‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: The Last Line

Well, fam, it’s been the best of times, it’s been the worst of times. And I mean that with respect to this past season of Vanderpump Rules, and not even the current state of the world. Jax and Brittany got married (worst). Stassi and Beau got engaged (fine). Max and Brett…existed (worst). Charli graced our screens (best). Scheana’s music video happened (worst and best). Sandoval decided to be a petty bitch (best). This must have been how Dickens felt. Yes I do consider myself a literary Great, thanks for asking.

We open with what better be the last I hear of this, Dayna and Brett continuing to force this showmance in our face. Brett clarifies that he’s definitely interested in Dayna though he doesn’t have feelings for her per se. Dayna, who is taking whatever scrap of affection she can get at this point, clarifies that “he was just being attacked and it didn’t come out right.” Really? Because to me it sounded like honesty. But sure, I guess it’s easier to band together against Scheana as a common enemy than admit the guy you’re making out with doesn’t like you. 

Ok guys, so remember in the midst of the music video episode where Brett made a comment about Scheana offering to suck his d*ck? And me saying that it was probably one of Scheana’s “jokes” that’s not really a joke bcause it’s just a thinly veiled truth? So that’s coming back full circle, and here’s what really happened: Scheana “offered” to pay Brett for the music video with a blow job “as a joke.” Who needs sex when you can just be right all the time?

So again, still not really sure how I shake out on the whole Brett vs. Scheana fiasco, but I’ll just say that, again, if a male employer said this to a woman, this would be sooooo bad.

However, I will say Dayna is right that Max’s whole “woe is me” shtick is completely ludicrous considering he rejected Dayna straight-up and has banged a bunch of other girls since then. I’m sure he’ll find another girl to pretend to have feelings for, since I get the sense that women are disposable to him. Like, I get that you need to make up fake storylines to stay on this show, but pick another lane.

Speaking of Max, he is on another f*cking planet telling Lisa, “Dayna told me she has feelings for me, and the next day she’s making out with Brett.” Dude, you buried the fucking lede which is that after Dayna said she had feelings for you, you TOLD HER YOU DIDN’T HAVE FEELINGS BACK AND SENT HER ON HER MERRY WAY! And then you’ve f*cked like, five other girls. Why do men…

Honestly I get why Ariana is annoyed about people talking sh*t about her house, but also, if she wants people to “shut the f*ck up about things that have nothing to do with them” then she should really get off a reality show. That’s the entire point.

Apparently Kristen rage-texted Stassi to tell her they’re not friends, which feels a lot like when conservatives “boycotted” Hamilton. She also tells her to “thrive”, which feels very Kristen, and is probably the name of her newest line for James Mae. Or maybe she just joined an MLM… I could see either one happening. Or both, at the same time.

What f*cking universe am I in that I am siding with Katie and being like, “Yes girl, block Jax and tell it right to his wife’s face”?! This may be the most surprising twist of 2020 so far.

In other “what universe am I in” news, James’s mom is back, and she is sober but found out she had cancer and had a double mastectomy. Holy sh*t, this is dark. But, I will say, James’s mom looks a lot better and is not incoherently rambling about James taking his first steps at a Tiffany’s. Is this show, like, a covert PSA for sobriety? I may be onto something.

Mary-kate and Ashley detectives

Stassi and Beau’s house hunting bit literally feels like an episode of House Hunters because one of them doesn’t seem to have a job but yet their budget is somehow $2 million.

I’m a fake casting director. And I wrote a book that actively made people dumber. Our budget is $2.5 million.

The Toms are meeting with Lisa and Ken in some half-abandoned building to talk about if they’re going to invest in this new restaurant. This is giving me the most annoying sense of déjà vu, and I really do not want to sit through another season of Lisa sh*t talking Tom and Tom and then simultaneously pretending to ask for their input. Please do not do this to me. I already suffered through the TomTom origin story. I won’t do it again!

So it’s the day of the Hollywood Reporter shoot and Max has to contend with Bootleg Scheana and Real Scheana. Oh wow, am I glad she’s back. I haven’t felt this excited about a surprise appearance since Miami Girl. I’ve gotta say, the guise for this photoshoot is a little shaky: “oh, we’re just going to invite a bunch of people from a few restaurants for this Hollywood Reporter photoshoot”. Just say you’re inviting the whole VPR cast, we all know what this is. It actually concerns me that there are people out there who just take the producers at their word. But also, please give me their names because I’ve got a bridge to sell them.

Ariana pulls Jax aside, and I’m honestly concerned that she is only just now realizing that Jax doesn’t make mistakes, this is just who he is. Girl, we’ve only been saying this for the past… which season are we on? 8 seasons.

However, I do stan a queen for being like “you don’t know what the f*ck you’re talking about so keep my name out your mouth.” Jax just rolls his coke eyes, and Ariana walks away. We don’t deserve her.

Okay, so Max pulls Brett aside to basically try to have it both ways. He is both over her and f*cking other girls and also not over it. Dude, grow up. 

The poor girls at SUR were done really dirty for this shoot, having to wear their tacky 2009 shirt dresses while everyone else gets full wardrobe glam. 

Jax is such a jackass, claiming he doesn’t have a SUR shirt, and not even owning a single black shirt for the photoshoot. This is f*cking Los Angeles!! I KNOW you own at least one black shirt. I’m glad that Sandoval is f*cking over him, because so am I.

Also LOL at Jax’s full coke glower during the shoot. My new hobby is dismissing all of Jax’s feelings and chalking them up to cocaine. 

Poor Brittany tries to tell Jax he looks hot, and he goes, “You think I care? I don’t give a sh*t.” Oookay. Whether she walked into this marriage eyes wide open or not, I do feel bad for Brittany. This relationship is exhausting and I’m not even in it. 

Lisa pulls Jax aside to be like, “what the hell is going on with you?” Surprisingly, Jax still isn’t happy despite having a wife and a house and his health. It’s almost like putting a ring on it can’t solve your deep-seated issues! Huh. Imagine that!

Anybody else notice how Jax manages to be smug even while asking for help? He goes from, “nothing’s wrong with my marriage, my marriage is great” to “I know something’s wrong and that’s why I’m trying to fix it” in the blink of an eye. But what is he actually doing to fix it besides running away from his marriage by going to the gym three times a day? I don’t really think this is what Elle Woods meant when she said endorphins make you happy.

It’s time for the TomTom party, and Kristen is bringing Carter, whom she’s exclusively dating again.

Meanwhile, Karrah found Max and is refusing to let him escape. Actual footage of her not letting him ghost her after their Vegas hookup:I'd find you wedding crashers

Jesus, she and Scheana really are the same person. It would be funny if it weren’t so terrifying.

Ariana and Stassi bond for a second about boob tape before Ariana is like, “well this is awkward that we’re kind of getting along rn because you talked sh*t about my house to Scheana?” And Stassi pulls a total f*cking power move and calls Scheana over like she’s a misbehaving child getting called to the principal’s office. Oof, this is gonna be awkward when Scheana watches the tape back and realizes that she quoted the wrong person word for word. Can’t wait for the reunion!

