An Exclusive First Look At Melania’s Dating App Profile

Now that the 45th president has been impeached (twice) and is officially on his way out of office, there’s a chance — after four years of half-assing a job she never wanted in the first place — Melania might make a break for it and get a divorce… especially if you consider the countless times she looked as if she’d rather be pricking herself with thorns in the Rose Garden than standing next to her own husband. For four years that have felt like entire lifetimes, we’ve watched her swat away his hand and look distressed after interacting with him. We’ve seen her overall body language change when they were together, with Twitter often responding: “Blink twice if you need help!” It’s possible their marriage could end when this administration does — even people in Vegas are betting on their split! 

Here’s her imagined dating profile as she “explores” what else might be floating around in the dating pool for a former First Lady. 

Tell us more about yourself in order to start finding love! 


Mel T.


49 (40 without heavy eyeliner)

About me: 


Honorary degree in (none of your) Business from Trump University


Former model, lady (first), cyberbullying expert, rose garden destroyer

My politics: 

I am fiscally bored and socially complicit. And moderately horny.

Notes on past relationships: 

Just climbing out of a 15-year marriage where I was the man’s third wife. In America, they say, “third time’s the charm,” but there is a similar saying in Slovenia: trikrat je preveč, Melania, prosim, ne delaj tega, which means, “three times is too many, Melania, please don’t do this.”

My love language: 

Gifts. Affirmation. People doing services for me. I can do without quality time and physical touch, per my last relationship. 

Looking for someone who…

Doesn’t have the blood of Americans on his hands. Or anything on his hands. I’m a germaphobe and not much of a hand-holder, honestly. 

I’m interested in those who…

Hate all the same things I do: the color orange, fast food, America, smiling, golf, Christmas.

I expect my partner to…

Always be best. Be best boyfriend. Be best caretaker. Be best quiet man.

Best place I’ve ever traveled to is…

My separate bedroom every night. 

First thing people notice about me when I walk in a room…

“Why is Melania in this Applebee’s?” (I hate America, but I do love classic American things, like eating at chain restaurants and lying.)

On a typical Friday night, I am…

Working on my vision board, which is just covered in pictures of me and ads for meditation apps. 

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done in the last year? 

You’ll have to ask my body double. 

What I love most about my friends is…

When they don’t secretly record me.  

Fun facts about me: 

I became a U.S. citizen in 2006. I regret it. I’ve had Covid. I miss my gold-plated toilet in New York City.

I am passionate about…

Children not being cyberbullied. (Adult bullying is fine.)

My favorite animal:

Anything I can wear.

My hobbies: 

I don’t care, do u?

My favorite book:

Stormy Daniels, Full Disclosure (audiobook), and any magazine with my picture in it.

My favorite song: 


My favorite TV show: 

90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way. (I dream of taking a nice, rich, boring American back to Slovenia and thriving.)

My ideal date:

Whatever day my ex signs all the paperwork. 

Two truths and a lie: 

I am six-feet tall. I love my ex’s children. I don’t know what “gaslighting” means. (Sorry, I thought it asked for all lies.)

You should message me if…

You would do something nice for me on my birthday instead of calling into Fox News to tell me happy birthday.

I am most proud of…

Being a fashion icon. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful clothes — I just start buying them. It’s like a magnet. Just buy. I don’t even wait. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can wear anything. Pussy-bow blouses. You can do anything.

A quote I live by is…

“When they go low, we go high. – Michelle Obama” — Melania Trump 

Images: Evan El-Amin /

A Brief History of #FakeMelania

There’s one person in Trump’s inner circle who isn’t given enough credit for just how hard they work and that is, of course, his wife. No, not Melania, but the body double who plays Melania. Is it true the First Lady has an impersonator? No one really knows (except of course, Melania and her body double.) Either way, there’s no way Trump has detected a difference between his ice queen wife and the many actors she has spending time with him on her behalf.

Where did these rumors about the many women subbing in as Melania originate? Let’s take a look.

October 2017: The First Fake Is Spotted

Trump spoke at a US Secret Service training facility with his wife by his side, but people of the world wide web wondered who hid behind those cartoonishly large sunglasses.

Let me save you some time from looking it up. It's not her.

— (@JoeVargas) October 18, 2017

May 2018: Melania Missing

In between the #FakeMelania sightings it should be noted that the First Lady was not seen by the public for like 25 days. Perhaps she was holding a casting call for more body doubles? Maybe they were all on some sort of retreat together for an immersive theater program?

