Well, fam, just when we thought the Jordan/Jenna drama from Bachelor in Paradise was over, Jenna went and dropped another bombshell last night on her Instagram. And by “bombshell” I mean some photos that look like they were captured on the screen of a Windows 98 computer coupled with the ramblings of a madwoman. God bless these flaming piles of garbage masquerading as human beings and the emotional turmoil they wreck upon themselves. We all have to do our part!
Just to catch those of you up who haven’t been following this sh*t storm of a relationship, things went south for Jenna and Jordan—who were obviously in love and definitely not only together for the likes and followers—like, milliseconds after they got engaged on the finale of BiP when Reality Steve went public with screenshots of texts that all but confirmed Jenna was cheating on Jordan and their entire relationship was fabricated by the people at ABC. Shocker. Jenna has denied the rumors ever since and even hired a lawyer to clear her name. Lol why do I feel like this “lawyer” is about as capable as my sorority sister’s older sibling who claimed she went to law school but couldn’t even break her sister out of Carolina Cup jail?
But back to the bomb Jenna dropped on IG. Last night she posted a photo sequence in which the first photo shows her phone hooked up to…. something? It’s unclear. All I see are random cords everywhere. It kind of looks like a portable charger. So far all this is proving is that she does, indeed, have a phone.
Moving onto the second photo, which appears to be a grainy shot of the first computer ever invented. Seriously, wtf am I looking at? I’m half expecting Reader Rabbit to start uploading any minute. The screen shows that there was some sort of extraction of data that was 100 percent complete, but, like, the only thing that seems 100 percent complete rn is Jenna’s psychotic break. Here’s the entire post:
First of all, we all know the only reason she chose the picture of her phone instead of a glamour shot is because Reality Steve crucified her for it on Twitter. Secondly, I love that she thinks this rock solid evidence proves anything. Like, this “forensic analysis” looks about as legit as if she Google image searched “lab results” and uploaded it to Instagram. I don’t know what this “extraction” device is, but I would like to hook it up to my brain for the next time I take a test and know the answer is buried deep in my subconscious somewhere.
BUT THERE’S MORE. Jenna accompanied this post with a literal novel that reads about as sane as the creative writing assignment I turned in right after my boyfriend dumped me on my birthday sophomore year. I won’t go through her entire manifesto because, like, we would be here until Colton’s season airs next January, which was maybe her entire plan in the first place BUT I’M NOT FALLING FOR IT, B*TCH. So here are some highlights:
“The results from the forensic analysis are in, and I feel compelled to share them with Jordan before anyone else.”
The forensic analysis of what, though?? This is not CSI! Also, the fact that she’s sharing the results with Jordan before the public is suspect in itself. Homeboy DUMPED YOU ON INSTAGRAM and you want to speak with him privately? I feel like this “sharing of information” is happening solely so they can get their stories PR stunt straight. This feels like when Geraldo Rivera made a big hoopla about how he was going to open Al Capone’s vault live on television and built up suspense for weeks, only for the vault to be literally empty. Actually, wow, this is almost EXACTLY like that. I impress myself sometimes.
“I have spent years growing as a strong independent woman who manages her business without the help from any man. It is insulting to hear that anyone would question my character in that way when my biggest passion is to empower women.”
Ah, yes. I know I definitely felt empowered watching you get felt up on a sand dune by half the men of Bachelor nation. Also, in the comments, someone asked Jenna what her business is, and she replied, “I started a social media marketing company and an all women’s social club where we help empower each other, build our businesses, and explore the city together.” Incidentally, this is exactly how every girl from my high school who is in an MLM would describe their “business”.
“I am standing up for myself and any woman who has ever been mistreated, overpowered, sexualized, or made to feel unworthy of sharing her story. I have God and the truth on my side, and in the end that’s all I need. I will not be silenced.”
Okay, look, I’m not saying women shouldn’t stand up for themselves when they feel wronged or misjudged or manipulated, but we’re talking about fake texts here. Texts that have probably gained her thousands of followers and put her face on every major news outlet in America. This is not a sexual harassment allegation; stop trying to make it sound like #MeToo. You don’t have God on your side, Jenna, you just have Mike Fleiss.
Stay tuned for next week, when Jenna reveals it was her all along. Can’t wait to see the tearful glamour shot that accompanies it!
IMAGES: Giphy (2); @jennacooperfit /Instagram (1); ABC
Bachelor Nation never ceases to amaze us with the absurdity that puts their contestants people in the limelight. The Jenna Cooper-Jordan Kimball drama continues but this time, Jordan is nowhere to be heard (but we’ll get to that later). Instead, Jenna Cooper and Reality Steve now have beef. Jenna posted a public statement on Instagram this weekend addressing the text messages Reality Steve posted in his article exposing her fake relationship. Nine hours later, Reality Steve posted his statement on Twitter in response. This is a classic “he said, she said” dilemma told via screenshots from the Notes app, so let me break it down for you.
The Plaintiff: Jenna Cooper
Jenna has accused Steve of publishing “fake texts” and telling “vicious lies” about her. Her lawyers have requested he hand over the text files so they can “forensically examine” them (see below). As well, Steve has been asked to identify who sent him these files and how he was able to “vet” their authenticity. See below for Jenna’s full statement (and gratuitous glamor shot).
I have a few issues with her statement. I get it girl, if these texts weren’t from you then I’d be v pissed. But not once did you mention in your statement that you didn’t cheat on Jordan. Steve explained in his statement that she neglected to mention that the cheating rumor was false. Even Shakespeare would agree, “the lady doth protest too much” aka she’s denying everything so much, it’s basically admitting she did it.
The Defendant: Reality Steve
Steve posted his counter-statement on Twitter following Jenna’s allegations. He stated that Jenna’s lawyers demanded he release the information on who sent him the text messages in question. If he refused to do so, they would assume the messages were “fabricated to harm Jenna.” That seems like a rather large jump to conclusion, but whaetvs, I’m not a lawyer. Keep in mind, which Steve also includes in his statement, that he has dealt with his fair share of drama when it comes to releasing spoilers about The Bachelor so he has done his research on what he is legally allowed to post or not. Here’s Steve’s rebuttal to Jenna’s allegations.