Meanwhile, Karrah comes over to crash and everyone is like, “not now, Karrah!” This is SO SCHEANA. I’m cackling. Get this girl some chunky glasses and a pair of crutches, and we are set.

Danica, for no reason, decides to insert herself into the conversation to tell Karrah to chill. And Karrah I guess watched one too many bad movies right before she blacked out (or she just watched Bethenny and Kelly’s meeting at Brass Monkey) because she says to Danica, “I’m happy to know that you’re sitting down watching me, because that’s where you should be.”

Girl, what?

Karrah then follows Danica to mumble some other incoherent fake-villain nonsense, and instead of being like “this bitch is drunk and not making sense,” Danica decides to go FULL Kristen circa “suck a d*ck.” Danica, this isn’t your Bad Girls Club audition. Tone it down, now you’re coming off looking like the crazy one. This behavior ends up getting Danica sent home from the party, with the implication that it may cost her her job.

White Kanye manages to do his whole set without drunkenly slurring anything, and I’m proud of him. He also goes up to Randall to apologize. Randall totally forgives James and provisionally invites him to the wedding. Why the f*ck am I crying in the club right now? Do I like Randall? He seems less-terrible than a lot of the other dudes on this show. Okay, maybe not a lot… just Jax. But still! Help.

who am i

Call Brian Moylan because the Toms kiss under their portrait of them kissing! The fanfic just writes itself.

Ugh, for the love of god, Dayna pulls Max aside to talk to him yet again. Literally, WHY?? What could possibly be said at this point that either of your pea-sized brains have not conceived of already? 

And before you come at me for saying that their brains are pea-sized, here is a direct transcription of their conversation:

Dayna: You’re trying to make me the bad guy
Max: No you’re trying to make me the bad guy, you’re on your high horse
Dayna: Are you kidding me? You’re on the jankiest high horse of all time
Max: I’m good off you
Dayna: I’m good off you bro
Max: Bro, no what’s mine say?
Dayna: Sweet! Bro, what’s mine say?

Dayna says “between Max and Brett, I choose me”. What should be a feminist, self-empowering moment is just… not, because Dayna is still actively choosing Brett. You can’t say you’re choosing yourself when you’re still choosing some lame dude with poodle hair who doesn’t even like you enough to sleep with you. I just… can’t.

As his one last attempted shot, Max reminds Dayna that he hired her. I think it’s pretty clear that the casting directors hired her, but whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night, bro.

Lisa cheers to new beginnings, and that should be the end of the episode, except that what happens next is truly masterful. In one corner, we have Jax and Sandoval mutually agreeing that their friendship is basically a charade at this point. In the other corner, Kristen, Stassi, and Katie are rehashing their sh*t show of a summer and concluding that they are also no longer friends. 

Jax tells Tom, “something’s wrong with me. I was in Home Depot buying flowers and I start breaking down crying in aisle 8.” Is it bad that I was not like “wow something’s wrong, he’s crying in public”, but rather, “wow, something’s wrong, he’s buying flowers at Home Depot”?

And in that same corner, Jax claims he feels like he’s handicapped by his mental health issues, when Sandoval says that’s basically a cop-out. What the f*ck is with these people and only thinking mental health issues are legitimate when they personally are affected by them? Then again, I too struggle to muster anything resembling sympathy towards Jax because of *gestures broadly to the past 8 seasons of this show, and his Twitter feed, and who he is as a person*

Over in Kristen’s corner, Stassi calls out Kristen’s victim mentality. Kristen fails to understand why Stassi and Katie don’t want to be her friend anymore, even though they spell it out in plain English for her right then, and also multiple times over the course of the whole season. 

For all the sh*t we’ve talked about this season, this is excellent television. Two dynasties are falling concurrently. The Witches of Weho are no more. Sandoval and Jax are “on a break”. THIS is what we want to see. The real sh*t. The messiness. Not Dayna and her two racist fake-boyfriends. 

And as a montage of Tom and Tom and Jax plays to the tune of a slowed-down version of the Vanderpump Rules theme song, and Jax, in full (you know what I’m about to say) COKE RAGE tells Lisa, “these are my real friends. This is what makes my show so successful”, I truly feel like we’ve done it. We’ve returned to the glory days. Jax has reached peak narcissism, and as those words slip out of his mouth, he knows he’s f*cked up—even before Lisa tells him to not get it twisted, this is her show. 

This is precisely why Jax needs to be off the show. His narcissism has reached such a point that he truly believes he is the show, and that is why he acts like a petulant child whenever anyone does anything other than build shrines to his ego and kiss the ground he walks on. But in reality, at least the people I speak to (I can’t speak for the middle-America mom constituency) are tired of seeing the same sh*t from him, and we are over it. We are over Jax’s “woe is me” act and predictable pattern of self-sabotage. We are over him throwing fits when he is called out on his sh*t. Frankly, we are over watching a 40-year-old man continue to act incredulous that his toxic behaviors do not yield the same results as they did in his 30s. Truthfully, the only thing Jax is good for are his coke rages, and even that would wear thin after a while. And the fact that his and Brittany’s spin-off only lasted six episodes before getting the axe should be all the proof Bravo needs that viewers do not want him on our televisions. 

So this is where the episode ends. The Witches of Weho are dead. Jax and Sandoval’s friendship is teetering on the edge of destruction. The friendships that brought us this show have buckled under the pressure of seven hit seasons and latent personality disorders. And honestly? If Vanderpump Rules can’t film season 9 because of the pandemic, then I think this was a perfect send-off.

Images: Bravo; Giphy

Brittany Doesn’t Need Our Sympathy On ‘Vanderpump Rules’

Ever since Brittany first appeared on season 4 of Vanderpump Rules, she’s been a fan favorite. With her Southern roots and bubbly personality, she’s served as the perfect foil to her now-husband Jax, SUR’s resident sociopath and life-ruiner. Remarkably, up until her text exchange with Katie in this week’s episode, she’s managed to escape the wrath of every female cast member on the show, a near-impossible feat given that these women change alliances more frequently than they change faces. Kristen can barely go an episode without referring to Brittany as “my precious Brittany,” and the rest of the ladies regard her as if she’s the Southern reincarnation of Mother Teresa. It was easy to root for Brittany after Jax’s cheating scandal with Faith. But now, as we watch Brittany misdirect her anger at Katie and Sandoval despite Jax’s increasingly erratic behavior, it’s time we dispose of the narrative that she’s naive and needs our help.

She Moved Cross-Country To Live With Jax After Knowing Him Two Months

Fans of the show remember vividly Brittany’s move from Kentucky to L.A. after meeting Jax in a bar in Las Vegas. “The very first night he met me he told me wanted me to move to L.A. I, of course, didn’t believe it,” Brittany said on E!’s Daily Pop. “Two months later, I moved to L.A.” Brittany has maintained that she did not watch Vanderpump Rules before appearing on the show.

I’m going to have to call B.S. on this. On the one hand, it’s semi-believable, because I’d like to think that no sane woman who’d seen the show would ever agree to move in with a man who can’t get through an episode of said show without lying, cheating, eating pasta drinking excessively, and/or screaming at a friend or co-worker. On the other hand, what reasonably intelligent millennial woman wouldn’t do some healthy online stalking before packing up her belongings and driving across the country to move into a studio apartment with our generation’s Dirty John? She knew what she was getting herself into.

