Now that the 45th president has been impeached (twice) and is officially on his way out of office, there’s a chance — after four years of half-assing a job she never wanted in the first place — Melania might make a break for it and get a divorce… especially if you consider the countless times she looked as if she’d rather be pricking herself with thorns in the Rose Garden than standing next to her own husband. For four years that have felt like entire lifetimes, we’ve watched her swat away his hand and look distressed after interacting with him. We’ve seen her overall body language change when they were together, with Twitter often responding: “Blink twice if you need help!” It’s possible their marriage could end when this administration does — even people in Vegas are betting on their split!
Here’s her imagined dating profile as she “explores” what else might be floating around in the dating pool for a former First Lady.
Tell us more about yourself in order to start finding love!
Name:
Mel T.
Age:
49 (40 without heavy eyeliner)
About me:
- Slovenia > New York City > D.C.
- Monogamously non-ethical
- Mom to one (1) tall son
- Open to something casual and serious. Like a pair of Gucci sweatpants.
- Not looking for a partner in crime. (Already had one of those.)
Education:
Honorary degree in (none of your) Business from Trump University
Job(s):
Former model, lady (first), cyberbullying expert, rose garden destroyer
My politics:
I am fiscally bored and socially complicit. And moderately horny.
Notes on past relationships:
Just climbing out of a 15-year marriage where I was the man’s third wife. In America, they say, “third time’s the charm,” but there is a similar saying in Slovenia: trikrat je preveč, Melania, prosim, ne delaj tega, which means, “three times is too many, Melania, please don’t do this.”
My love language:
Gifts. Affirmation. People doing services for me. I can do without quality time and physical touch, per my last relationship.
Looking for someone who…
Doesn’t have the blood of Americans on his hands. Or anything on his hands. I’m a germaphobe and not much of a hand-holder, honestly.
I’m interested in those who…
Hate all the same things I do: the color orange, fast food, America, smiling, golf, Christmas.
I expect my partner to…
Always be best. Be best boyfriend. Be best caretaker. Be best quiet man.
Best place I’ve ever traveled to is…
My separate bedroom every night.
First thing people notice about me when I walk in a room…
“Why is Melania in this Applebee’s?” (I hate America, but I do love classic American things, like eating at chain restaurants and lying.)
On a typical Friday night, I am…
Working on my vision board, which is just covered in pictures of me and ads for meditation apps.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done in the last year?
You’ll have to ask my body double.
What I love most about my friends is…
When they don’t secretly record me.
Fun facts about me:
I became a U.S. citizen in 2006. I regret it. I’ve had Covid. I miss my gold-plated toilet in New York City.
I am passionate about…
Children not being cyberbullied. (Adult bullying is fine.)
My favorite animal:
Anything I can wear.
My hobbies:
I don’t care, do u?
My favorite book:
Stormy Daniels, Full Disclosure (audiobook), and any magazine with my picture in it.
My favorite song:
Silence
My favorite TV show:
90 Day Fiancé: The Other Way. (I dream of taking a nice, rich, boring American back to Slovenia and thriving.)
My ideal date:
Whatever day my ex signs all the paperwork.
Two truths and a lie:
I am six-feet tall. I love my ex’s children. I don’t know what “gaslighting” means. (Sorry, I thought it asked for all lies.)
You should message me if…
You would do something nice for me on my birthday instead of calling into Fox News to tell me happy birthday.
I am most proud of…
Being a fashion icon. I’m automatically attracted to beautiful clothes — I just start buying them. It’s like a magnet. Just buy. I don’t even wait. When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can wear anything. Pussy-bow blouses. You can do anything.
A quote I live by is…
“When they go low, we go high. – Michelle Obama” — Melania Trump
Images: Evan El-Amin / Shutterstock.com
