It’s Monday again, meaning you’re probably feeling a little bit desperate to make some sort of plan for the rest of your week. Should you take a mental vacation, or double down on work in preparating for a future mental vacation? Should you party on Wednesday, or save that shit for the weekend? It can be so hard to decide. Luckily, there is always one extremely scientific method of life planning that will never steer you wrong: the arbitrary placement of the planets as they correspond to the date and time of your birth, aka, astrology. So before you go penciling in the rest of your week, be sure to consult the stars. They’re literally never wrong.
You’re starting off the week feeling super sensible. You firmly believe you got all your shit together over the weekend and are in the right frame of mind to power through the week ahead. Pump the brakes on that, Aries. Some midweek nonsense is really going to fuck up your plans. Some outside force, or shitbag person, is trying to keep you from living your best life. You should just be bold enough to put your hand up and say “Not today, Satan.”
YAS YAS YAS! No only is the Sun in your sign, the only New Moon of the year in your sign occurs this week. That might sound like trippy hipster nonsense, but it means this is the perfect time to make goals and plans for the future. When you plan shit this week, whether it be a vacation or a job interview, the good juju of the stars will carry into you carrying out those plans. Yiss betch. This is truly a good time for you.
Your mood swings this week aren’t because you’re starting your period. Though, of course, you can always blame them on that. You’re going to be hot and cold about some emotional issues because there are contradictory influences in your sign. Part of you wants to chill on the sidelines with a pitcher of margaritas, the other part of you wants to crowd surf in the center of the pit. So if you wonder why the plans you just made sound super shitty and exhausting like an hour later, just blame your sign.
Wednesday’s New Moon has the Cancer betch contemplating her friendships. Maybe your second Coachella weekend has you ready to cut Karen from the team because you’re tired of caring for her drunk ass. Goddamnit, Karen. Maybe Kylie keeps breaking up and getting back with her ex and cries to you every time he does something shitty. C’mon Kylie. Look at the friendship causing you the most stress in life and maybe consider not texting that girl back this week to see how your life improves without her drama.
The Sun is still high in your chart, so no, you aren’t just really fucking stoned, people are probably actually staring at you. The Sun makes you more visible to the rest of the world, obvi. Since the New Moon is in your chart starting Wednesday, it’s a good time to start asking people for favors in order to set your life up for something better in the next three years. Ask your boss for your raise. Ask your professor for an A. I mean, it never hurts to ask, right?
With great vibes coming your way by Wednesday, now is the best time for a Virgo betch to take a pre-summer vacation. I mean, it’s a little late for spring break and too early for an actual summer vacation so this is the vacation before the vacation. It’s kind of like the shirt before the shirt, if you’re up on your Jersey Shore trivia. Anyway, a short trip will really do you some good. At least it will give you an extra boost to last until your actual vacation.
Just like The Lion King (RIP Mufasa) you’ll be asking yourself, “Can you feel the love tonight” basically all week long. You’ve got a lot of passion brewing this week, in the bedroom and for your hobbies. Your goal this week will be balancing the two. Trust us, there is room for sexy time and a spin class in your life, you just need to prioritize this week and cut out the unnecessary tasks. Doing your dishes can wait, mama needs some lovin.
Now that you’ve tucked your boobs back in your shirt from your wild weekend at Coachella, it’s time to get back on the work grind. Your motto this week can still be work hard, play hard. You just need to make sure that your boss doesn’t catch you playing when you should be working. Refresh your memory on the art of pretending to work so you don’t actually get in trouble and have to stay late and miss happy hour. Boo.
Jesus take the wheel! You have had all you can take with some bitches just annoying the shit out of you. Don’t worry, that’s totes understandable because Mars is opposite your sign, making you prone to annoyances. Take a step back and write a strongly worded email or angry text and then don’t send it. It’s really not worth the repercussions this week. It’s better to be, like, a sleeper agent and strike in a more vindictive way when they least expect it.
The lucky Capricorn betch is basically checked out of everyone else’s drama right now. Either she just got back from vacation, is going on a vacation or is just mentally checked the fuck out—whatever the reason, Capricorns would like you to keep your problems to yourself for the week. Not having to put out other people’s fires will give you time to focus on yourself and have some introspection. Mentally, you’re somewhere on a beach all week, bitches.
Ugh, the New Moon on Wednesday is pretty much forcing you to address issues that have been going on close to home. Maybe it’s time to work something out with a sibling or apologize to your mom for being such a boob punch on the phone last week. If things are all good with your actual family, you might want to make sure things are copacetic with your roommates too. I mean, how many Post-its can you leave each other before things implode? Really.
Things are kind of crazy hectic in the life of a Pisces betch. You’re trying to balance work, friends, dating, making sure you have clean underwear for the week, etc. Like, yeah, a lot is going on. Don’t let a snide remark from a coworker or a weird text from a friend distract you from what’s actually important right now. If you wanted to kowtow to the opinions of people who suck, you’d go back to high school. Um, no thank you. It’s boss betch week for you—just keep getting shit done.