She Actively Tried To Get On The Show

In an interview with Vogue, Brittany said, “I never wanted to be on TV. I never wanted to be an actor or an actress.” Britt, please. Even if we believe that she never watched the show before moving to L.A., her behavior upon arrival is, at best, a bit sketchy. She had barely unpacked her bags before rolling up to SUR in a questionable romper for a job interview with LVP. A couple of things about this don’t add up. First, who would want to work with their boyfriend after already having to spend the rest of their day in a 500-square-foot apartment with him and his creepy foot fetish? This is either the most codependent relationship on TV or she isn’t being 100% transparent about her motivations.

Second, and most importantly, the restaurant in question is the setting for one of the most popular reality shows on television. If she really didn’t want to be on TV, she could’ve applied to one of the other thousands of restaurants in L.A. that doesn’t have a TV crew present for months out of the year. In my light Googling painstaking research for this article, I also came across Brittany’s page on Model Mayhem, which says she’s been a member since August 10, 2010, well before she found herself on our TV screens. In her bio, Brittany says she is looking to “expand my oppurtunities ” and is “willing & ready to travel.”

I can believe that Brittany never sought out to be a professional actress, but for her to imply she didn’t want fame after moving to L.A. to be with a guy she knew for five minutes who just so happens to star on a reality TV show is fake news. One need only look at her Instagram to see that she’s adjusting quite comfortably to a life of paid endorsements and sponsorships. There’s no shame in this at all, but I’d have more respect for her if she were honest about her ambitions. Instead, she acts as if her newfound opportunities just happened with no effort on her part, which is about as believable as her increasingly thick accent that, of late, is reaching Sofia Vergara levels of exaggeration.

She Stayed With Jax After He Humiliated Her On National Television Multiple Times

At the beginning of season 5, Jax announces that he walked in on Brittany and Kristen hooking up. Given Jax’s never-ending trail of lies track record, it’s unclear whether this did, in fact, happen. Both Brittany and Kristen, Jax’s strongest competitor for Most Honest Cast Member, denied it. Whether or not they hooked up is beside the point. What matters is that Jax, Brittany’s then-boyfriend, thought it was appropriate to talk about her sex life on national television without her permission. It’d be one thing if he was genuinely hurt or considered it cheating, but he seemed completely dead inside unbothered by the idea. Instead, he put it out there to the world without the least bit of consideration for Brittany, who comes from a conservative community. If such callous behavior by Jax wasn’t immediate grounds for a breakup, it was at the very least a huge red flag.

Me to Brittany the past four seasons:

Of course, we can’t bring up the topic of humiliation without mentioning the season 6 revelation that Jax cheated on Brittany with co-worker Faith mere feet away from a sleeping 95-year old woman. As if that weren’t horrific enough, we later learned that Faith had secretly recorded a conversation with Jax where he said some seriously f*cked up things about Brittany. This would be the death knell for just about any other relationship, but after about a month of being “broken up,” the two got back together. THEN, Jax pulls the ultimate douche move and breaks up Brittany mere weeks after putting her through hell. It’s no wonder she wanted him to RAWT there, but it’s mind-boggling that she would take him back after this.

Jax Hasn’t Changed And She Still Married Him

From pretty much the moment she arrived in Los Angeles, Brittany has been subjected to some downright awful treatment by Jax. Over the past several seasons he bought her breast implants and demanded she make them bigger than she wanted, criticized her weight multiple times (even going so far as to suggest her weight contributed to his cheating), expected that she make him sandwiches, and gaslit her at every turn. When we dig beneath the surface excitement of the engagement and wedding, their relationship is so dark that it’s often difficult to watch. Brittany is very likely the victim of some emotional abuse by Jax. But after all this time and with the benefit of having his mistakes documented on TV to learn from, his behavior largely remains the same, and is arguably worse.

He dismissed her concerns when they went to therapy, told her own family that he comes first, and this season lied to her face about his trip to the strip club during their joint bachelor/bachelorette trip, where he said on camera that he was going to leave Brittany for one of the strippers. But when anyone so much as hints that Jax is a less than honorable guy, she becomes defensive and/or hysterical and doesn’t want to hear it. This season, she distracted herself with wedding planning, as if a televised ceremony is going to solve all of their relationship issues. I can’t totally blame her; it’s easier to throw yourself into something superficial rather than deal with the darkest recesses of your psyche. And there are many reasons women in emotionally abusive relationships stay, whether it’s diminished self-worth, isolation, or believing that the abuser can change. We’ll probably never know exactly what’s driving Brittany, and she may not even know herself, but after several seasons of watching back her husband’s misdeeds and contending with the opinions of viewers, there’s no doubt that she knew who she was marrying.

I happen to enjoy Brittany on the show and genuinely believe that she’s a nice person in real life. But we’ve got to stop buying into this idea that she’s this babe in the woods who needs our help. It would not only be a mistake, but a severe underestimation to view her this way. She’s an adult woman making a conscious decision to not only continue in an unhealthy relationship, but broadcast it on national television and benefit from it financially. Whether or not it’s the true love remains to be seen. But just in case it’s not, I’ll be here waiting with my popcorn for their future appearance on Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars.

Images: Giphy (4)

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Jason Is Dead & Jax Is Back

Guys, we’re almost at the end of this season of Vanderpump Rules. I would take this time to do a little retrospective on everything that’s happened so far, but truthfully, I no longer have the memory span after spending infinite weeks without the company of someone my own age. All I can talk about now is what happened last night on 60 Minutes and speculate on the next time I may get a haircut.

Just as bleak as my quarantine situation is Tom and Tom’s matching shirt walk of shame to SUR to clean their toilets. We really couldn’t have fit this into last episode? Or just scrapped it entirely?

Actually I lied, just as bleak as my quarantine situation is Tom Schwartz’s erotic story of his fantasy of shaving Lisa Vanderpump’s legs. If I wanted to listen to My Dad Wrote A Porno, I would literally be doing that right now.

Thankfully we do get to see James’s DJing stint, which I’ve got to conclude was actually a separate night than what we saw last week and not a true bonafide spur-of-the-moment offer, but at this point I can’t be surprised by any lies these producers try to put forth.

Since Jax uninvited Sandoval from his pool party, Sandoval decided to throw a rival party instead. Brittany is unsurprisingly not thrilled, and I can’t wait to read the rage texts that will come from this.

Dayna, Brett, and his poodle hair sit in adjacent seats at dinner, which is all the evidence I need to prove that this relationship is as fake as Lala’s gangsta roots. 

Charli asks why Brett always wears flannel. Dayna says it’s because he’s “like a sexy Paul Bunyan” and Charli can’t even stop herself from being like, “is he?? Is he though???” Why is this girl not on our TV more, but I have to watch these two emotionless clowns?

Brett says something truly perplexing about Max failing to give his express approval for him to sleep with Dayna: “It’s murky waters, but I got a big boat. 55 knots.” Is that a dick thing? I am unfamiliar with boating measurements; what’s the knot-to-inch conversion?