Here is my response to Jenna’s silly Instagram post she put up at 12:30am this morning. Go check it out if you haven’t had a good laugh to start your day… pic.twitter.com/AVIz8mcCRw
— RealitySteve (@RealitySteve) September 22, 2018
Sidenote: lol that Steve’s first instinct was to call out the modeling pic.
The Breakdown
- Reality Steve publishes an article containing what he claims are text messages between Jenna and a man who is not Jordan, basically expressing that she was never in love with Jordan.
- Jenna released a public statement about the messages 10 days after Steve’s original article was published. Why did she wait so long to release a statement? Weird.
- Jenna accuses Steve of hiding behind his lawyer during this whole confrontation but she began this fiasco with her lawyers reaching out to him. Seems rather hypocritical.
- Jenna is asking Steve for the original messages so they can be “forensically examined.” IDK how you forensically examine text messages. Also, Steve was sent screenshots of messages from his anonymous source so that’s not going to help her in a forensic examination (whatever that entails).
- Steve claims that these messages have “been verified they are from Jenna, these are confirmed from her phone number, so in case you have any doubts, just know this has been vetted out.” I have a few issues with this statement in his original article. Firstly, is the only way they were verified is from the anonymous source who sent them? Not so reliable. Secondly, how were they confirmed they were from her phone number and how do we know for sure someone didn’t just spoof Jenna’s number? (Yes, I watch Law & Order: SVU.)
- Jenna is asking Steve to reveal his anonymous source. But by doing this, Steve risks losing his reputation as a reliable source of information and breaking the trust he has with those who provide him with information. He’s also not legally obligated to reveal his sources. Also, unless Jenna has cheated on Jordan with multiple men, why does she need to know the identity of the source?
- Where is Jordan in all this? Would love to get his thoughts.
The Verdict
TBH I’m no lawyer so I can’t say for sure. BUT, I can say that I think Jenna looks pretty ridiculous. If she spent half her time denying the cheating allegations as much as she denies those texts are from her, then maybe she’d be in a different situation. Also, by getting lawyers involved in all this, she’s only prolonging the amount of time it’s going to take for people to forget about this scandal. Like, I don’t really get the point of this. Jenna already lost Jordan; what good is going to come out of this “investigation”? I think it’s also telling that when Reality Steve’s lawyers wouldn’t comply to Jenna’s requests, she took everything public to social media. Would you really do that if you had a winning case? Not according to the fake, honorary law degree bestowed upon me by Dick Wolf.
In any case, I love a good scandal, so I’m excited to watch this circus continue to play out in the media, if for nothing else, so that I can put off thinking about Colton for a little longer. I will be waiting for updates with bated breath.
Giphy: Images (2)
Ooooooookay. It’s been quite the day in Bachelor Nation. Honestly, there’s been so much news, if I hear the word “bachelor” one more time, I may go into cardiac arrest. Unfortunately for me, I have to report on this anyway. Probably the biggest news rocking Bachelor Nation right now (do I sound like Chris Harrison?) has been the news that Jenna Cooper may have been on Bachelor in Paradise for the wrong reasons. It’s been a wild ride. So fam, in case you need a refresher: we found out on Tuesday that Jenna is probably lying to Jordan and some other sad man and using both of them for fame, money, and FitTea sponsorships. Then we found out that Jordan didn’t know. AND THEN Jordan broke up with Jenna for the texts. While Jordan went to talk to the media almost immediately, Jenna remained suspiciously silent. Until late yesterday, when Jenna finally responded. She posted this Instagram:
She writes, in the caption, “I want to start by saying those texts were completely fabricated, and I never sent them to anyone. I did not cheat on Jordan, and I have nothing to hide. I have been extremely open and vulnerable throughout this whole process. I was looking for love, and I found it. I was excited to share this journey with all of you. I am hurt by these fake texts, and that anyone would believe this story so quickly without proof. I have an attorney helping me investigate this hurtful and fraudulent attack on my character. We are evaluating all legal remedies available to punish those responsible.”
All of us:
Sidenote: Did she crouch down next to a planter for this v awkward pic?
So. We have a lot to unpack. First of all, I am an artist, guys. I make a lot of (by “a lot of”, I mean like, “some”) money from photo retouching. Here’s the thing. If you know Photoshop well—or even took an introductory class in it—fabricating text messages is really, really easy. It’s as simple as copy and pasting new texts in an identical font and cleaning up the edges. It would take me maybe three minutes to create a fake text image, but I’ve been photo retouching for years. Give me 20 minutes and I can make anyone lose 40 pounds and also be Beyoncé.
Me giving myself pretend abs:
That said, it is also a huge pain in the ass to swap words and do the responses in the text bubbles. When the messages go from her text to his, each individual text bubble is a different length and different color. You’d have to match the format exactly for it not to seem “off”. Could it be done? Yes. Is it annoying and will take some time and someone who knows Photoshop really well? Yes. This definitely isn’t just any amateur with a Youtube video.
So could these messages be fabricated? Absolutely. It’s fairly simple to do (especially if Text Message Guy hired someone) and would give this guy a lot of attention or power. But that said, honestly, why would anyone bother? Let’s say they are fake messages, what does this rando truly gain? Maybe Jordan wouldn’t have believed him and he got 15 minutes of fame, but Jenna is engaged anyway. Or okay, he wins, he broke up their engagement. Why would Jenna go back to the guy who f*cked up her engagement and shot at a lifetime of FabFitFun boxes? I just have trouble understanding the motive for this.
Honestly, I don’t think these images were retouched. If they were, they were done perfectly, which is a v specific set of skills. I just don’t see why anyone would take the time to do it. There is no reason to. However, playing multiple guys because you’re a scum-sucking road whore seems very Jenna.
