Mean Girls fans thought we were lucky enough to be getting the musical version next year (shut up, I’m excited!!!!), but then Walmart punched us in the face with this commercial and it truly was awesome.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfX-brlBH18
I have never been this exhilarated by Walmart. They got the whole gang back together to give us almost two minutes of laughs and capitalism. I can finally use all of my Mean Girls puns without being labeled a “such a Millennial” by the mean Gen Z kids in the office.
We need to discuss every detail of this commercial, so get in loser, we’re going shopping at Walmart!!!
Where the hell is Regina George?!?!
Let’s get the truly terrible news out of the way first.
You cannot, simply cannot, do a Mean Girls comeback and not include Regina George. The limit to this insanity does not exist. I was waiting the entire time for Regina. Give me my Regina. If Rachel McAdams wasn’t willing, get the next best thing: Reneé Rapp. The musical Regina will do better than no Regina at all.
And even worse than not including Regina is that they tried to REPLACE her with Gretchen. Did you think that we wouldn’t notice? “Get in losers, we’re going shopping” is classic Regina, not Gretchen. Filming the dance and supporting your daughter is Regina’s mom NOT GRETCHEN’S!!!
Unacceptable behavior, Walmart.
More People Missing in Action
Aside from our queen, Regina, there were some more familiar faces missing. Damian was notably missing his bestie, Janis Ian. No Ms. Norbury or Mr. Duvall patrolling the corridors or pushing drugs on kids. And where is Aaron Samuels?? He would’ve been so easy to write in. Imagine him asking for the date!
I feel like they blew most of the budget on Amanda Seyfried and had to make do for the rest. Lindsay probably agreed to a small fee so she could get some promo before her next ChatGPT-written Hallmark film, which I will most certainly watch.
STRUDLGRL
Okay, as a Mean Girls connoisseur, I obviously remembered that Gretchen’s father is the inventor of Toaster Strudel, so I get why this is her license plate. But I feel like they really tried to mine that joke for all that it was worth, with the plate of Toaster Strudel being shown at the end as well. Like of all the jokes in Mean Girls, that is NOT the one we’re thinking of or caring about in the slightest. There is so much more you could do with Gretchen, why are you pushing this Toaster Strudel down our throats?
Kevin and Kevin Junior
Did I need to see Kevin there? No, but it was a fun little shoutout. And of course, Kevin names his kid Kevin Junior. Like this is one of the most on-character things about the whole commercial. Good for Kevin and Kevin Junior, but where is his mom, Janis?!
No Way, Cady
I’ve had a bone to pick with Cady since the film in 2004, and this commercial is no different.
First of all, I’m supposed to believe that Cady is a guidance counselor? I don’t care if she’s 20 years older now (omg we’re all so old!!!!!), no one that clueless will have the ability to counsel anyone. Have we forgotten she accused a teacher of dealing drugs? She vomited on a hot dude?
Ms. Heron?! I don’t think so, someone call the school board immediately!
Secondly, and a bigger gripe perhaps, Cady’s voiceover confirms that on Wednesdays we still wear pink. Well, Cady, where the hell is your pink then?! Not wearing pink in your office and not wearing pink at the winter performance, despite every other character wearing it!!! Even Damian is in his iconic oversized pink t-shirt in the hallway. Where is your pink?!
Let’s Make Grool A Thing
Now that I’ve heard it again, I’ve got to admit that “grool” has such a ring to it. Like aside from being a cement-like oatmeal some orphan would eat in Annie, it could also be the perfect adjective. If we can say things like “rizz” and “delulu” with a straight face, we can definitely pull off “grool.”
Damian Deserves Better
Big slay to see Damian in the commercial, working the lights at the show and then in the hallway with Cady, but they did Damian dirty. He had one line in this entire commercial and it was “ladies”?!?
No mention of someone not even going to the school (She doesn’t even go here!) or a return of his beloved Glen Coco. To stay on brand, he could’ve mentioned someone’s hair being so big and then they cut to some hair styling products on sale at Walmart. Honestly, Walmart, feel free to hire me for your next commercial!!!
Why is the book blue?
Okay, final shot of that random plate of Toaster Strudel and it’s on a… blue book?? Like, I get it, it’s Walmart’s colors, but why are you wasting this opportunity? It’s just not sitting right with me. Give me the damn pink Burn Book and call someone a fugly slut already. We’re all waiting for it. Better yet, start selling Burn Books for teens to make their own. I’m sure that’ll do wonders for bullying!
We Need a Sequel ASAP
This has proven that there is no excuse for the lack of a sequel to Mean Girls. Do not even get me started on Mean Girls 2, it does not count and does not deserve to carry the title.
I mean a sequel with the full cast. They’ve got the looks, the chemistry, and the need for a quick buck clearly. Like Regina tries to take over the Parent-Teacher Association of the school. Or Cady lied on her resume to get the job and is trying to impress the kids (only way she could’ve got this job). Come on, let’s make this happen.
Capitalism Has Got Me Good
I know capitalism is a totally bad thing but I can’t deny that this commercial has me wrapped around its little finger. I watched it about five times in a row and I can’t wait to watch it again. My little millennial heart exploded at the familiar faces. I have been convinced to go shop at Walmart immediately. Take all of my money, even though I don’t have much of it to offer, just take it!!! I’ve also never remembered so much info from a commercial, and now I need to look into Walmart Plus…
Missed Opportunities For Shopping Delights
They missed some easy opportunities there. I almost wonder if there were any actual Mean Girls fans at the writing table. But there must be as who ISN’T A MEAN GIRLS FAN?!!
Where is the period girl? Did they forget the name of the actor so they couldn’t reach out? You know who I mean, “It’s not my fault I have a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!” This was a great opportunity to showcase their menstruation line and sell some jumbo tampons!
“Is butter a carb?” I don’t know but it 50% off on pink Wednesdays!!!!
You too can “smell like a baby prostitute” with our new selections of perfume and body washes!
If you’re hungry after Caesar stomping all of you, get our Caesar salad dressing, now with free croutons!
Now selling the “ugliest effing skirt” you’ve ever seen, over in aisle twelve!
You’re so very welcome xoxox