Brittany busts into the house, breaking the news to Jax that Sandoval is throwing his rival party. Brittany acts like they’ve stolen the baby name she’s had written down in her diary since childhood, not decided to throw a party because Jax uninvited them in the first place. Also, don’t think I missed Jax calling Sandoval a woman and adding, “not to bash women…” This guy wouldn’t know what sexism was if it hit him in the face. In the mirror. Because he is sexi—ok, you know what I’m getting at.

And it brings me absolutely no joy to report that manipulative Jax is back, everyone. The new Jason can’t come to the phone right now, because he’s dead, and in his place is the Jax we all know and love revile. Brittany says, “ya know, I can’t help but think this all wouldn’t have happened if you had just never sent that rage text to Max.” And Jax is like, “you know what, that was probably stupid of me, I shouldn’t have done that.”

F*CKING PSYCH! I told you this was Jax, not Jason! He goes into full, “Oh, what? So it’s my fault? So this is all my fault? So Tom Sandoval is a perfect angel and everything is my fault, as usual?” Maybe it’s because I fell asleep at 6am this morning, but I am f*cking exhausted of his bullsh*t already.

Ironically Jax takes a mouthful of pasta before angrily announcing he’s going to the gym, for the third time that day. Looks like he had some pasta before eating some pasta and then working out. Ya hate to see it.

Whoa, using Jax’s Instagram stories was an interesting break in the media. Though I fail to see how recording a Captain’s Log video diary of sorts of him in the car narrating that he’s going to the gym proves to us that he’s not cheating. He could just as easily be driving to or from some girl’s house, I’m just saying. No, you have trust issues!

Anyway, the Toms want to throw some one-year anniversary party and also they’re getting involved with some new garden restaurant Lisa is opening, for a whopping 10%. But are they splitting the 10% or do they each get 10%? This is crucial info that I’m sure Lisa will never divulge and Sandoval will continue to play up for the rest of eternity.

Dying at the fact that Jax is out here acting like women’s equality means publicly endorsing female workout instructors as tougher than the male ones, and saying they make the males “look like little girls”. I mean, it is one step up from utter and outright disdain of women, so, is it growth?

Ok, no, you’re right, I’m giving him way too much credit. It’s not growth. This feels like a fourth grader’s first brush with equality.

Lala goes over to see Brittany, and Jax calls her to be like, “My wife thinks I’m cheating on me because I’m going to the gym, can you believe it? Me! Cheating! Me!” as if no man has used the gym as a code word for some other bitch’s bed before and also Jax has never cheated on every single one of his significant others.

Brittany is not having it, and being like, “I actually am just picking up on a concerning pattern of behavior that you displayed right before you cheated on me.” Do we… stan? The awareness and articulation is kind of impressive—or the bar is just that low. Can’t tell. I kind of do feel bad for Brittany again. Jax held it together for like, what, one season tops? Great, so that’s… the rest of her life, minus a couple of months, of her dealing with this manipulative and scary pattern. 

Even more awkward, Lala tries to ask James to DJ Jax’s pool party, but he’s already booked for Tom’s. Ya love to see it.

Okay, once was fun, twice was okay, but three of Jax’s rage Instagram Stories has really passed the point of necessity.

So now the gang is at Dayna’s comedy show, and already I have to suspend my disbelief too far, because Beau and Max get heckled from the back row. That has never once happened in my illustrious NY comedy spectating career, but maybe it’s an LA thing.

Okay, now Jax has completely devolved (too much, er, pre-workout?) and is angrily telling everyone he put his wedding ring back on, and is STILL MARRIED. Do you want a medal or what?

In explaining the pool party drama to Lisa, Ariana says what we have all been thinking: What is anybody losing by not being friends with Jax? I speak for literally all the viewers when I say, with the exception of last week’s chaotic evil episode, absolutely nothing. I would maybe miss Brittany, but I’m sure we’d catch her on the divorce edit.

Scheana makes a point of showing up to the post-show bar, but didn’t come to Dayna’s show? I would like to know why.

Other things I would like to know: the significance of the day Scheana put out her music video? Jax thinks it encroaches on some day of his—probably like, his dead dog’s half-birthday. Typical Jax.

It’s pretty sad that Dayna and Brett will make out on camera but won’t talk to their friends about it. Lol, Max is such a baby. That’s all I have to say about it. This is sad. Dayna, you and your monotone voice deserve better than this.

But of course Scheana is standing by her man, Max, and coming at Dayna and Brett for having a thing even if it hurt Max’s feelings. (And you can’t even blame this on shady editing.) If you ask me, Max’s feelings can get bent!

Instead of me providing commentary on Max and Brett’s yelling match, I will simply transcribe it:

Max: Dude, what are you doing, brah?
Brett: Bro, I’m not lying to you, bro.
Max: Dude, what’s mine say?
Brett: Sweet, no what’s mine say?
Max: Dude! No, what’s mine say?! 

dude where's my car

Stassi and Beau are right for saying that Dayna can do whatever the f*ck she wants, and Lala is kind of a joke for stirring this entire pot out of nowhere and then saying, “y’all are real f*cking messy right now.” This is like my mom complaining that I’m spoiled, as if some mysterious surrogate mom was the one who spoiled me.

After yet another rage-Instagram from Jax (I officially take back all honorary Emmys I’ve given to the producers because this horse has been beaten WELL post-mortem), we go see Brittany, Ariana, and Lisa volunteering somewhere (they’re just going through their old clothes, because surely homeless people need cashmere sweaters), and Brittany is rehashing the rage text drama. 

Damn, Ariana is NOT holding back any punches, telling Brittany to her face that nobody would be friends with Jax if it weren’t for the fact that he was married to her. And then she goes on to name names of who suggested the pool party—I think Ariana might be the most loyal person on this whole show. When it comes to Tom, anyway. I stan.

Now Brittany is on the rage-text train! Oo, it’s a rage-text three-way call with Lala and Katie! What is wrong with these people, why can’t they hash out their issues at lunch like all the other Real Housewives? 

Also, lmao @ Brittany for this:

Brittany: I heard it was your idea for this pool party
Also Brittany: I’m not blaming you.

Has anyone else noticed that any time they show Brittany in her home, she is taking a solitary shot? I’ve been in quarantine for months and I still haven’t resorted to taking shots by my f*cking self in an empty house.

If I had to choose, I too would go to Sandoval’s pool party. He’s got yurts set up in the backyard, he knows how to go the extra mile to create an ambiance.

I love seeing everyone show up to Tom and Ariana’s party while Jax and Brittany fume at home to their eight guests. The empire has fallen. This is truly the visual representation of the phrase “sucks to suck.” 

Now, to be clear, what Tom and Ariana are doing is extremely petty. However, Jax was petty first. Two pettys (petties?) don’t make a right, but they do make for good TV.

Simultaneously, at both parties, we are still rehashing the Brett/Dayna/Max love triangle, and I am f*cking over it. Except that Brett is making no sense, claiming he doesn’t have feelings for Dayna, but that “when a penis penetrates a vagina, that’s feelings.” Oh okay, that only directly contradicts every experience I’ve had with a straight man thus far in my life. But sure, Brett.