That said, we aren’t done here because Reality Steve said he has verified that these messages are from Jenna. How did he do that exactly? It’s a pretty big claim, especially to someone that has supposedly lawyered up. There are a couple ways to verify the text isn’t Photoshopped. First of all, Steve could have met this guy in person. If he showed the text messages on his actual phone, and then proved they came from Jenna’s number, that would be pretty hard to fake. The guy would also have to have had Jenna’s real phone number, which would be easy for Steve to find and prove was real. If he has the real number, I’m going to say it happened.
Another way to verify is if he sent a video of himself going through his phone step by step to the messages and again Jenna’s number. It isn’t impossible to alter video, but let me tell you, it takes waaaaaay longer, is waaaaaay more annoying, and requires someone who really knows what they are doing. I just don’t see why anyone would go through the trouble of doing this to Jenna. She is not a Kardashian.
The last way that I can think of may not work because the messages are over iMessage, meaning they went through the WiFi instead of their cell service plans. However, had they gone through the plan, text messages can be verified from your service provider. So if Jenna is trying to sue someone, that’s probably the first thing they will check. If they can find them, Jenna is sooooo f*cked.
I’m not done, though. Jenna’s sister has gotten involved in the scandal to defend Jenna.
Jordan is not any of my business. But I am Jenna’s sister and for a million reasons I could tell you why it’s fake, mainly because it’s photoshopped. I’m sorry that everyone was misinformed and I just hope that they will see the truth soon❤ pic.twitter.com/GPjac19XuY
— Makenna (@MakennaCoop) September 12, 2018
I’m not really sure what that circle is indicative of, other than the fact that Jenna’s sister has a sh*tty screenshot.
If you zoom in there is a line along the edge of the text box where a picture was laid on top. If only she was allowed to respond????????♀️
— Makenna (@MakennaCoop) September 12, 2018
Oooh, ok. I sort of see it. I don’t know, though. I feel like that could just as plausibly happen from taking screenshots of screenshots of screenshots, or zooming in too far. Also, let’s not forget the real crime here, which is that Mr. and Mrs. Cooper named their daughters JENNA AND MAKENNA.
All in all, it’s a possibility these texts are made up, but it is way more likely that Jenna is just an awful human. There is just no reason to go through this kind of effort for virtually no benefit besides making Jenna look bad. I’m gonna say they are real and Jenna is a liar.
Also if anyone needs fake text messages or photo retouching to look like Beyoncé, hmu.
Images: Courtesy of ABC; Giphy (3)
News broke on Reality Steve yesterday that Jenna has been faking with her relationship with Jordan for the money, and that she is really in love with/leading on some other poor guy who wants to make their relationship public. Through text messages, Jenna explicitly said that she doesn’t even like Jordan and he was in on the scam. Ouch. Then we all watched the completely dull Bachelor in Paradise finale last night, where no one even confronted Leo about his repulsive behavior and we watched two very sad engagements, including Jordan and Jenna’s.
At this point, I’m 1.5 glasses of Sauv Blanc deep when it came to me. I just don’t think Jordan is that good of an actor. Because here’s the thing. Jenna seems very “whatever” about Jordan and she always has. Jordan, however, has seemed Fatal Attraction-level obsessed with Jenna. If their entire relationship was all a scam, are we going to say that Jordan has been pretending to be so in love with her this entire time? Because I’ve got to say—this is a rando male model. Where is his Oscar if this is the kind of sh*t he’s faking? I think it’s giving him too much credit to say that he’s been able to put on such a show this entire season.
It’s kind of like when people accuse the Kardashians of faking marriages and pregnancies. These are people who are famous for having large asses. They don’t know how to do anything. You’re saying that they can deliver these award-winning level of performances during their breakups and childbirths? It’s making them seem much more impressive than what is actually happening: they’re dating a f*cking moron and broke up. They got knocked up and have to get the kid out somehow.
Anyway. It turns out that Jordan is not, in fact, the next Meryl Streep. He told ET he had no idea that Jenna was faking their relationship and is heartbroken and “disgusted” by the messages. Jordan, we all are. Especially because just mere hours ago, we were watching them announce that they planned to get married on next year’s Bachelor in Paradise.
I totally believe him, again, just because I don’t think he’s that good of an actor. But to be honest, I also think Jenna is lying too. She obviously doesn’t care much about Jordan if she has a side piece. She just seems like the kind of girl that is leading on any guy that gives her attention and/or money. Or in Jordan’s case, moderate reality TV fame. I don’t think she’s in a serious relationship with the Text Message Guy, but that she actively fakes relationships with anyone she can. It’s like that How I Met Your Mother episode: she keeps these sad sacks on the hook.
Sadly, no one commented it on the After The Final Rose part of the finale, but that’s because they obviously filmed it before the news broke. I hope Jordan finds whatever self-respect is left for an adult male that wears a RompHim and leaves his discount bin Marilyn Monroe. Don’t let her talk you back into it, Jordan! She’s obviously a sketchy lying liar who lies.
Images: ABC; Giphy (2)
Well, fam, we’re back for (supposedly) the last week of this season of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s not like I’ve been begging for this moment to happen ever since the producers started trying to convince the contestants to make soft core porn with food a thing before each rose ceremony.
This week we’ll find out which couples will ruin their lives by getting engaged to a person they’ve known for about as long as my leftover Chinese food has been sitting in the fridge, and which couples will break up, having just brought shame upon their households by dry humping anything with a pulse all summer. *cough* Venmo John *cough, cough*. Shall we get started?
The episode opens with Kamil still talking about the Russian witch hunt. He’s like “she burned my picture in a fire, she’s definitely a witch,” which is literally something my ex has said about me so, what’s your point, Kamil? Hmm?
The next natural transition here is to introduce a date card into the mix. Joe mentions he’d like a date card because he’s never gotten one before and would like to solidify things with Kendall so production gives it to Jordan. ABC, why do you want me to burn your studios to the ground so bad?
