How To Get Through The Week Without Cutting A Bitch: Your Weekly Horoscopes May 1-7

Between the weather finally not sucking, all the “It’s Gonna Be May” memes, and Cinco de Mayo, there’s a lot going on this week. But it’s not all party and bullshit, unfortunately—we can’t all live like Biggie. Some of you will be tired af even though you already took six naps today, and some of you will just be over everyone’s shit—I mean, more so than usual. But some of the signs are going to be Livin’ It Up like Ja Rule pre-Fyre festival. You lucky bitches. Read on to see what type of shit will get thrown at you this week, and how you should respond in a (decently) mature and productive way—because we’re pretty sure “Karen was just getting on my last nerve, so I stabbed her” is not going to fly as “justifiable homicide” before the courts.


Remember that shitty airport movie starting Tom Hanks, the one where he’s stuck in a terminal? What was that called again? Well that’s kind of what your life will feel like in the week ahead: like you’re stuck between two places. Like, you want to move on to the next big thing, but you’re just not physically able to do that. Sure, that’s a shitty feeling, but the good thing about the Aries betch is that she doesn’t ever stay stuck in one place for long. After graduation—or you move or you take a new job, whatever—that feeling will pass and you’ll be back to being a much more kick-ass version of yourself. I’d also like to apologize for using the word “kick-ass.”


The Sun in your sign is making you hella bold, Taurus. Sure, you may be reading Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes and getting yourself in trouble by saying yes to things that probably deserve a hard pass, but, whatever, chalk it up to learning experience. Be warned though, those bold moves could have lasting repercussions in your life. Like, maybe asking for a raise gets you more money but now you’re stuck with more responsibility at work. Gross. And like, saying yes to that Tinder date got you attention and likely a free meal, but now you actually have to go on the date. Ugh, you really should have thought that one through. Just proceed with caution, but also dance on the bar if you feel so inclined. Does that make sense?

I Do What I Want


This week it’s all about your friends. Spring always kind of seems like a turning point for friendships before people take off for summer plans. I mean, if you’re graduating, you may legit never see some of these people again, so this week it’s important to evaluate your friendships. Decide who you want to keep Snapchatting through summer and who you want to hit with the slow fade. Likewise, it’s best you spend as much time just chilling with your besties so they don’t “forget” to text you all summer either.


Bring on Cinco de Mayo, Cancer betch. Whether you’re the one throwing the margarita chugging contest or sitting poolside with a side of guac the size of your head, this is a super social week for you. Hold up though, it’s not all Coronas and sun tans—you have an important choice to make in the week ahead, and it’s not just what flavor marg you should order. Don’t mull it over to much, because then you won’t be able to focus on the fun. Go with your gut, and then fill that same gut with dollar tacos.


The Sun is at the top of your chart this month. Conveniently, the actual sun has finally come out to put you in a better mood. (That is, unless you live in Denver, then it’s still shitty and cold. Sorry.) With the Sun in your chart, you’re still super visible to those around you, earning you a lot of trust and admiration. Someone might even seek you out as a mentor. Instead of blowing them off, it will serve you best to bestow some of your great knowledge on someone who needs it. You’re, like, so kind and generous. Obvi.

Such A Good Friend


You need to wise up when it comes to your finances because you’re deathly close to your dad not bailing your ass out of debt this time. Shocking, I know. Get like a “Managing Your Money for Dummies” book or something because when it comes to your funds this week, knowledge is power. Besides, do you really want to be the only one in your friend group who can’t afford that summer booze cruise because you spent all your money on Seamless? I don’t think so. Cool it on the summer sandal shopping and grow up when it comes to spending, K?


You can see clearly now the rain is gone, or snow, or whatever other shitty weather your region of the world has been experiencing. Prepare yourself for some super clear thinking when it comes to your relationships. Like waking up from a really great Salvia experience, you’ll know exactly what needs to be done this week, even if you don’t particularly like that answer. Do you need to dump that SAB? Maybe. Do you need to lay down the line with a clingy BBB? Sure. It’s time you let your standards be known and you cut the dead weight from your team.


The Sun is opposite your sign, so it’s your unlucky turn to be a little bit tired all month. Bummer. This isn’t the best time for you to be feeling like sleeping literally all the time, so it might be best to load that Starbucks rewards card and power through your desire to Netflix and Nap. Since you’re waiting on important news this week, take your mind off whatever it’s preoccupied with by upping your workout game. This is conveniently happening just before summer, and it will also give you the energy to make it to your Cinco de Mayo festivities without falling asleep in a lawn chair.


Mars moves opposite your sign this week, making you WAY more likely to be annoyed as shit with people. OK, it’s not really convenient to think everyone around you is a fucking idiot right now, so put your best fake smile on and power through your animosity for fucking Karen sitting in the cubical next to you going on and on about her perfect boyfriend. Fuck you, Karen. Anyway, demonstrating grace under pressure will actually serve you well this week. Cash checks, but don’t break any necks and you’ll be OK.

Everyone Is Stupid Except Me


It’s really all about having the time of your life this week, Capricorn betch. Live it up without giving yourself up to all of your responsibilities, at least for one more week. The real world might flick you in the nose, metaphorically, next week. Actually, it’s probably best you put off work because you won’t be able to focus this week anyway. Let yourself relax and take a breather from the shitty parts of life now so you can better focus on getting it done next week. Did we just condone your procrastination tendencies? Yes, yes we did.


You’re super reflective this week, which doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You’re really thinking about where you want to go in life, family, and relationships. Normally, you probs try to drown your feelings with tequila this time of year, but it might be best to actually figure yourself out now. Make a list of goals. Sure that might sound boring, but knowing what you want will keep you from feeling lost and having a breakdown. No one wants to ugly cry in a sombrero in a dirty bar bathroom, so make sure you’re right as rain before you start partying this weekend.


You feel like you just cannot catch a break lately. The cute guy you like might reveal he has a girlfriend (would have been nice to mention that a week ago, Nick). The job you wanted might go to some skank who wears Payless shoes. Whatever. You can channel all that angst and the “Why me?” mentality into something creative. Creative drinking, maybe? Things are definitely looking up by the end of the week. Whatever was stressing you out Monday will seem so minuscule and petty by Friday, it’s laughable.