Do you think he’s told Dayna he doesn’t have feelings for her? Not a chance. Also I laughed out loud at how Brett compares him making out with Dayna to “committing World War 83.” Brett, pray tell, what happened during World Wars 3-82?

So much has gone on at this party that it barely registered that Kristen and Carter are here, and, as they announce to Ariana, they’re dating. 

I am LOVINGGG this Ariana, who’s taking shots at everyone with no regard, as she says about Stassi:“Okay, Regina George, you f*cking snob-ass bitch. Why do you keep pretending to care about being my friend, you f*cking snob??” Well, I guess we know who won’t be having a joint birthday party this year….

Another gem: Stassi turned her second bedroom into a shoe closet because she wanted to copy Scheana. And again, the Scheana disrespect is out of control! Imagine liking shoes that much. I don’t even like people that much.

Not gonna lie, I was going to gloss over the part where Sandoval invited James to DJ the TomTom one-year anniversary party, but then it became necessary when Katie told James she’s seen a lot of growth from him and gave him a hug.



Over at Jax’s, Stassi pulls Jax aside to be like, “bro, you good?” She says, “It looks like you’re losing your mind.” And Jax goes, “I am.” Jax, the mental health advocate, but only when it comes to his own mental health, because when anybody else opens up about their struggles, they’re faking it for sympathy! 

Jax says something truly perplexing, but also very illuminating at the same time. “When you sprain your ankle, do you walk on it? No. Same thing with the brain, that’s just how the brain works!” Ohhh, so he just hasn’t been using his brain this entire time. Honestly, everything makes sense now.

Jax admits that he had a wedding and has a beautiful house and he’s still not happy. Hmm it’s almost as if getting married can’t fix a relationship. He admits he’s worried he’s going to take it out on Brittany. I predict he’s going to “take it out” on whatever hot nanny they hire the second Brittany gets pregnant. He truly is a WeHo Jeff Lowe. Let’s see if I’m right.

Images: Bravo; Giphy (2)

‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Kristen, There’s People That Are Dying

Well, I might perish from the coronavirus any day now, but still, I continue to write these recaps. (That’s a lie, I don’t even have a cold.) But if I do have to go into self-imposed quarantine, I guess that will give me much more time to write about our favorite band of servers! I suppose there’s a silver lining to everything.

Last week, everyone arrived in Kentucky for Jax and Brittany’s wedding week. Do you think after the wedding they’ll be like, “how could you do this (i.e. call me out for a legitimate wrongdoing), on the week after my wedding”? Actually, why am I even asking that question? Jax and Brittany are going to be with their wedding how most white women are with their babies: Oh, it’s only 26 months old!

This week, we open up at Jax and Brittany’s rehearsal. Jax and Brittany start giving a speech, when a fake detective shows up, because this is not just an engagement party—it’s a fake murder mystery whodunit party.

We need to get Michael Scarn on this case.

After the game (which Lala nailed and Stassi overthought, to try to prove to everyone how much she really loves murder… somebody tell her real detectives know about Occam’s razor), Lala, Stassi, and Katie are talking sh*t about Kristen. Kristen comes over and says “what are you guys talking about?” and Lala, ever the G, says “you.” Kristen, trying to project self-confidence but failing miserably, says, “I love that.”

Kristen says Carter is her best friend, conveniently forgetting all the times he’s treated her like sh*t and screamed at her and whatever. And also forgetting her actual best friends, who are sitting two feet in front of her. And no, I didn’t have to recount Carter’s horribleness for myself, because the Bravo editors (who, tbh, are now going borderline overboard this season) have inserted a convenient little flashback to all the times Carter treated Kristen worse than I treat random people on the subway whom I know I’ll never see again.

Kristen tries to read everyone one by one. She says that Lala is a bitch, Stassi doesn’t care about anyone’s problems (I couldn’t actually hear what she said because Katie immediately started yelling “you’re an obnoxious bitch” over her), and Brittany comes running over to tell everyone to stop fighting.

At SUR, some random girl (Adriana?) asks Dayna what’s up with Max. They also show a flashback in which he compliments her, but solely her makeup/beauty routine. I’m just trying to get a guy who will notice my haircut, but ok. Adriana tells Dayna that she saw Max with a girl, and they seemed “friendly”. Adriana and Danica found the girl on Instagram (her name is Olivia), and she’s wearing a Pride shirt that Max gave her. Ah, giving a TomTom Pride shirt—the true marker of a serious relationship.

Shockingly, everyone ended up being right about Max. Ya hate to see it.

Two nights before Jax’s wedding, he is NOT going out, but staying in to like, ruminate on his life. Is this…. is this… growth?

Throwing in my favorite gif for good measure, even though we are about to see that it’s not really applicable here:

Kristen is now crying to Beau like “you’re my boy, Blue Beau”. Beau literally has to explain the concept to her that you can’t pay as much attention to your friends as you do to your significant others. Kristen’s crying that nobody ever calls her up to ask her if she’s okay, and it’s like the whole cast has just learned what us viewers have known since the dawn of this show: that every single person on it is self-absorbed as all f*ck.

Kristen really wants us all to throw her a pity parade because she can’t decide how she feels about Carter long enough to break up with him or get back together one way or the other. And to that I say:

You gotta love people who create their own problems and then get mad at everybody else for not coddling them through their self-imposed dilemmas. If I were friends with Kristen, I would have murdered her six episodes ago. (I’m a great friend, I swear! I’m very fun at brunch.)

Everyone except Jax is hungover the next day, and to be honest, “I did not mean to get that drunk last night” should just be emblazoned on Schwartz’s tombstone at this point.

Lala comes to Kristen and Scheana’s room, and Kristen just straight-up ignores Lala. Ironically, Kristen says of all her friends refusing to baby her, “I’m so tired of it.” Oh, you’re tired? I don’t even know any of you, and I’m f*cking exhausted.

Ewww, apparently Kristen will sh*t talk Stassi to Beau?

The funny thing to me is that Stassi is ready to be done with Kristen forever because she’s just now realizing she’s a psychopath. I guess it’s only ok when Kristen is flying girls in from Miami and punching James at weddings—in other words, when she’s only being a psycho in other people’s relationships, and it’s fun and dramatic. Not when it’s actually like, emotionally laborious.

We learn that Schwartz did the most Schwartzy thing ever and lost his own marriage license, meaning that Katie and Schwartz have not technically been married this entire time. Just throw out season 5, that was a complete waste of time.

Jax: But how do you do your taxes?
Schwartz: What are ta…. taxes?

I f*cking love that Katie trusted Schwartz with, like, the only actual important part of the wedding (making sure they are, ya know, legally married), and Schwartz could not even manage to keep track of one piece of paper. ONE. This is the ultimate “you had one job!”

Scheana’s lost her voice, probably from screaming ” IS MY BEST FRIEND!” to nobody who asked. They’re talking about James and Raquel and how James agreed to go to an AA meeting, and Lala agrees to reach out to James to talk to him about it. Can’t wait to see how little time it will take him to say something offensive to Lala and nuke that olive branch of friendship right into the ground.