Jordan asks Jenna on the date and it’s going to involve some sort of photoshoot, which I’m sure is code for softcore porn. Mark my words. And it’s wedding themed! I guess ABC was tired of sh*ting directly on the sanctity of marriage and decided to try their hand at perverting engagement photo shoots instead. This should be good. *turns up volume*
JENNA: I’m nervous about this photo shoot. I’m nervous about fake getting engaged. I’m nervous about my feelings for Jordan.
JORDAN: Not now, honey, you’re blocking my light!
Okay, why is Jenna acting like such an anxious freak rn? Could it be the drugs, or is it because they’re making her put on a wedding dress in front of a man she’s been dating for 9 days? I didn’t know she was capable of such rational thought, but okay.
Robby Hayes walks into Paradise and I’m confused as to why new men are still showing up. Is this not the finale? ABC DO NOT PLAY WITH ME LIKE THIS.
CASSIE: Robby is going to have a hard time here because everyone knows what a piece of sh*t he was to Amanda.
SHU:
So naturally Shushanna, who has turned down literally every semi-nice guy to walk into Paradise, starts foaming at the mouth at the sight of Robby and his drawn on eyebrows. Damn, this girl is a psycho and I love it.
Robby asks Shu on the date and she accepts because literally every other girl turned him down first she thinks he felt a connection with her. Godddd this date is so boring. They go on some sort of dinner/date combo that can be summed up in this entire exchange:
SHU: Apparently I’m a witch so be careful.
ROBBY: That’s okay, I bet you’re good in bed.
While the Russian and Robby are on their date, Jordan gathers the girls around to tell them the bedtime story of how Robby screwed over Amanda Stanton and there were receipts to prove it. Ah, yes, I believe I’ve heard of that one before. Scarier than the boogeyman. Meanwhile, Jenna hears the words “douchebag” and “cheater” and looks longingly into the distance.
Cut to Shu and Robby’s date and it actually seems to be going pretty well? Idk how this girl is doing it because I could not take a date with Robby and his blinding veneers seriously.
Back at the beach, the rest of the couples are trying to figure out if their relationships will make it past the tequila shots they took this summer. Doubtful.
Joe tells Kendall that he sees a future with her outside of Paradise and she looks like he just told her she should go lick their communal bathroom floor. MY GOD KENDALL. If you were so petrified of commitment why did you go on a show TWICE where the end goal is engagement? I swear to f*cking god, Kendall, I will skin your ungrateful body and hang it on my wall if you don’t start returning Joe’s love.
YOU DON’T KNOW HOW HE FEELS, KENDALL??
Wait. Tonight’s a rose ceremony? Lol they’re still doing that? I figured production had abandoned them to tequila and their own devices at this point, but okay.
There’s only one rose that’s up for grabs and it’s Olivia’s. She gets to choose between Diggy, who is goddamn snack, or Venmo John, who can offer her the world a rose next week but only if another girl doesn’t walk in first. This choice is so hard!!
Elsewhere, Kendall tells Joe that she loves him but she’s not in love with him and I’ve never wanted to cut someone so much in my entire life. She’s like “we just have doubts about this whole thing” and Joe goes “please stop saying ‘we’ because you know that’s not how I feel.” PLEASE STOP SAYING WE. I AM DEAD.
KENDALL: I don’t know if I’m in love with Joe.
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA:
OMG Joe is leaving?? Just like that? Tbh I didn’t think it was possible, but Joe comes out of this looking even better than before. Joe, call me.
Side note: I’m just imagining these two being stuck at the airport together actively not looking at each other and having their producers speak for them. You know Chris Harrison is somewhere saying “Oh, sorry! We booked you on the same flight. Budget cuts, you understand!”
Meanwhile, we’re still doing the rose ceremony I guess EVEN THOUGH LOVE IS DEAD. Fine. The rose ceremony goes as such:
- Cassie picks Kiwi Jordan
- Shushanna picks Robby
- Annaliese picks Kamil
- Astrid picks Kevin
- Krystal picks Chris
- Jenna picks Jordan
- Olivia picks… Venmo John?! WHAT. I guess nerds are so in this season.
Cut to the next morning and Chris Harrison drags everyone away from the bar long enough to let them know that no new people will be coming to Paradise. He’s like “if you do not leave this beach rn you will be contractually obligated to get engaged by the end of this, k?”
He leaves and couples start abandoning ship left and right. Venmo John after promising to always choose Olivia at the rose ceremony, immediately stutters out that he’s not ready for anything serious but, like, maybe they can hang out when they both get back to LA? So sweet. Cassie and Kiwi Jordan also call it quits.
Lol did Robby just tell Shu “have a nice summer, we’ll hang out soon”?? He might as well have said “don’t expect me to speak to you at Bachelor reunions but do expect me to DM you naked mirror selfies.” Ah, Robby Hayes, please never change die in a fiery car crash already.
Wait. Do they not even get to say goodbye to their friends first? Or finish their breakfast? What about Kevin’s eight-egg omelette, Chris?! You savage.
Kevin and Astrid are up next and I have a feeling Kevin is about to say some dumb shit for no reason.
KEVIN: *opens mouth to speak*
ME: You should be wearing a helmet.
Kevin keeps saying how into Astrid he is, but how he has doubts about progressing their relationship to the next step in the fantasy suite. What? Does he think she’ll be bad in bed or something?
ASTRID: What do you have doubts about?
KEVIN: Well for starters, if I say no to the fantasy suite do I still get my grand slam breakfast?
Kevin says he has doubts about going into a fantasy suite again because he shouldn’t have gone into one with “someone else” and omg he’s totally talking about Ashley I. and her V-card.
ME:
WAIT. And now he’s dumping her? This sh*t is literally bananas. Like, Kevin displays more passion over his homemade salad dressings and eight-egg omelette than he is over Astrid rn. Hope that balsamic vinaigrette will suck your d*ck at night, Kevin!
Chris and Krystal, Annaliese and Kamil, and Jordan and Jenna are all going to the fantasy suites. Literally none of these couples should be getting engaged. Like, I can’t even believe they are making us entertain the possibility that any of these couples made it past Labor Day.