March 9, 2019: Alabama

Almost a year and a half later, the body double is spotted again. This time, again at Trump’s side, while he visited the site of Alabama’s deadly tornadoes. Twitter is lit up again with the conspiracy that someone is being hired without tax dollars to impersonate the world’s most boring woman.

The recasting of Melania is the worst I've seen since they recast Aunt Viv in Fresh Prince #fakemelania

— James Corscadden???? (@jamescorscadden) March 9, 2019

March 13, 2019: Trump Tweets

As is the recurring theme with all of our president’s tweets, he lashed out at the fake news for orchestrating this #FakeMelania conspiracy theory. What he did not notice and you, dear reader, likely did is that the person who started this theory’s handle is currently “BuyLegalMeds.Com” which sounds straight out of Trump’s Russian bot fever dreams, and not, say, a national media outlet.

The Fake News photoshopped pictures of Melania, then propelled conspiracy theories that it’s actually not her by my side in Alabama and other places. They are only getting more deranged with time!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 13, 2019

The Verdict?

This conspiracy theory is likely just that, a conspiracy theory. And realistically, what woman other than Melania would willingly sign up to hold the president’s hand? No Oscar is worth that much acting. But at the same time, Melania going to such lengths to avoid holding his hand is also incredibly relatable. A mystery is remains…

Me: I can't deal with all this fake news, it's harming American democracy

Twitter: Melania Trump has a body double


— Sam Stryker (@sbstryker) October 18, 2017

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Wtf Is Up With Melania’s Scary Christmas Decorations?

Christmas used to be a magical time of year when you’d spend time with family and eat pie for breakfast. But now it is ruined. No, it’s not ruined in the way that your racist uncle thinks it’s ruined. (IDGAF if people say Happy Holidays or whatever.) As long as I’m off work, people can say whatever the hell they want. But the reason Christmas is ruined is actually coming from…inside the White House.

Melania Trump upheld one of her contractual FLOTUS duties and debuted the White House’s holiday decorations which are more of an affront to the Lord Baby Jesus than any PC-holiday language or red cup could ever be. Instead of a traditional press preview, she stayed true to her family name, skipped that, and tweeted out this short video:

The People’s House @WhiteHouse is ready to celebrate Christmas and the holiday season!

— Melania Trump (@FLOTUS) November 26, 2018

Where to start?

The official theme is ‘American Treasures’ which must be an homage to the last remaining precious trees rescued from West Coast and decorated for the East Wing. Also, this family simply cannot have a theme that doesn’t reference wealth in some way.

Then we have the hall of bloody horrors, or as her offices spins it: “The choice of red is an extension of the pales, or stripes found in the presidential seal designed by our Founding Fathers. It is a symbol of valor and bravery.” Or, they didn’t know what to do with all that blood on their hands from teargassing innocent children and families so they got crafty with it.

Melania looks like she is genuinely lost in a forest and trying to find some Narnia closet to escape out of.

We can’t overlook the wreath of Be Best pencils that no one wanted to use so they gave to a second grader with a Pinterest account.

What Does The Internet Say?

As with anything Melania and/or Trump related, the internet memed this sh*t fast and the results honestly count as the first gift of Christmas. You know what they say, “On the first day of Christmas Twitter gave to me / 1,000 Melania blood tree memes!”

It’s that time of year at White House …

— ✨Rey Skywalker ✨ (@Rey_Sistance) November 26, 2018

Bold choice going with decorations inspired by the Handmaid’s Tale.

— Nick Jack Pappas (@Pappiness) November 26, 2018

“Wouldst thou like to deck the halls deliciously…?” #WhiteHouseChristmas

— Baron Von Goolo (@BaronVonGoolo) November 26, 2018

And of course, we had to get into the Melania meme game too (out of respect for the meaning of Christmas, naturally)…


View this post on Instagram


He’s so mad he’s seeing red

A post shared by The Betches Sup (@betches_sup) on

It’s clear that Christmas has been hijacked by the radical right and that as normal, rational people we must fight to return this holiday to it’s original meaning: texting your high school friends about what bars to get trashed at while you’re all home, and swiping left on dudes from your high school as an act of dominance.

(Images Via: @Flotus)

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Who Is Melania Even Trolling With This Cyberbullying Speech?

There is no occurrence on this beautiful shriveling planet that I understand less than Trump having been married three times and based on how many children he’s had plus a Stormy Daniels’ tell-all, having sex at least six times. But one thing does come close to baffling me just as intensely and that is if Melania Trump is aware that she is constantly trolling her husband? She is either the dumbest woman on the planet or just plays one on TV.