Kristen’s moved on to Stassi’s mom, now that she’s officially tapped the Weho Sympathy Well. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more bleak.

Speaking of Weho, Max goes over to Dayna’s apartment. The great thing about this scene is he probably thinks he’s getting laid, when we all know he’s walking into an ambush. *Rubs hands together excitedly like Mr. Burns*

Dayna starts off real subtle, like “is there anything you need to tell me?” Max obviously says no. Dayna’s like “so you’re not exclusively dating this girl?” And shows him her phone.

Max starts spinning in circles trying to make up excuses, being like “well, I dunno, she just moved to LA because I like, told her that would be cool and I’d be excited to hang out with her when she got here, how is it my fault that she moved to LA and is trying to hang out with me now?”

I’m f*cking impressed that Dayna had the strength to end their sh*t right then and there…. and then dipped his necklace in toilet water AND THEN KITTY LITTER before giving it back to him. Carrie Underwood called, she said she’s writing this into the remix of “Before He Cheats”.


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Ok Dayna won me over here. #maxwearsapoonecklace #dontmesswithdayna #maxisapieceofshit #sohisnecklaceactuallymatches #alsohiskeyring #ishethesuperintendent #daynacanstayfornextseason

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Lisa ends up making Jax and Brittany’s wedding because her mother’s funeral ended up getting delayed. Jax and Lisa are having a heart-to-heart and whatever, and he starts choking up about not having any parents at his wedding. I think I speak for all of us when I say: BUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR MOM? The people demand the full story!

Meanwhile, Beau has joined a flash mob at the Pride parade. Or is it a zumba class? I’m unclear. Anyway, I would probably do the same thing if I were trapped in the same room as Kristen and she was cry-screaming at me.

At TomTom, Max is filling in James on the Dayna situation. He says everything would have been fine if everyone stayed out of their business, conveniently forgetting that if he hadn’t done anything, there would have been no business for anyone to get into. But sure, blame it on the women. Also, James doesn’t want to go to an AA meeting. Who’s shocked? Nobody? Bueller? Ok good, moving on.

Jax and Brittany come back from the party, have a whole conversation about how Jax is about to stop drinking because they are getting married in the morning, and then they both go, “Okay, let’s go party some more.” I know how this is going to end, and it’s with Schwartz going missing on the roof all day.

Brittany told everyone to bring onesies. Beau shows up in a full knight costume. Kristen is basically getting naked. She’s going to be realllly fun at the wedding!

I actually can’t believe they are partying this hard the night before the wedding. All I’d be doing would be taking a xanax and passing out at 9pm. Don’t you have to be up early for hair and makeup? Being hungover at my own wedding sounds like a waking nightmare.

Brittany: I hope Jax isn’t drinking right now
Cut to: Jax ladling mystery alcohol to the face. This is hurting even me.

Then we get a montage of Jax calling Brittany his best friend and partner in crime, which I suppose does track because he did steal those sunglasses that time in Hawaii.

It looks like next week will be Jax and Brittany’s wedding, and then we’ll finally be home free! …Until Lala’s wedding and Stassi’s engagement. But still, silver linings!

Images: Giphy (3), Tenor (2)

8 ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Moments That Aren’t Talked About Enough

As a self-confessed Bravoholic, I revel in the happenings on our favorite Bravo shows, whether it’s the idiocy of Puppygate in last season’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or the garbage men that run rampant on every season of Southern Charm. And while I know a mother isn’t supposed to reveal her favorite child, I must confess that Vanderpump Rules is my personal jewel in the crown. From the moment it premiered seven years ago, the show has given us more drama than any scripted series ever could and a cast of beautiful surgically-enhanced train wrecks you can’t tear your eyes away from. In honor of the premiere of Vanderpump Rules season 8, I’ve rounded up the most under-appreciated moments of the series.

 8. Scheana’s Crop Top Wedding Dress

Scheana Wedding

Ms. Scheana Marie Jancan Shay is known for her many misguided choices. These usually involve men who are unavailable, either because they’re married or vying for camera time simply not that into her. However, the most embarrassing thing she’s ever done on the show was wear a crop top wedding gown in season 3. I’d describe it for you, but I’ll leave it to Stassi, who summed it up better than I ever could:

7. Story Time With Lala

Lala Kent is nothing if not an enigma. One minute, she’s masquerading as the show’s feminist hero, and the next she is completely unaware of what cis privilege means. In a scene from season 4 that is not discussed nearly enough, she beautifully showcases this when talking about the book she’s currently reading: “I was given a book called Fountainhead, which is by Ayn Rand. It’s a philosophical book and it’s about architecture and architects.” Sounds like the book report of a 9-year-old who didn’t read the book and put the movie on in the background while texting, but sure. I’ll leave it at that, because I don’t want to “get popped.”

6. Ariana, Feminist Hero

Season 7 was a breakout season for Ariana, not only because she showed us she’s more intelligent than her fellow SURvers by leaps and bounds, but also because she’s been open and honest about her sexuality and stood up for her trans castmate, Billie Lee. I especially appreciated her candor on being reluctant to get married and have children despite constant questions and pressure from the other cast members, including her own boyfriend: “Before I would even be comfortable considering the idea of having kids, I would need to check off all the places I wanna go in the world, which is kind of all of them. And I would also just like, I don’t know, want to?” Sorry Lala, but this is actually what a feminist looks like.

5. The Number One Guy In This Group

There’s never been anyone on television quite like Jason Michael Cauchi Jax Taylor. In season 4 he proved that his words could be just as unpredictable as his behavior during a conversation with Schwartz and Sandoval about Schwartz and Katie’s dysfunctional relationship. Schwartz gets up to take a break from the drama, and Jax utters the following to Sandoval in a glorious coke-induced rage: “Dude, stop acting like you’re the number one f*cking guy in this group, man. I’m the number one guy in this group!” The seriousness with which he delivers this absurd proclamation, with not even an iota of irony, is nothing short of magical.

4. James Kennedy’s Impersonations

Love him or hate him, James has delivered some of the best lines on this show (“PUMP-TINI!” “It’s not about the pasta!”). But less acknowledged and equally hysterical are his impressions of his fellow castmates. His impersonation of Stassi on the ground, literally “crawling back from New York” on the season 5 reunion was so hilarious that even Stassi couldn’t help but laugh. My personal favorite, however, is his reenactments of both Brittany and Jax reacting to the revelation of the infamous Jax-Faith recording. His “WHHHYYY?!?” is enough to convince me that he should star in the next reboot of A Streetcar Named Desire. Don’t @ me.

3. Sandoval’s Dramatic Drag Show

Joint bachelor/bachelorette parties are rarely a good idea, especially when the couple in question transforms into the worst versions of themselves after a couple shots of tequila. That said, we’re forever indebted to Katie and Schwartz for giving us what is perhaps Sandoval’s most melodramatic moment on this show, which is saying something. The image of him dressed in drag like a bootleg Sia and referring to his best friend as a “battered wife!” will forever be etched in the darkest recesses of my brain. The juxtaposition of his insane getup and the earnestness of his message is more than any of us deserve. We really are living in the golden age of television.