Moving on to the fantasy suites. Annaliese just asked Kamil if he could imagine himself with a girl like her and he came up with a very long convoluted answer that meant nothing but definitely got him laid. I’m sure when we find out at the reunion that he’s been sliding into other girls’ DMs, he’ll blame that little slip up on the language barrier. I see right through you, Kamil!
Meanwhile, Jordan is wearing a monochromatic outfit and telling Jenna he’s in love with her. Jenna says that she thinks God brought Jordan to her and it’s like please don’t bring God into this. God officially would like to be excluded from this narrative.
Jordan just stopped their make out session to fix his hair and my body shriveled up a little. And on that note, I’m out! We’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see which of these couples will actually get engaged spit on the sanctity of marriage. See you betches then!
Images: Giphy (5); @annaliesep /Instagram ; @jennacooperfit /Instagram
Well, fam, once again I find myself shackled to a couch for two hours watching scantily clad twentysomethings butcher the meaning of “witchcraft.” Ah, Bachelor in Paradise, it’s good to be home! I didn’t watch last night’s episode because I was busy living my life, but I did see that Colton and Tia are no longer. I guess Colton wasn’t emotionally ready for a relationship, which is why he just signed up to be in 20 relationships at the same time. Cool, cool.
ABC: Colton is the next Bachelor!
ME: I’d like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I never asked to be part of since summer 2018.
Moving on. Tonight’s episode starts off with a montage of all the happy couples and Venmo John. Seriously, HOW is this guy still here?
Astrid keeps saying that Kevin makes her feel like the most special girl in the whole world as the camera pans to a shot of them talking about salads. I’ve had a more meaningful conversation with my stapler, but okay.
Chris Harrison shows up as everyone is knee-deep in tequila shots and announces that instead of getting sh*tfaced all day they’ll have to be interviewed by former successful BiP couples: Tanner and Jade and Carly and Evan. Good going, Chris! Nothing kills a good buzz like Evan’s disgusting facial hair. Meanwhile, Kamil looks like he’d rather peel his flesh off with a blunt spoon than listen to relationship advice. Same, Kamil. Same.
CHRIS HARRISON: Love can be found here if you really really really want to settle look for it.
They bring out the married couples who immediately start grilling everyone about their intentions. I’m sorry but, Carly, I’m pretty sure your intentions with Evan were to run as fast and as far as possible in the opposite direction. Please.
Jesus god. Every time Evan starts speaking and it reminds me why I’m glad I’m single.
EVAN: Don’t you want what me and Carly have?
WHAT CARLY AND EVAN HAVE:
KAMIL: Yeah, I don’t want that.
Kendall and Joe win the date because apparently they’re the most “stable.” What we don’t see is while they’re making this announcement Mike Fleiss is pointing a gun at Carly and Evan’s heads from behind the cabana.
HAHA. Kendall and Joe aren’t actually even going on a date, they’re just babysitting for the married couples. Laaame. Astrid doesn’t think Kendall should be trusted with a baby because she likes dead things in her hands, and it’s an excellent point. I’ll have child services ready and waiting on speed dial.
Joe is breathing the same air as a screaming baby and every woman in America’s ovaries just exploded at the cuteness. I can’t.
Cut to the rest of the house, who are discussing the prospect of marriage and kids as they pound enough tequila to tranquilize a miniature horse (RIP Lil’ Sebastian). Jordan announces that he’s ready for kids but only if he “finds the right breeder.” Well Jordan, my dog Snowball is AKC registered and available, and after that comment I think she’s about the only one willing to “breed” with you.
Okay, Cassandra is great. She’s being super direct and calling Eric out on all his bullsh*t. He keeps telling her that he really wants a relationship but can’t give her what she wants… which is a relationship. Tbh it kind of sounds like he just wants to bang in Paradise and then never speak to her again and have her be okay with that. Sounds like, oh I don’t know, every guy in New York City.
Eric starts freaking out because Cassie isn’t having it. She dared call him out on his bullsh*t and he starts having a mental breakdown. See, this is what’s wrong with men in 2018. Cassie points out that he’s essentially blowing smoke up her ass, and rather than apologize for assuming a grown-ass woman would like to be treated as his own personal summer toy, he feigns a mental breakdown and leaves Mexico. And everyone praises him for being in tune with his emotions! Meanwhile, if one of these girls *cough* Tia *cough, cough* pulled something similar then they’re “crazy” and “batsh*t.”
ERIC: Angela leaving was really hard on me. She was my girl.
ME: YOU KICKED HER OFF, THOUGH
See, this is a little confusing to me because I didn’t see a gun to Eric’s head forcing him to pick Cassandra over Angie?? I think Eric has multiple personalities or something, because sh*t isn’t lining up.
Wow wow wow wow. He’s waking Cassie up from a nap so he can break up with her. Soooo many levels of f*cked up right here.
ERIC: You awake?
CASSIE: No?
ERIC: Good cause I just wanted to say that I’m leaving. Have a great summer!
CASSIE:
Honestly, good riddance.
So I guess there are no new men coming tonight? Is that why production throws Chris a bone gives him and Krystal a date card? Chris keeps saying how he can’t imagine his life without Krystal, and I love that he conveniently forgets comparing her to an order of calamari in a four-course meal of women. Krystal, does it make you feel better knowing that at least you weren’t the hotel pillow mint he described Tia to be?
Yes, but at what cost sweetie?
Back at the beach, everyone is playing truth or dare like it’s my seventh grade sleepover. Here’s hoping Annaliese falls asleep early and Shushanna sticks her hand in a cup of warm water so she’ll wet the bed. Fingers crossed!
Kamil says that Shushanna freaks him out because she’s always staring at him, and yet he finds Annaliese, a woman who probably peed all over his belongings to mark her territory, normal. Interesting.
