If you’ve spent any time on social media over the past few weeks, you have probably noticed that wedding season is back with a vengeance, because apparently every postponed wedding from last year is taking place right the fuck now. Which is… fine, it’s fine. I mean covid rates are on the rise, the Delta variant is all “aww you’re vaccinated that’s cute, lol”, and I remain aggressively single. But yea, it’s fine. I’m so excited for all of the happy couples that have been waiting for over a year for their special day. I’ve been waiting for 30+ years and still have at least a few to go but yes, this is so exciting for you—love wins!
However, as a representative of the single female wedding guest contingent, I do have a few suggestions for those still planning their nuptials. I know this is supposed to be your day, but what if it…wasn’t? What if it was my day? What better way to celebrate your love than to set me up to find
a drunken hookup love?
If you’re going to invite us single ladies and you don’t want us to end the evening with a text to our ex, please consider incorporating the following suggestions:
A Viable And Proportionate Pool Of Single Attendees
If all of your friends are single females, then you better recruit a nice group of men (or additional women seeking women) for us to choose from. “None of my male friends are single” is not an excuse for there to be absolutely no one for me to take free tequila shots and go home with at the end of the night. Go watch I Love You, Man and make some new single friends. And it wouldn’t hurt for you to put some thought into matchmaking ahead of time. Share our social media accounts, a detailed spreadsheet of single guests, a brief bio, and a column where we can call dibs.
It’s not like you’re busy planning a wedding—you planned this over a year ago.
I get it, you thought we’d be past this point by now (really underestimated America’s ability to fuck things up, didn’t ya?) and you booked an indoor venue. It’s hot out, it’s humid, and everyone wants an air conditioned room to dance in. But we also deserve a Delta-free zone. So please, give us a balcony, a little patio, a romantic rooftop deck, something . I want to make out with a groomsman and I want to be surrounded by fresh air, not virus particles, while I do it.
Let’s not just let anyone get up there and speak. There should be auditions, required rehearsals, and some off-limits phrases like: “what a year we’ve had”, “unprecedented times”, and absolutely any mention of grandchildren. Like, okay parents, sure you paid for this wedding but that doesn’t mean they owe you anything. Honestly, I’d be happy to rid the reception of this tradition entirely but if you must include a speech segment, please make sure I am given the opportunity to practice my stand-up routine that just happens to mention that I am single. Let’s also move speeches to later in the evening. We love a drunk father of the bride.
Toss The Bouquet Toss
It’s embarrassing enough as it is to show up to a wedding alone—must we also publicly shame every unwed woman? And if you are even considering a garter belt toss, please check the origins of that tradition and get back to me with an apology. Some alternative organized activities could include:
- Speed dating during the cocktail hour
- That game we played at Bar Mitzvahs where we had to sit on each other’s laps
- Singled Out: choose your favorite single friend (I volunteer as tribute) and play a full round of everyone’s favorite MTV dating game
Show Lizzo Some Respect
You went with a live band instead of a DJ? Fine. That live band is made up of a bunch of dudes that look like they could be Mumford’s sons? Okay (are any of them single?). They have Lizzo on their song sheet? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I do want to do my hair toss and check my nails, but I don’t want a white man with a hipster mustache telling me to do so.
If you have complied with my previous requirements, then sure—go ahead and seat me at a singles table. But, and this is a Kardashian-sized but, if you have not made sure the singles at said table are viable hookup options and solid conversationalists, don’t you dare. Instead, you could just try seating us with our friends or, and I realize this may be controversial—not assign seats? Who doesn’t love a free-for-all? Works just fine for Southwest Airlines!
Yes, for me—because marrying the man/woman of your dreams is the only gift you need, right? You have a two income household now, and I don’t have enough plates to get me through the week. I’m registered at Target.
Image: Leah Flores / Stocksy.com