2. Jax and Faith’s Captive Audience

When it came out that Jax cheated on Brittany with Faith, the rest of the cast was downright shocked. Maybe it was because they collectively bought into the storyline genuinely believed that Jax was a changed man (LOL). However, not one person brought up the most horrifying detail of the encounter: that this all went down while Faith was inexplicably charged with the live-in care for a 95-year-old woman. Umm, WTF?! I can’t even begin to fathom how Faith was approved for this gig in the first place. We can only hope the poor woman was hopped up on one of her prescriptions and slept through this heinous encounter.

Actual footage of me watching this episode:

1. The Montages

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easily the best clip on tv 😩 whoever edited this…we’re besties in my head. #vanderpumprules

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The Vanderpump Rules editors (and Bravo editors in general) are the true unsung heroes of the show. They’re our Greek chorus, always ready to point out the cast’s lack of self-awareness, whether it’s a montage of every moment Sandoval got emotional during the entire run of the series, Kristen’s seasonal psychotic breaks, or the 48 tequila shots Schwartz took in Mexico leading him to wander off to a completely different hotel. Editors, we thank you for your service.

Of course, there are far too many gems that could’ve been included, but I have a day job and some semblance of a life. What underrated Vanderpump Rules moments did I miss (other than “Suck a dick,” “I am the devil, and don’t you forget it” and “I don’t know what I’ve done to you, but I’ll take a Pinot Grigio”—none of those are underrated). Let me know in the comments!

Images: Tommy Garcia/Bravo; Giphy (4); Tenor (2); Adderall and Compliments (2); badgalriri / Instagram

What We Know About The 3 New ‘Vanderpump Rules’ Cast Members

I know I complain a lot about how much time The Bachelor takes up in my sad little life, but the one show I would never dare speak ill of is Vanderpump Rules. There’s just something so comforting about watching borderline sociopaths lie to their friends and family without emotion or remorse. It’s like mozzarella sticks for the soul. And just as I was starting to really miss my precious garbage angels, they popped right up to give me that sweet, deep-fried, cheesy fix. This week, the cast members got together to film the opening credits for season 8. Now, while I care about my OGs very much, I’ve seen enough pictures of Jax and Brittany’s wedding to last me a lifetime, so it’s time to take a gander at the fresh blood. Let’s stalk the Vanderpump Rules newbies.

Max Boyens

According to US Weekly, the place I got to for all my C-list celebrity news and the occasional legging recommendation, Max is the general manager of TomTom. Which sounds like a sweet gig in theory, but having to follow the insane whims of a man rocking a Flock of Seagulls haircut day after day must be a tough pill to swallow. So, I’m already proud of you, Max. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. 

US Weekly also reported that Max was briefly linked to Scheana, which I assume means that he went over to her apartment one time, ate a handful of pretzels, and now she’s filed the paperwork needed to acquire a marriage certificate.

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I call this new look “Hollywood Hotdog” || #hotdog #mustard #notavegan #lovesgointowarwick #neverpaysthebill #rippedjeansaretightdude #unamas #mustard #hollywoodhotdog #dontbeahotdog #imsoLA

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Now that we have that out of the way, let’s make some broad assumptions based on his Instagram! It appears that Max likes karaoke, is from San Diego, has style that Sandoval approves of, has a cocktail company he’s looking to promote, and is way too wordy for a man whose career is clearly based on his looks. I hate him already. I can’t wait. 

Dayna Kathan

Dayna appears to be a SUR employee, which must be nice for Lisa because I’m pretty sure the others don’t actually work at the restaurant anymore, and those goat cheese balls aren’t going to serve themselves!

Apparently we’ve already seen Dayna on VPR, because Celebrity Insider reports she was one of the women in the hotel room at the Mondrian when Jax FaceTimed Brittany. According to the article, she will be bringing drama to their relationship, and fingers crossed it happens quickly, because I have $100 that says their marriage only lasts 125 days and I’m looking to cash in. Mama needs some new shoes! (Kidding, I really need some dinner that’s not 99-cent ramen noodles). 

Based on the T-shirt she over-wears, Dayna is a Beyoncé fan, which is not surprising because she is a human woman with ears. She also appears to be a comedian, which I’m surprised Ariana is okay with since she takes sketch comedy VERY seriously. I don’t expect Dayna to last long on Vanderpump Rules, but I hope she has fun. 

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thirsty. poser. wannabe. people will always have their opinions about you. all you can do is roll the dice from time to time and know you stayed authentic to yourself. this summer has been interesting to say the least but i wouldn’t change a f*cking thing. 🖤

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Brett Caprioni

And finally we have reached Brett Caprioni, the most horrifying fairest one of all. He works at SUR, but I’m more interested in the fact that he’s a YouTuber, which explains why I have no idea who he is since I spend my weekends shaking my cane at teenagers and hollering things like “back when I was a kid we had RESPECT!” from a safe distance. I took a look at his page, and he seems to be very into eating healthy and working out, which explains his hot bod and why Jax will most likely attempt to destroy him this season. Just a guess! 

I’m also taking an educated guess that he has had lip fillers (that baby picture he posted has no lips to be found—sorry baby Brett, you were still cute), and I’m also guessing that he makes people call him “BrettCap” in full, every time they talk to him, and if they don’t he spits in their drink. He just gives off that vibe, ya know? Plus he’s from Jersey and we do that sh*t. Maybe I will like him, after all. 

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Go peep my newest YT video if you haven’t yet 😎

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And that’s what we have to look forward to this season on Vanderpump Rules. I can’t wait to watch even more beautiful people in dysfunctional relationships drink to excess! 

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy, issamaximillian, dadadayns, brettcap / Instagram

Celebrities Are Using This App To Make Their Legs Look Longer

If you read our weekly Photoshop Fail series, then you’re well aware by now that nothing on Instagram is as it seems. People are using half a dozen apps to edit their photos, and they’re not stopping at fixing the lighting and red eye. Because most people don’t have a solid understanding of how to use complex programs like Photoshop, everyone is always looking for the best, most simple app to look like an Instagram model. Enter Spring, which I found out about last week, and it’s already taken over my life. (I am not well.)

I first found out about Spring when my girl Bravo Historian posted about it on Instagram. She first noticed something was off when Brittany Cartwright from Vanderpump Rules posted a pic with some suspiciously long legs. The issue? These legs don’t look like normal person legs. And to top it off, Brittany has the classic Instagram influencer huge feet. Why does everyone on Instagram have huge feet??

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Beach, please. ?

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For reference, here’s a photo Brittany posted a few weeks ago, when she was in Vegas with her VPR costars. Britt looks hot af, but her legs look…normal in length? Of course, it could all come down to a weird angle or something, but her legs are so prominently featured in the beach photo that I just feel like she did something to stretch them out and make them appear longer.

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#VegasBaby ❤️

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After she posted about Britt’s legs, one of Bravo Historian’s followers tipped her off about a photo editing app called Spring, and that was the moment my entire life changed. I need a calendar that just marks time by whether it happened Before Spring (BS) or After Spring (AS). Guys, this app is WILD.

