The Wedding Ceremony
Well, you guys, we made it. The season 5 finale of Vanderpump Rules. A lot has happened in these 21 short excruciatingly repetitive weeks, but I’m obviously not going to revisit any of it because you can just read my fucking recaps.
Katie looks beautiful, nothing bad to say here. I do feel bad for the bridesmaid who has to hold their dog, though.
Katie looks beautiful, Schwartz nearly choked up looking at the woman he has spent the past 4 years fighting with is going to marry as she walked down the aisle.
Lisa: We’re all here tonight to unite the love of Katie and Schwartzy. Being married for 34 years I have some advice: run. It’s important that you say “I love you” at least once a day, never go to bed angry, and never text on tequila.
Honestly, this was perfect. Lisa, this is my formal invitation to invite you to officiate my wedding.
Lisa: Tom, Bubba would you like to say your vows?
I will never understand the Bubba thing.
The Vows
I’m impressed that Schwartz used the word “fledgling” in his vows. Does anyone else in the bridal party aside from Stassi know what that word means? I also love that Schwartz gave Kristen a shoutout during their wedding for introducing them; it will probably be her only positive shoutout this wedding. Personally I’m hoping she punches someone in the face. Anyway, Schwartz’s vows ALSO include shade at Jax for being a man slut. Schwartz killed the vow game. If there is such a game.
Schwartz starts crying, Katie’s crying, Lisa’s crying, I’m crying, my roommate’s cat is crying. Sandoval is crying and wiping his tears not heir dog, which honestly doesn’t even shock me. But that is disgusting, man. You’re gonna get a disease.
Katie’s vows are equally touching UGH I’M DONE. I’m crying into my wine. This is me:
Wonder if Katie will ever miss an opportunity to bring up the ring on a string. Will Schwartz ever live that down? Tune in next season for the answer, which is “no.”
High thought: Is Schwartz Jewish?
The Party
Stassi: I used to think Jax and I were the glue that held this group together. Now I see that it was Tom and Katie that hold this group together. Jax and I are just the glue that everybody sniffed.
I definitely think the reality TV show deal and everyone’s mounting credit card debt are the glue that holds this group together, but sure.
Kristen: I’m ready to put a real one on it so I can stop wearing a fake engagement ring.
^Proof Kristen is still crazy. YOU NEVER HAD ME FOOLED, KRISTEN. Who tf wears a fake engagement ring? And isn’t that just a ring?
Tom and Katie might be the first couple to ever eat at their own wedding. Mazel!
Sandoval slides up to Lisa and I’m just now noticing he’s toned down the Stacy London highlights. Bravo. Lisa, in true Lisa fashion, is like “But what about you? You want to marry Ariana don’t you? What are you gonna do?”
Sandoval is like “I’ve never asked her” and Lisa’s like “but how do you know?” Lisa, do you watch this show? God forbid Ariana do anything that other girls do. She would probably combust.
And then Lisa asks Sandoval to partner with him when she opens up a new bar. $10,000 says he starts crying. I don’t even have $10K. Which is good because I would have actually lost it on this bet. How is he not crying rn?? It’s like I don’t even know Sandoval anymore.
Where the fuck has Shay been this entire wedding? He’s just lurking off by himself in the corner like everyone’s creepy uncle at the family reunion.
One of Schwartz’s unidentified triplet brothers gives a speech that’s like “I love you man, you’re so beautiful, you and Katie are so beautiful so you’ll have beautiful kids” aka what I say to every drunk girl I meet in the bathroom.
Billy (the previously unidentified triplet brother)’s second speech involves calling Tom a “pimp” and a “badass motherfucker.” While the entire party is like:
Stassi’s speech is uneventful which is a huge departure from her previous roast. I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you!
Jax takes Brittany off into a corner of the wedding to tell Brittany he doesn’t think things are going well for them anymore.
Jax: I love you as a person but I just think …. PSYCH!!!
WOW I would fucking smack Jax in the face. Brittany is FAR too mild-tempered. Jax lucked out.
Jax: That being said I want you to know marriage is going to happen, it’s just a matter of when. — aka I’m going to lead you on about marriage for the next 3-5 years until you either strong-arm me into popping the question or you get fed up and leave.
Lisa to Katie: When do you think you’ll have a baby?
Lisa, they JUST got married. Calm the fuck down. They also just spent $51K on their wedding which is probably all their money.
Ariana: I love weddings. — SOMEBODY ALERT THE MEDIA. Ariana, Cool Girl™, loves weddings.
Scheana: Just have a wedding, Tom can wear a dress.
Honestly he’d be into that. I’d recap the shit outta that episode.
Ok Sandoval does cry when telling Ariana about Lisa’s offer. So ok I will now take my $10K. I’ll include my Venmo handle at the end of this recap.
Sandy (what I’m calling Sandoval aka what I should’ve done all season because my fingers are tired): I’ve never felt anyone more worthy of reproducing with you.
Awww, how sweet?? Tom’s proclamations of love be like:
Sandy: Until I met you I never wanted to have kids and now I want to, so… will you go off your birth control?
JK lol. He says, “Can we get married at some point?” and her response is “What the fuck? I don’t know.” Well that went… pretty fucking horribly.
Lisa and Stassi grinding at Katie’s wedding is something I really never thought I’d see. #WhatATimeToBeAlive
Kristen: I wear Mony’s ring size. Hint hint.