Kiwi Jordan also gets a date card and asks Shu on the date since he gave her his rose last week. Logical. She turns him down, though, because she says she’s still into Kamil. She’s like “Carly and Evan didn’t like each other at first either and now they’re married with babies.” Tbh she’s not wrong. Carly literally compared Evan’s personality to a flaccid penis. #NeverForget
Shushanna pulls Kamil aside so she can tell him once again that she will never give up on them. Kamil following her rn is like his mom told him he has to clean his room and she’s not leaving until he’s done. I’m dying. This girl is bonkers. He’s been pretty clear from the get-go that he’s not into her.
KAMIL: I’m not into you AT ALL. Do you understand?
SHUSHANNA:
Annaliese is no better, though. Kamil is really stuck between a rock and a crazy place.
Shushanna says she likes a challenge in a man, but why do I feel like her challenges always end in a restraining order?
Kamil starts exercising his 40 percent of the relationship and makes Annaliese confront the Russian for him. I don’t like that Annaliese calls Shush a witch, though. Like, what, just because she stares at someone too much and may or may not wish bad things upon their significant other, that makes her a witch? ‘Cause if so, then I’m a witch.
KAMIL: Shush has no beautiful inside, just a very beautiful outside which doesn’t match my insides.
Diggy shows up in Paradise and tries to ask Shush on a date but she turns him down because she prefers her men emotionally and legally unavailable. It’s a fair point. Diggy asks Olivia on the date instead, which I think is a wayyy better match anyway.
I love this pep talk Olivia is giving Shush rn. She’s like “I can really see you with Jordan, NOT DIGGY, and you should go on more dates with Jordan, NOT DIGGY.” Subtle, Olivia. V v subtle.
Okay, I’m starting to think Shushanna’s strategy in Paradise might be similar to my strategy for dating in general: complain about being alone but never go on any dates when people ask you.
Fast forward to later that night, and Shu decides that she might actually be into Kiwi Jordan! I’m sure it had nothing to do with that hyper suggestive pep talk Olivia gave her and everything to do with their “connection.”
Everyone keeps calling Shushanna a witch, but do they know what witchcraft actually involves? They’re like “she’s all over the map she must be a witch” but she’s not acting any less insane then I do after five mimosas and a minute alone with my Snapchat followers.
SHUSHANNA: *is honest about her feelings and isn’t afraid to pursue a man*
PARADISE:
Shushanna pulls Kiwi Jordan aside for a date she plans around the fire and he seems genuinely terrified to be anywhere near her and an open flame. Kiwi Jordan tells her “it’s not me, it’s you, because you literally told me to date other people” and she f*cking loses it. She’s like “if you want dessert it’s over there, bye” and then throws herself on the nearest daybed and starts sobbing.
Side note: Shu crying in this day bed is literally me when I can’t find my headphones and want to go to the gym. True story.
SHUSHANNA: I’ll never find love and I’m a f*cking witch!
KIWI JORDAN: That’s just a stumble!
That’s just a stumble! Ah, that’s good. I’m going to use that the next time I vomit in my bathtub instead of the toilet.
IMAGES: Giphy (6); @bach3lornation /Instagram (1); @shushanna_mk /Instagram (1)
It’s barely been 24 hours since America cancelled Leo for being a manipulative piece of sh*t, and already I have to watch a repeat of him gaslighting Kendall. This should be good for my blood pressure. Shall we see what tonight’s episode of Bachelor in Paradise has in store for us?
JOEEEE. BE STILL MY HEART. Joe rescues Kendall from being verbally attacked by a grown-ass man, and all of America just started believing in love again. Seriously, he is too cute. Just watching him be all protective and adorable with Kendall is giving me urges to mount her head on my wall. I mean, she does have working eyes and ears, yes? How could she ever pick Leo over Joe??
I still don’t think he should take her back, though. She made out with another man! He should save himself for someone better. Like me. Obviously.
Okay, is that really the outfit Jenna chose for a rose ceremony? A rose ceremony! She’s wearing soffe shorts and a bra top. It looks like what I wear to the gym take selfies on the bike. Come on.
JK we STILL aren’t at the rose ceremony. Apparently ABC hasn’t been taking my tweets to heart about wrapping this season tf up, because they’re going to drag this rose ceremony out for another entire day.
ME:
Damn. Benoit moves on quick, doesn’t he? He’s got Chelsea cornered in the hammock and, honestly, she could do better. I truly don’t understand why she’s been so overlooked this season. She’s super pretty and not insane. What more do you people want?
Eric gets a date card for reasons that are unclear. If anyone deserves a date card at this point it should be Chelsea! He asks Angela on a date and I’m hoping that now I’ll finally be able to see a personality trait out of this girl. I won’t hold my breath, though.
So wait. For their date they get to hang out in a hotel room? Seriously, what is happening here? There’s a crazy amount of alcohol littered throughout their suite and the staff is being weirdly discreet about the entire thing. What do they think is about to happen here? Angela keeps talking about how this date could end in love, but I think it’s more likely that this date will end in explosive diarrhea. HOW much dairy are they trying to feed these people??
WAIT. They’re getting in a pool now?? After they consumed enough cheese to feed a small country? That’s cruel and unusual punishment. TOO FAR, ABC. Too far.
Back at the beach, Venmo John is trying to steal Kendall from Joe and SHE LETS HIM. Kendall, are you brain damaged? Because I really don’t see another plausible explanation for WHY YOUR TONGUE IS DOWN VENMO JOHN’S THROAT.
KENDALL: I made out with someone else.
JOE: I’m falling for you.
ME:
Joe’s like “I really hope we can focus on each other and my girlfriend stops making out with other guys.” That would be nice, wouldn’t it, Joe?
I love that Leo has completely given up on Paradise and wants to set fire to the whole damn thing. I’d say we’re the same person, except I’m not a manipulative asshole who has done porn.
LEO: Paradise needs to burn to the ground and start fresh.
ME: I can Venmo you money for the matches if you want!
Moving on to the rose ceremony. I’ve only aged 20 years since the last one, but it’s chill. I guess Chris Harrison was busy doing nothing and getting paid for it, so he has Annaliese step in this week to give the inspirational speech at the start of the cocktail party speech. She keeps talking about how great it is that everyone is finding love and she’s acting like she didn’t just meet Kamil yesterday.
