It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a decade since Gwyneth Paltrow launched Goop in 2008, but it’s really been a journey. She said at the Golden Globes that she’s “semi-retired from acting,” which is sad, but considering all the Goop-related things on her plate, it makes sense. Last week, she announced that Goop is getting a Netflix show (review coming later this month), and over the weekend, she went viral for a new product on her site: a Vagina-scented candle.
If you rolled your eyes when you first heard about this, congratulations, that was the correct response. But after the initial shock wore off, my curiosity got the best of me. I found myself on the Goop site for the better part of an hour, scrolling through pages and pages of products that I either can’t afford, can’t imagine myself using, or both. If you want to browse Goop for fun, I highly recommend sorting price high-low, because it’s a great laugh, and probably the only time in your life you’ll be able to to that. But if you have actual important stuff going on in your life, I’ve rounded up some of the most ridiculous products you can buy from Goop. Sit back, relax, and prepare to feel poor.
This Smells Like My Vagina Candle – $75
As I mentioned, this candle recently went viral, and has subsequently sold out. Good for Gwyneth. I feel like selling out a candle that’s allegedly vagina-scented means you’ve reached the highest level of getting people to buy into your bullsh*t, and it’s honestly impressive. Like, you know every single person who bought this just did it for the hype, and that’s more powerful than any scent. Speaking of the scent, it’s kind of hilarious how much this got blown out of proportion. The site clearly states that the candle is made with “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed,” so like… I think the name is just a gimmick. Whatever, it worked. Does this candle smell good? Who knows. Do I want one? Absolutely.
Gold Handcuffs – $425
Anyone who’s gotten into kinky sex has probably tried handcuffs (or at least thought about it), but yours were probably like, $20 max. Or maybe you balled out and spent a little more on some legit metal ones, but chances are you didn’t drop $425 to humor your boyfriend’s bondage fantasy. But if that’s what you’re looking for, then these 24k gold-plated handcuffs are exactly what you need. Look, I like nice things as much as the next person, but I feel very confident that shelling out for gold handcuffs isn’t going to make your sex life better. Rich people are weird.
Olga Vibrator- $3,490
If you liked the gold handcuffs, you’ll go crazy for the $3,490 gold dildo. In terms of pleasure, I won’t knock it because I can’t afford to try it, but I do feel like an orgasm can only feel so good. Like, there has to be a maximum amount of pleasure a person can experience, whether you’re spending $30 or three grand. But I guess this can double as a really fancy paper weight too, so like, go for it.
Gold Chrona Chandelier Earrings – $43,200
Look, I know the stuff for sale on Goop’s site isn’t meant to be affordable, but even this feels like a bit much. Actually, a lot much. These earrings cost a whopping $43,200, which is uncomfortably similar to what I make in a year. I can’t imagine they actually sell a lot of these, because people who buy this level of jewelry probably have like, private jewelers who like, come to their house with a briefcase or some sh*t. I saw Uncut Gems, so I know how this works. But there’s only one pair of these earrings in stock currently, so hop on that.
Firewood Tote – $499
I hate it when I go chop down a tree, and then I have to carry the firewood back with my hands like a peasant! Thankfully, Goop sells this chic leather firewood tote for a cool $499. Gwyneth Paltrow is out her changing lives with this sh*t. This tote can also hold the firewood once you get it inside, but let’s be honest, if you can afford this, it probably won’t go with your living room aesthetic. Maybe you can keep it in the servant’s quarters?
Platine Casserole Dish – $1,220
You thought your cousin was stuck up for asking for some $60 pots and pans on her wedding registry, but just be glad she didn’t ask for this $1,220 casserole dish. That’s right, you can spend over a grand on a CASSEROLE DISH. Do people even make casseroles? I’m really asking, I know nothing about cooking. Before you click on the link, no, this isn’t made out of silver, or gold, or diamonds—it’s titanium and brass. Idk, seems like a scam to me, I’ll just keep spending way too much on Seamless.
Jade Egg – $66
Of course, I couldn’t write this article without including what is perhaps the most infamous Goop product: the jade egg. Last fall, Goop was slapped with a $145,000 fine for making unsubstantiated claims about the benefits of sticking these eggs up your vagina, but they’re still for sale on the website. Making far-fetched claims isn’t a good idea, but what’s even worse is that gynecologists have said that using jade eggs is actually harmful. This might be the least expensive product on this list, but I still think it’s the most ridiculous.
Please, please, please comment or DM me with your favorite Goop nonsense, because I could talk about this sh*t for days. In the mean time, I’ll just be busy trying not to spend my entire paycheck on crystals that definitely don’t work.
Images: Goop (7)
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