Well there’s a subtle way to do things and that is NOT it, Kristen. Carter, I’m gonna say what I said to Schwartz: GET OUT.
^Probably a real scene of spending the rest of your life with Kristen would be like tbh.
Lisa would call her new restaurant Tom Tom? Ugh, that’s even worse than Sexy Upscale Restaurant. Come on, Lisa. You need to hire some consultants. These names are garbage.
Schwartz is being such an idiot. “I can’t take your free bar, it’s too much pressure if it fails.”
Side note, what is Schwartz’s job? He doesn’t bartend. He doesn’t sell sangria. He has like, one photoshoot per season.
Stassi and Ariana are having a not-forced-at-all conversation.
Stassi: Why don’t you ever put me in your Snapchats?
Ariana: Oooh my phone died.
Classic.
Stassi’s like “Ariana, that’s mean.” And Ariana’s like “yep.” I am really identifying with Ariana rn. And it’s making me hate myself a little more.
Ariana is like “I’m busy and when I’m not working I don’t feel like making new friends.” The excuses people come up with when they just don’t want to do things. Like, calm down. You’re not Drake. Everybody has TIME to make new friends. They just don’t want to.
Ariana starts crying and is like “It’s weird IDK why I’m doing this right now what are these heteronormative drops of liquid coming out of my eyes?”
Ariana: Don’t say I’m mean. I’m not mean. I’ll kill you.
Stassi: How would you kill me?
Ariana: I’d do it slow.
Stassi: Oh baby.
Stassi is visibly turned on listening to Ariana describe how she’d murder her. This was probably more information about Stassi than I needed to know. They both discover they love murder and thinking about killing people (who doesn’t think about killing people) and are like #MurderForLyfe!!!
White girls? Who like murder?
Sandoval: “Surprise I brought my trumpet!” STFU Sandoval nobody wants to hear you trumpet squeaking semi-along to the music. They paid an actual band for a reason.
Kristen screams out I’M NOT OVULATING! at the end of their wedding. Well, that was weird.
Is Bravo honestly wasting half a minute of my time with the guys debating if Leo was raped or not by the bear in The Revenant? You cut crucial details of Scheana’s conversation with Shay for that?
The Other Shit (aka The End Of Scheana’s Marriage)
Scheana rolls up to Lisa’s house in tears. HERE WE FUCKING GO. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. The dissolution of Scheana’s marriage. Is it bad that I’m living for this?
Scheana tells Lisa that Shay goes MIA for six days and comes back, and he hasn’t been staying with her in weeks.
Scheana: I’ve been acting like everything’s all peachy keen and rainbows and it’s not.
The entire world:
Scheana tells Lisa about how she has overdraft protection and she looked on her app and there should have been 7 grand in her account but there was $32. In other words, as we previously reported, Shay ran away with all Scheana’s money. Also, salty commenters, they have way more money than you thought they did. Now look at your life, look at your choices.
Scheana: We were talking about starting a family next year, saving up for a house.
Lisa/the entire world/Shay’s sperm, probably: Nooooooooo
Scheana apparently found out Shay has been lying and taking Adderall. Which would be fine for your sorority sister during college but is not chill if you’re a recovering drug addict.
Scheana: I want him to look me in the eyes and lie to me and tell me he’s not taking anything.
Scheana: I’m going to meet with a divorce lawyer because I’m done.
Damn well that escalated quickly.
Shay comes in and Scheana’s already sitting on the couch like his mom waiting up for her daughter after the prom. Scheana be like:
Scheana: Did you pierce your ears?
Shay: It was kind of a dare.
How old is he? Shay is really skipping out on his marriage to pierce his ears like he’s a fucking member of NSYNC?
Scheana: Why didn’t you come home?
Shay: I needed to figure some things out without everyone. — huh?
Shay’s like “you never listen but I got your attention when I didn’t come home, right?” So just in case you doubted, from the previous ear piercing, we are definitely dealing with a mature adult here.
Shay taking the NSYNC thing full circle and being like “No matter what I do I feel the pain, with or without you.” Ah, that explains the earrings.
Shay says Scheana doesn’t take care of her. Scheana brings up the fact that he basically has no net worth without her. Shay’s basically like “Yeah but you never cook me dinner anymore” and in his head he probably thought “and you don’t put away my clothes or clean my room.”
Scheana: How do you stay at the studio all night without drugs?
Shay: When you find something you’re passionate about you’ll understand.
Oh my god. This is fucking laughable. Red Bull exists, and the best lie you could come up with was “the passion keeps me awake”?
Scheana: This relationship needs to be done on paper. I’m meeting with a lawyer on Friday.
Why do I feel like we missed the actual conversation entirely and they just refilmed this confrontation for the sole purpose of our viewing pleasure? Scheana went straight from “Are you on drugs?” to “This marriage is over” without even confronting him about the Adderall or giving him an ultimatum or even trying to work on things or even doing a trial separation. I feel kind of guilty that they had to probably relive their entire divorce decision. But not that guilty because it made for good television. I’ll see you all in hell!
Scheana: Everything isn’t supposed to last forever.
EXCEPT FOR THE VOWS YOU TOOK UNTIL DEATH DO US PART. Those are supposed to last forever.
Scheana has so much Botox she can’t even cry.
I still have a lot of questions about this confrontation. Why didn’t Shay say anyhting? Will he ever speak? Now that he’s presumably off the show, we may never know. RIP Shay.