LOL. Leo takes a route I usually only reserve for ex-boyfriends, and not only burns his bridge with these people but throws a goddamn grenade on it. He’s like “that was a cute speech, Annaliese, but if you could all just refer to my latest burn book entry, “Paradise”, that would be great!”
LEO: Good luck with Grocery Store B*tch
JOE:
OH SH*T. Joe runs after Leo and is like “say that to my face.” Joe is from South Chicago and probably knows how to make a body disappear can definitely hold his own in a fight. Leo would still be looking for his ponytail holder to get his hair out of his eyes while Joe kicked his ass.
Meanwhile, Kendall is all starry eyed now because Joe is the only man on that island who would actually risk getting his shirt wet to defend a woman’s honor.
OH THERE YOU ARE, CHRIS HARRISON. Nice of you to join us. And he even deigned to give us a little speech! How special. I guess he needed to pop by to pick up his paycheck so he decided to throw a few lines out for the camera while he was there. How kind of him.
Chelsea is the only single girl left and four guys are up on the chopping block this week: Connor, Venmo John, Benoit, and the chicken. It’s like she’s at Baskin Robbins and has the choice of any ice cream she wants, but unfortunately every flavor is poop.
Lol Chelsea looks genuinely terrified at the thought of being wooed by any of these dipsh*ts. Meanwhile, all the men are acting more desperate AF. Benoit keeps trying to make out with her, and Connor has his shirt unbuttoned to his goddamn navel. This isn’t a harem, Connor! Cover up!
So apparently Connor drinks tequila out of a champagne flute and people hate him for it. Honestly, I feel like his drinking habits are the least offensive thing about him.
Ah. It’s all starting to make sense.
Chris Harrison decides to grace us with his presence again so they can start the rose ceremony. The rose ceremony goes as such:
- Krystal picks Chris.
- Kendall picks Joe.
- Tia picks Colton.
- Jenna picks Jordan.
- Astrid picks Kevin.
- Annaliese picks Kamil.
- Angela picks Eric.
- Chelsea picks… John.
WHAT. I felt like her and Benoit actually had some sort of connection, albeit a creepy one. I, mean, how has John managed to stick around for this long?? I’m genuinely perplexed.
Cut to the next morning, and new women are already coming in. Olivia, who was apparently on Arie’s season though I’ve never seen this woman before in my entire damn life, walks in first. Like, could ABC find no relevant contestants this year to bring to Mexico? I would not at all be surprised if Olivia turned out to be some rando they pulled off the streets and are now trying to claim was on Arie’s season. Nice try, ABC.
Olivia chooses John for her date because everyone else said no. I hope he takes that to heart. Okay, why are they crashing this quinceañera, though? Is it not enough that they make a mockery of their beaches every day but now they have to spit on Mexican tradition by making out by the punch bowl? Really?
JOHN: No one gets down like a programmer does
ALSO JOHN:
Back at the beach, another rando shows up at Paradise. Cassandra was apparently on Juan Pablo’s season, which was FIVE YEARS AGO. ABC literally dug this b*tch out of the catacombs. I was still buying Four Lokos with my fake ID when this girl was still relevant, but okay.
ERIC: Damn, baby got BACK
ME: That woman is a mother, Eric!
Eric finds out that the theme of her date is “go big or go home” and he’s like “my last name is Bigger so that’s crazy.” Yeah, it’s crazy how production plans every moment of your life, huh?
OMG. Cassandra asks Eric on the date and HE SAYS YES. Angela is about to be piiiissed. He’s like “I just want to test the waters and the back of Cassandra’s mouth, you feel me?” Ohhhh I feel you, Eric.
I love that Angela just keeps repeating “but we said we were on a break not going on any other dates!” Oh, Angie. Just because you ate six pounds of cheese with a man and said the phrase “all in” does not mean he’s not going to dump you the second someone with bigger boobs comes along. Come on.
And that concludes another riveting episode of Bachelor in Paradise! My mind only melted a little. I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if Eric goes with bigger boobs big or goes home. Can’t wait!
IMAGES: Paul Hebert / ABC (2) Giphy (4); @chelsea_roy_ /Instagram (1)
Welcome back to another thrilling week of Bachelor in Paradise! Last week (was it only a week ago?) Jordan made the grand romantic gesture of spelling out “I’m sorry” in the sand after he let his true personality slip and acted like a sociopath at the last rose ceremony. Happens. Tbh my dog has shown more remorse after getting into the secret stash of treats in my closet than what I’m seeing rn, but fine. So now we’re left with the question of who Jenna will trust with her drugs heart. Will it be Jordan? Or will it be Benoit? Or will I gouge my eyes out by the end of this episode rather than watch these losers fornicate on a beach for one more goddamn minute? Only time will tell!
The episode begins with Jordan and Joe lamenting over the fact that these hoes ain’t loyal. Cut to Jenna who’s reverse cowgirling Benoit over by the beach chairs.
Connor walks into Paradise, but what I find more troubling is that Chris Harrison just alluded that we’re only in the middle of this season. HOW are we only halfway through this garbage show? I’ve already spent 32 hours of my life watching Tia verbally beat a virgin into being her boyfriend and now you’re telling me I might have 32 MORE HOURS TO GO??
Uh ohhh. Krystal is looking at Connor like he’s a gluten-free, sugar-free snack and today is her cheat day. This can’t be good for Chris. *turns up volume*
KRYSTAL: My timing with Chris is just, like, divine.
ALSO KRYSTAL THE SECOND SOMEONE WITH A PULSE AND A PENIS WALKS INTO THE ROOM:
OH SH*T. Connor asks Krystal on a date and she says yes! I love that Chris is so upset with Krystal for doing the exact same thing he did to Tia. He’s like “but you said you were committed to me? And you wouldn’t go on any other dates?”
TIA:
Hello, pot, kettle? Have you met the goose?