Yesterday Melania Trump gave a speech about the dangers of cyberbullying. The entire time, I’m waiting for Ashton Kutcher to pop out from behind the curtain and tell us we’re being Punk’d. The speech was technically good and on point, probably because Melanina sits front and center to the nation’s number one online terror: her husband. Does she know this?

First lady Melania Trump speaks out against cyberbullying as part of her Be Best campaign, warning against “destructive and harmful” uses of social media

— CNN (@CNN) August 20, 2018

“In today’s global society, social media is an inevitable part of our children’s daily lives. It can be used in many positive ways, but can also be destructive and harmful when used incorrectly,” she said, staring straight faced into the audience.

And what did Donald Trump do to support his wife after her big speech? Sent this tweet about former CIA Director John Brennan, that’s what:

Everybody wants to keep their Security Clearance, it’s worth great prestige and big dollars, even board seats, and that is why certain people are coming forward to protect Brennan. It certainly isn’t because of the good job he did! He is a political “hack.”

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 20, 2018

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if she is intentionally trolling her husband, trolling us, or playing herself. It’s just adding to the tacky and destructive chaos of this administration. Plus, nothing she says will stop me from dragging every member of this political circus online, so consider her campaign moot.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Melania Trump Disappeared For 25 Days And We Have Theories

Cancel the plans to put Melania Trump’s face on a milk carton, because the missing first lady is back in action. It’s been over three weeks since Melanie Melania was last seen in public, but on Monday afternoon, she attended a closed-to-the-press event at the White House to honor Gold Star families, so I guess things are totally fine and normal? Lol jk something weird is definitely going on and I (and the jumbo margarita I’m drinking right now) intend to get to the bottom of it, with some much-needed and well thought out Melania Trump conspiracy theories.

How Did This All Begin?

This all started when the First-Lady-who-never-wanted-to-be-First-Lady went into the hospital on May 14 for a kidney procedure. According to the White House, the procedure was “successful with no complications,” but then she stayed in the hospital for the rest of the week, which set off some conspiracy theory radars, since the most common procedures for benign kidney conditions tend to have you up and out in a day or two. Things started getting more batshit when Donald Trump told reporters told Melania was doing great and “looking at us right there,” and then pointed to an EMPTY WINDOW, and then when Melania’s Twitter account posted a weird tweet about how she was doing that sounded a lot more like POTUS than FLOTUS:

I see the media is working overtime speculating where I am & what I’m doing. Rest assured, I’m here at the @WhiteHouse w my family, feeling great, & working hard on behalf of children & the American people!

— Melania Trump (@FLOTUS) May 30, 2018

Unlike your burnout cousin, first ladies don’t normally disappear for three weeks, so the internet (and I) have plenty of theories about where Melania’s been.

Theory 1: She Got A Face Lift

That “kidney procedure” was totally plastic surgery. Think about it: being married to Donald would give anyone frown lines. It takes way longer to recover from a face lift than it does from kidney surgery, so maybe all this time Melania’s just been icing her cheeks in the dark and wondering why she didn’t marry some other rich guy instead.

Theory 2: She Secretly Moved Back To NYC

I would not be surprised if Melania shimmied down the White House drain pipe (or out the White House sinkhole) in the middle of the night and took herself back to Trump Tower, where she can sit in a gold room and not have to hold anyone’s hand if she doesn’t want to. After all, it’s what she did the first few months of her husband’s presidency.

Theory 3: She’s Taken Refuge With The Obamas

I mean, we all saw that photo where Barack Obama made Melania smile wider at Barbara’s Bush’s funeral than she has in months. Seems like she’d absolutely want to sleep in Barack and Michelle’s spare room, eat their snacks, and remember what it’s like to laugh again. Plus the Obamas are wayyy more receptive to distressed immigrants in need of shelter than the current administration. Sadly, she’s had to return to the White House because, like with parents who kick their kid out of the basement so that they can finally enjoy retirement, the Obamas needed to her to Let’s Move on, even though these were the #BeBest three weeks of Melania’s life.

Theory 4: She’s Doing An ‘Eat Pray Love’

Don’t we all want to eat a bunch of pasta, meditate, and hook up with a hot guy from another country? Maybe Melania’s a basic bitch just like the rest of us.

Theory 5: She’s Out Being Best

Maybe she’s just working really hard on her new “Be Best” initiative.  Stopping bullying is v. difficult, especially when your own husband is the biggest bully in America.

