Your Weekend Horoscopes, March 31st-April 2nd: Don't Act A Fool This April Fool's Day

Some of you need to chill the fuck out, some of you need to sit the fuck down, and some of you need to turn the fuck up. Find out what the stars have in store in our Betches weekend horoscopes.


This is a week of new beginnings for you, Aries. As it is likely that your New Year’s resolution died out about four days into January, use the beginning of a new month (and hopefully, fucking spring) on Saturday to start over. April is totally the new January. Get back on that fitness grind now that the idea of wearing a swimsuit ever again in your life actual seems feasible. Dedicate yourself to school or work and actually, idk…. try? Or maybe it’s time to take a chance on love and put yourself back out in the dating scene. Whatever you decide, make sure you go for 100%. Betches may be lazy, but we’re not flakes.

Half-Ass Ron Swanson


You’ve had a good run, Taurus. Weeks of productivity. Weekends of partying. Mornings when you don’t think you’re on the verge of death. Honestly, it’s been infuriating to watch you succeed so effortlessly. However, the new month and a new moon are here to stop you in your tracks. Idk how to tell you this but this weekend is going to throw you into a bit of a rut. Nothing life or death, but things will just seem to go wrong at every turn. Our advice? Avoid this at all costs by not leaving the comfort of your bed unless you absolutely have to. Come Monday the stars may be less shitty, but best to play it safe until then.


You’ve been through a bit of a rough patch recently, Gemini. It was shitty, as I’m sure you remember only too well, but you made it through it because your friends were there to pick you up when you were down and pour wine into your mouth when it was open. Well, the time has come for you to return the favor and break out that shoulder for someone else to cry on. Comforting people is never fun or easy, but right now it’s non-negotiable. Go buy a few bottles, a tub of ice cream or two, and wait for the call. Believe us, it’s coming.

There There


The Cancer motto this weekend: new month, new look. Let the beginning of April and potential (but unlikely) return of the sun bring out a brighter, shinier, you. If there’s been some big transformation you’ve been considering but are too scared to try, this is the weekend to do it. Chop your hair off. Dye it. Overhaul your wardrobe. The sky is the limit! It’s time to come out of your winter cave stronger, fiercer, and better looking than you were when you climbed into it. Spring is here. Time to act like it.


I know what you’re thinking, Leo, and the answer is a resounding “fuck no.” This weekend, for whatever reason, you’re going to be tempted to hit up an ex. Maybe they’re in town, or you saw an ill-timed Snapchat, or you’re just lonely. I don’t know, but more importantly, I don’t care. This is a time for new starts, not shitty backsliding after one too many Long Islands. You may think you’re stronger than that, but I’m here to tell you you’re not. Give your phone to someone you trust, stay away from social media at all costs, and surround yourself with fun people that will distract you from yourself. We have faith, Leo. Don’t let us down.

Rooting For You


Yikes, Virgo. I’m not sure what exactly is going down this weekend, but I do know that it’s going to be shitty. Honestly, I’m sorry that the universe so clearly has it out for you. It may seem like the world is ending, but this is where your friends come in with ample amounts of alcohol to assure you that it’s not. There is nothing more powerful than the will of a drunk girl trying to cheer up her sad friend. If science could bottle that kind of effort, the world would be at peace. Just sit back and try to keep your head above water; your friends should take care of the rest.


This weekend is a time of reflection, Libra. There have been a lot of moving parts in your life as of late, and now is the time to sit down and consider how you feel about them all. Maybe it’s time for a little spring cleaning, in every sense of the word. Clothes you don’t need? Toss them. Friends you don’t need? Toss them. Guys you don’t need? Toss them (but save their numbers for when you’re drunk. New month, new you. Don’t let any of that shitty winter baggage follow you into spring. Let this meme be your inspiration:

Cut People Out Of Your Life


A few words of advice, Scorpio: despite what you seem to think at times your words and actions do, in fact, affect other people. Crazy, right? It’s almost like you aren’t the only person in the entire universe. I’ll let that sink in before we continue.

While we are definitely champions of the “you do you” mentality, sometimes you need to take a step back and remember that there are other people in your life. People with thoughts and—wait for it—feelings. Against their better nature, they care about you and the shit that you do. So maybe, just maybe, it’s time to return the favor, yeah?

TL; DR: Stop being a self-centered shithead and think about your friends and family before you do stupid shit. Way harsh Tai, but we know you can take it.


I think my favorite part about Sagittarians is their undying optimism when it comes to other people. You, without fail, will go out on a limb for anyone and everyone, time and time again, no matter the consequences. It’s awe-inspiring, in the way that it’s hard to not watch when a pack of lions just wrecks a baby gazelle on Planet Earth. In this metaphor, Sagittarius, you are the gazelle. This weekend, try and be a little more judicious about the people you throw yourself on the line for. I know it’s going to be hard, but you will come out the other end with your mental and physical health intact. Wild, right?

Mean Girls


The nostalgia is going to be real this weekend, Capricorn. Something about the weather, the stars, the people will be taking you on a long trip down memory lane. For better or for worse is entirely up to you. If skeletons start to resurface, there is no shame in avoiding that shit like the plague. But if you happen to have a positive memory or two, try revisiting that and see what happens. Reach out to old friends just to check in. You’ll be surprised by how much you still like people that knew you when you were 18. It can be comforting to go back in time and remember the people who helped make you the person you are today. Or it can be horrifying. Guess there’s only one way to find out.


My dude. Aquarius. This past week has been a journey of self-discovery for you, and it is absolutely wild how different of a person you are compared to just a week ago. We, for one, are here for it. This weekend, move forward with this new mindset and implement it in every aspect of your life. After months of being put on the back burner, your mental health will truly thank you for it. Let your new self shine and don’t let anyone dampen it. In fact, those that try are not worth your time in this new era. Cut them loose and let them know why.

New Me


Well, well, well, Pisces. I hate to say I told you so, except just kidding. I fucking love it. You’ve spent the last few weeks working yourself down to the bone, and you’re exhausted in every sense of the word. This weekend, please just chill the fuck out. Seriously. Turn off your phone. Lock your doors. Close the blinds. I promise the FOMO you may suffer will pale in comparison to the stroke you’re bound to suffer any day now. The universe calls for 48 straight hours of unadulterated relaxation. Please, don’t ignore it.