Krystal says she doesn’t want to be disrespectful to Chris and then decides to wear a bra as a top on her date with another man. Lol I would love to know her definition for the word “disrespect.”
Their date involves the two of them being buried alive and having a strange man chant at them in Spanish. This feels like less of a first date to me and more of a personal nightmare of mine, but you know, to each their own.
Okay, this date was, like, made for Krystal. The weirder this sh*t gets the more Krystal looks like she’s about to orgasm in that sand dune. Meanwhile, Connor is just feeling blessed that he’s finally in an environment where it’s appropriate to wear a shirt unbuttoned to his navel. It’s the little things, isn’t it, buddy?
Back at the beach, the Jenna/Jordan/Benoit triangle continues. Jordan pulls Jenna aside and says that he’s “basically in love with her,” which is similar to the one time a guy I’d been making out with all night told me he was “basically 21” when I asked if he wanted to go to a different bar. Doesn’t mean much does it, Jenna?
JORDAN: I feel like we’re in a good place right now because we don’t even have to speak anymore. Just dry hump.
If that’s not the foundation for a strong relationship, then IDK what is.
Cut to Jenna, who is already making out with Benoit again. Damn, this girl cannot make up her mind. I mean, it’s either that or the massive amounts of tequila polluting the cognitive parts of her brain.
Okay, I totally forgot Annaliese and Kenny were even a thing. Kenny tells Annaliese he wants to leave Paradise so he can go to his daughter’s recital. Lol I love when these people suddenly remember that they have kids and they can’t just get blackout on a beach indefinitely. I’m sure social services doesn’t look to kindly on that, either.
Meanwhile, Annaliese looks suicidal when yet another guy would rather flee the island than be at the receiving end of her rose. I can practically smell the desperation wafting off her from my television screen. She’s like “Kenny is such a good guy but what about me??”
Kamil walks into Paradise next. If you’ll recall, Kamil is the “social media participant” who told Becca—the goddamn Bachelorette—that he’d only be willing to put in 40 percent of the work for their relationship. What a catch, ladies! These must be the diseased fish people keep saying are left for us in the sea.
God f*cking damnit. I spoke too soon. Annaliese, sensing that a something with a Y chromosome just slithered into Paradise, immediately wants to date him. She keeps talking about how Kamil is so her type, but I mean, production could prop a stick against a palm tree and draw a face on it and she would be like “I see a future with him!!”
Kamil asks Annaliese on the date and they go dune buggying through the jungle. I’m a little nervous that Annaliese might ram that dune buggy into a tree so she can go all Misery on Kamil’s ass and trap him on that island once and for all.
ANNALIESE: I’d say we’re definitely one of the stronger couples now.
If by “strong” she means “is still unclear as to how to pronounce his first name” then, yes, I guess you could say they are a strong couple.
Meanwhile, Kevin and Astrid get their first minute of screen time all season AND IT’S SO HE CAN BREAK UP WITH HER. Kevin, are you f*cking kidding me with this rn?
KEVIN: How can I trust you if you aren’t going on dates with other guys?
ASTRID: Wut
Okay, I kind of see what Kevin is saying here. He has reservations about a relationship that’s fueled by tequila and Stockholm Syndrome, and, like, that’s fair. But he’s not wording this well at all.
Elsewhere, Jordan is trying to re-stake his claim on Jenna. She’s like “do you see yourself getting married in Paradise though?” Oh, honey. If you believe this guy is ready to commit to anything longer than whatever filter is trending on Instagram at the moment, then I’m genuinely concerned for your life choices. Seriously. Where is your mother?
WAIT. JENNA GIVES BENOIT THE AXE. WHAT. I can’t believe she thinks this modern day Zoolander has more potential for a long term relationship than man who is ready and willing to get engaged to someone after sliding into their DMs once.
Moving on to our other love triangle: Kendall, my future husband, and a wannabe 70s porn star Leo. Kevin tells Kendall that Leo made out with Chelsea in the hot tub the other night and he seems shocked that Kendall had no idea about it. Kevin, you had one job! Also, Kendall you can’t really be shocked that a man with hair like that cheated on you. You just can’t be.
Kendall confronts Leo about the whole kissing thing and it is a sh*t show. Tbh the way Leo is responding to someone accurately reporting on actions that he definitely did is super telling. Kendall needs to dump his ass immediately because his behavior is problematic AF.
Leo is, like, trying to fight anyone who makes direct eye contact with him rn. He’s acting like me when Dominos tells me they won’t deliver to my address throwing a tantrum in the pool, and it’s a little scary. Meanwhile, Kevin looks like he just wet himself. Come on, Kevie, you could totally take him!
After a heart-to-heart with Colton over Tia’s limp body (seriously, can someone check and make sure that b*tch is still breathing??) Kevin decides to confront Leo about everything. He’s upfront and honest and I’m shocked ABC let such a thing happen on their show.
Godddd Leo is such a piece of sh*t. He’s totally in the wrong here and is taking out all of his anger on poor Kevin, who thinks the proper way to end a fight is with a Justin Trudeau quote and not with “k.” Bless his heart.
Leo goes back to Kendall to talk things out AND STARTS BLAMING HER FOR EVERYTHING. Okay, seriously, when can we start corralling up all the men and keeping them locked under ground except for procreation? Because it is loooong overdue.
LEO: I kissed another girl, how could you do that to me?
ME AND ALL OF AMERICA:
Okay, IDK how much more of this I can listen too. Leo is giving me emotional whiplash from this conversation and I’m not even in a relationship with this guy. Check out the transcripts:
Seriously, what kind of manipulative sh*t is this? Oh THANK GOD Joe shows up to (hopefully) beat the sh*t out of him with a beach chair. Joe, you’re too pure for this earth!!
And on that note, I’m out! We have to wait until tonight’s episode to see if all of Paradise will rally together and burn Leo at the stake. Fingers crossed!!
IMAGES: Giphy (4); ABC (1); @astridloch /Instagram (1); @pacoismynickname /Instagram (1)