Anyways, I guess she’s back now, although since this event is closed to the press, I have my suspicions that “Melania” will actually just be Jared Kushner in a wig.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

10 Sad Details We Just Learned About Melania Trump’s Life

Melania unveiled her “Be Best” platform yesterday, but a new profile in The Washington Post has us wondering…is Melania the saddest (rich) woman in the world? Aside from the fact that her husband is currently involved in a very public scandal in which he (allegedly) paid off a porn star to stfu about the fact that he slept with her just months after Melania had given birth, Melania’s life has a bunch of other sad details that make you wonder, “How bad should I feel for this woman?”

1. She And Trump Don’t Hang Out

It probably doesn’t surprise you to learn that Melania and Donald don’t spend much quality time these days. In fact, they barely see each other. According to several current and former White House aides, POTUS and FLOTUS rarely even eat together. That makes sense. You don’t get to look like the First Lady by indulging in the president’s favorite meal: 3,500 calories of McDonald’s.

2. They Even Travel Separately

Even when they’re going to the same place, President Trump and the First Lady travel separately. After the story about Trump sleeping with Playboy model Karen McDougal broke, Melania did not walk with Trump across the White House lawn to board Air Force One, instead meeting him on the plane.

Actual footage of Melania on that flight:

3. Trump Maybe Didn’t Get Her A Birthday Present

In an appearance on Fox and Friends which happened to take place on Melania’s birthday, the president said, “Maybe I didn’t get her so much. I got her a beautiful card. You know I’m very busy to be running out looking for presents.” Here’s hoping next year the president gets Melania the one thing she truly desires in this world: a divorce.

4. She’s Never In The West Wing

Melania apparently “rarely sets foot” in the West Wing, where her husband, Ivanka, and Jared conduct the majority of her bullshit. While she will go to the West Wing for “official duties”, she never checks in on the president, and spends most of her time in the East Wing, where she is renovating her own office. Motion for Aaron Sorkin to write a new show called The East Wing that’s just about Melania trying to avoid everyone in her family for four years.

5. She And Ivanka Aren’t Friends

According to The Washington Post, Ivanka and Melania, despite their similarities (both are former models, both have been hit on by Donald Trump), “do not have a close relationship.” When Melania chose not to move into the White House right away, some of her staff were diverted to Ivanka’s office in the White House. Drama, drama, drama…

6. Her Staff Friend Group Is Really Small

Melania has an unusually small staff for a first lady. She currently has a staff of 10 people, which is about half the size of Michelle Obama’s “at it’s peak”. During her husband’s rallies, Melania often holds “meetings with just a few people”. I imagine her invite says something like “It’s just a couple cool people who want to ignore the fact that my husband is destroying the world and you’d better be one of them, beyotch!”

7. She Really Is Doing This Cyberbullying Thing

Even though everyone cyberbullied Melania when they learned cyberbullying would be her focus as First Lady, that hasn’t stopped her from moving forward with the initiative. In March, Melania invited top executives from Twitter and Facebook to talk about internet safety. At the meeting she said she was “well aware that people are skeptical of me discussing this topic,” probably referring to the fact that her husband literally built a career cyberbullying people on Twitter. On Monday, Melania officially announced her “Be Best” platform, which focuses on well-being, social media, and opioids – aka all things her husband needs help with.

8. She’s Down With The Birther Stuff

Speaking of Donald Trump’s cyberbullying, Melania apparently has no issue with the birther stuff. In an interview in 2011, Melania told Joy Behar that “it would be very easy if President Obama would just show it,” and “it’s not only Donald that wants to see it.” They want to see it.” Casual reminder that Melania is an immigrant who brought her parents to the U.S. via chain migration.

9. She Signed A Crazy Prenup

It probably doesn’t surprise you to learn that Melania signed a prenup when she married POTUS 13 years ago, and while we don’t know what’s in it, I think we can all pretty much guess that there isn’t a lot of wiggle room for her to tell her side of the story if/when they divorce. I think I speak for all gossip hungry Americans when I say that if Melania were to spill tea on the president, I’m sure we’d all chip in on the GoFundMe for her legal fees.

10. She Tries To Give Trump Advice

Melania, whose approval rating is wayyyy higher than her husband’s, does try to give him advice from time to time. She apparently has given him advice regarding his tweets, and told him he should be “more concerned” about the Mueller investigation in late 2017. According to anonymous sources, Melania “does not trust” certain members of Trumps staff *cough*Jared*cough*, and that she particularly disliked Steve Bannon. Same, Melania. Same.

