enough about a specific team to display a flag/logo/whatever in their room, whereas the SAFTB f*ckboy is just slapping the universal symbol for misogyny on their wall. The excessive sports paraphernalia is a dead giveaway that this is the kind of f*ckboy who peaked on his high school basketball team and will probably tell you stories about games and constantly claiming he “could’ve gone D1.” Sure, Chad.
When it comes to a room drowning in fan gear, certain cities will spell doom for you. For example, if he is from Chicago or backs Chicago teams, be prepared to hear him whine about sports teams that consistently suck. This guy will probably have a minor gambling addiction and ignore your texts during football games while he loses a few hundred dollars. If he’s from Boston, get ready for a giant superiority complex.
“Witty” Political Posters
Political posters signal a f*ckboy who took a single political science class and suddenly thinks he’s smarter than you. Picture Connor Roy from Succession. This guy will allllways have piping-hot “hot takes” that are really more half-baked than hot. He’ll ask to not use a condom after saying he doesn’t support Planned Parenthood, or refuse to pay for dates because “capitalism is a scam” or some sh*t, and he will generally talk to you like you’re inferior. No matter what side of the aisle he finds himself on, you can bet that he will hang up a few political posters. But pay attention to the specifics, because those are the most revealing. For example, if he has a JFK poster, he’s likely from the East Coast, and any money he’s spent on you probably came right out of his parents’ pockets. A Reagan/Bush ‘84 poster means he saw it on another guy’s T-shirt once, and he only identifies as a conservative because his parents do.
This obviously isn’t a definitive list, and I’m not saying that there isn’t still hope for these guys. But the sad reality is that most of us are dealing with some disturbing hodgepodge of all of the above f*ckboy traits. May we pray that one day these guys evolve and branch out to something a bit more civilized. Like a wall of LaCroix boxes or an Anthropologie candle.
Images:manny PANTOJA / Unsplash; Giphy (2); @barstooluconn (Instagram: 1)