The Spring app has been around for years, but for some reason, it’s not nearly as well known as some other photo editing apps. The app is almost too simple to use, and it has three features: slimming, height lengthening, and head resizing. I’m not really sure why you would need to resize your head, so I’m ignoring that for today, but the slimming and lengthening features are straight-up SORCERY.

Rather than some apps where you just pinch and pull wherever you want, Spring has you set lines for where your ankles, hips, and shoulders are, so it only stretches the photo in certain places. It’s some kind of dark magic, and it works. All of a sudden, anyone can be 5’10, and there’s basically no way to tell if your entire life has been a lie.

So, who’s been using Spring, or another app like it, to make themselves look nine feet tall? Bravo Historian pointed out this photo of Ciara, complete with the telltale big-ass feet, and I could see it tbh.

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Girls ❤️. #GirlGang #Girls

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This photo is cute beyond words, but there was no need for Ciara to make herself into Elastigirl.

Kylie Jenner is no stranger to some janky photo editing, but this photo is still crazy to me. Look at her f*cking legs! And that big-ass foot! I feel like this picture was taken through a kaleidoscope with how confusing the angle is, but she looks way taller than 5’6. And with that being said, this is a great photo of Kylie, but this just isn’t how her legs look. Or really how anyone’s legs look, for that matter.

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a ray of fucking sunshine

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Could the epidemic of the big-ass feet be reaching all the way to Miley Cyrus’ hot girl summer trip to Lake Como? I don’t want to believe it, but come on, those legs look crazy! Maybe I’m just dumb and have been taking my photos incorrectly all this time, but I don’t believe that all of these women just look like this in real life.

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So much Versacheeeeee @versace ?

A post shared by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on

Here’s mega influencer Chiara Ferragni chilling on a boat with some big-ass feet of her own. Her legs definitely look long here, along with the fact that her butt curves at basically a perfect 90º angle, which I’m not sure is a naturally-occurring thing.

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First or second pic? ?

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Basically, either everyone with over a million followers on Instagram just happens to have big-ass feet, or there’s something a little more sneaky going on here.

While we don’t know if all of these famous people and influencers are actually using Spring, or another app like it, my curiosity was obviously running wild. Therefore, I had no choice but to download the app and try it out for myself. A few days ago I was hanging out at a guy’s apartment, and his lobby had a sick mirror, so I obviously had to take a selfie as I was leaving. Sue me, I’m vain. I popped the photo into the Spring app, lengthened and slimmed, et voila.

For reference, I’m six feet tall, so I don’t really need the help, but the angle of the mirror made my legs look a little stubby. I’m not Holly, so I won’t pick apart whether every line in the edited photo is straight as a ruler, but I’m pretty impressed with myself, if I may say so. If I were scrolling down Instagram and saw this photo, I wouldn’t automatically think that I literally rearranged my anatomy to look taller and thinner.

Okay, so my random lobby selfie was pretty good, but what really stopped me in my tracks was this annoying mirror selfie I took at the gym a few months ago. I was feeling pretty good when I took this photo, and I look skinny for me, but I put it in the Spring app and oh my GOD. Whose legs are those? Where did my stomach go?? Am I a Greek god???

Should I quit my job and become a model? You don’t have to answer, I already put in my two-weeks notice.

Honestly, I probably need to delete this app from my phone after I’m done with this article, because I can already feel it f*cking with my mind. I look at these edited photos of myself and I feel good, but that feeling completely disappears when I remember that it’s not how I actually look. Then I’m just left feeling worse about my actual body than I did before the editing. Brittany and everyone else can do whatever they want, but this is not the energy that I need in my life.

Images: Spring / App Store; Brittany (3), Ciara, kyliejenner, mileycyrus, chiaraferragni / Instagram

Did Kristen Just Reveal Who’s Not Invited To Jax & Brittany’s Wedding?

When Kristen Doute’s nose isn’t deep in a mountain of Raquel’s pasta, it’s deeper in other people’s business. Since she finally settled down with a normal guy who doesn’t share a hair straightener with her, her only storyline on Vanderpump Rules is that she meddles in the lives of others. So it should come as no surprise to us that Kristen is on Twitter trumpeting who isn’t invited to Jax and Brittany’s wedding.

Okay, so:

James, Raquel, and Billie Lee are ? not invited to Brittany & Jax’s wedding.

Kristen #PumpRules

— kristen doute ??? (@kristendoute) February 5, 2019

I saw this tweet and was immediately dubious that anyone, least of all Jax and Brittany, would ever tell Kristen anything confidential. However, there might be some truth to what she is claiming, if the Vanderpump Rules stars’ social media habits mean anything. Yes, I keep tabs on this. No, I don’t have a life. No further personal questions, please. As of a week or two ago, Kristen actually was following Billie Lee, but she unfollowed her since. (I know this because I had researched it for another article that never came to fruition.) Given that this cast has the emotional maturity of 15-year-olds, Kristen deciding to unfollow Billie Lee likely means something happened between the two of them. Billie Lee still follows Kristen, though, which could mean that she has no idea Kristen has beef. Or it could mean Billie doesn’t keep an obsessive list of who from the VPR cast follows whom. (She’s not better than me!)

What’s perhaps more significant is that Jax also unfollowed Billie Lee recently. We all know Jax is real quick with the unfollow, so presumably something sparked him to do this, even if it was something insignificant and dumb. But Brittany and Billie Lee still follow each other, which I think means that either they are cool, or if they’re not, Brittany is not as petty as Jax. Even if Jax does have an issue with Billie, Brittany’s the bride, so she probably has more of a say in who gets invited to the wedding. Then again, Jax controls Brittany’s every move, sooo… Billie might be excluded from this narrative.

Let’s move on to Raquel and James. Not so surprisingly, Raquel and James don’t follow anyone from the cast and the cast doesn’t follow them back. Last night on WWHL, James admitted that he doesn’t expect to be invited to either Brittany or Lala’s wedding. Makes sense, given everything we’ve seen on the show so far, and I’ve got to respect James for being self-aware and not trying to pull a Kristen.

What is shocking is he said there’s a bigger chance that he’d be invited to Brittany and Jax’s wedding than to Lala’s. According to James, he and Jax tend to bounce back after ripping on each other and screwing each other over. Credit to James for being the only person in this cast ever to notice that this is literally what eventually happens with every cast member ever. It’s called the Circle of Life.

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@bravowwhl TONIGHT WITH ME BABY!!! ? @raquelleviss #pumprules (I look like a boss in this photo) ?

A post shared by James Kennedy (@itsjameskennedy) on

Jax and Brittany have yet to make a formal announcement about who’s invited to their wedding. However, I think Kristen making the announcement makes more sense. Jax saying who isn’t invited to the wedding would just devolve into him going on another tangent about how he has changed SO MUCH and NO ONE ELSE HAS before hawking protein powder or an electronic toothbrush. And Brittany is too nice to say anything until she’s left with absolutely no choice. So who better than Kristen to insert herself into drama that doesn’t concern her and f*ck up people’s lives? Nobody, that’s who.

We’ll have to keep watching and following on social media for more wedding developments, but one thing we can be sure of is there’s going to be plenty of drama.

Images: kristendoute / Twitter; itsjameskennedy / Instagram