So obvs, Melania’s spokeswoman Stephanie Grisham has denied basically every single one of these details. Given the Trump Administration’s sterling reputation for honesty with the press, I guess we should take her at her word.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Images via: Giphy (4)

5 Photos Of Melania Looking Kind Of Happy In Honor Of Her Birthday

Today is the Melania Trump’s birthday, so I have been given the nearly impossible task of compiling some photos of her where she looks genuinely happy. But since I am an upstanding citizen, I put in the work and came across a…few photes where FLOTUS doesn’t look like she’s contemplating the choices that led her to this prison she calls life. Without further ado, here are some photos of Melania smiling in honor of her birthday. Happy Birthday, Melania! May your day be filled with divorce papers smiles!

Barbara Bush’s Funeral

Quiz: Which One Of These Photos Was Taken At A Funeral?

— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) April 24, 2018

Melania famously cracked a genuine smile at the late Barbara Bush’s funeral recently. She was sitting next to Obama, so like, we get it. How could you be within a 10 mile radius of that man and not smile? Also notable that Trump is nowhere in sight in this photo. It all adds up.

Trump’s Inauguration

There we go, there’s a smile! And she’s sharing it with her husb — op…oh…wait. Nope. False alarm.

This Random Stock Photo

If you turn your computer upside down it sort of looks like she’s smiling here. Or if you draw on a smile or close your eyes and imagine her talking to Obama at Barbara Bush’s funeral, that works too.

Hugging Michelle Obama

Wow, the Obama’s really have an effect on Melania. Again, I get it. If Michelle Obama hugged me I’d probably cry tears of joy, which is as close as it gets to a smile for me. Also, for any trolls out there, I know this gif is edited at the end.

This Fun Gif

She looks so happy! Oh, wait…I’m getting word that this is not actually Melania Trump? That’s friend-of-the-Sup Laura Benanti on The Late Show? Oh, okay. My b. Let me just…find another one…

Quiz: Which One Of These Photos Was Taken At A Funeral?

— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) April 24, 2018

Here we go! Oh, what’s that? I already used this one? Fuck it, I give up.

Look, Melania, you don’t have to smile if you don’t want to. That’s your right as a woman. We just hope you’re okay. Happy Birthday, and as a present, we offer you the chance to join the resistance. If at any point you want to join us, blink twice. We’ll come pick you up, but tbh you have to pitch in for gas money.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!


Broast Of The Week: Donald Trump

It’s Presidents Day, which calls for a very special broast of our one, the only, Supreme Leader President Donald J. Trump. For the first time since Ronald Reagan, we finally have a real bro in the White House. Let’s take a look at everything The Donald has done right.

Probably the most important key to Donald’s bro identity is his hair. There’s something so intriguing about a guy with a silky flow, and The Donald’s windswept look is fucking legendary. There are rumors going around that he uses drugs to make his hair grow, but that’s obviously just fake news. Sad! Also worth admiring is his tan—it’s so natural looking. Obama may have been the first black president, but the true testiment to how far we as a nation have come in achieving a post-racial society is the fact that we elected an orange-skinned president. 

Dude is also a fucking wordsmith. Like, his speeches use sentence structures so complex they haven’t even been invented yet. Just wait, 100 years from now this shit will be the new Shakespeare, bigly. Donny is known for not using a teleprompter, which is super impressive considering his speeches are always so concise and logical. 

A crucial part of Trump’s whole image is the hot wife. Donald is on hot wife #3, which is honestly a modest number for a guy like him. Ideally, he would be on wife 6 or 7, but somehow he’s stayed with Melania into her mid-40s, which is probably very tough for him. Somewhere in central Europe, there’s probably a support group for aging models who really thought they would be married to Donald Trump by now.

Speaking of groups, every bro also has to have a solid crew, and Trump’s crew is next level. You’ve got pantydroppers like Mike Pence, Sean Spicer, and especially Steve Bannon—I just love a man who doubts my own humanity. Donald also hangs out with cool girls like Kellyanne Conway—every bro needs a hot blonde friend who may or may not have a meth hookup. 

Trump is a true SAB with a capital S. Know how when your fuck buddy tries to tell you he stayed in last night when you physically saw him making out with another girl at the bar only makes you want him more? Exactly. 

The best part about Trump is that if you hang out with him for long enough, he’ll give you a cool nickname, like “Lyin’ Ted Cruz,” or “Little Marco Rubio.” If you’re tryna chill with Donald, you can likely find him having important policy meetings with a foreign leader on an unsecure phone line and thinking of fun, inventive ways to restrict your rights.

Happy Presidents Day, Donald. We can’t wait to see what the next four years bring.