Guys, we’re almost at the end of this season of Vanderpump Rules. I would take this time to do a little retrospective on everything that’s happened so far, but truthfully, I no longer have the memory span after spending infinite weeks without the company of someone my own age. All I can talk about now is what happened last night on 60 Minutes and speculate on the next time I may get a haircut.
Just as bleak as my quarantine situation is Tom and Tom’s matching shirt walk of shame to SUR to clean their toilets. We really couldn’t have fit this into last episode? Or just scrapped it entirely?
Actually I lied, just as bleak as my quarantine situation is Tom Schwartz’s erotic story of his fantasy of shaving Lisa Vanderpump’s legs. If I wanted to listen to My Dad Wrote A Porno, I would literally be doing that right now.
Thankfully we do get to see James’s DJing stint, which I’ve got to conclude was actually a separate night than what we saw last week and not a true bonafide spur-of-the-moment offer, but at this point I can’t be surprised by any lies these producers try to put forth.
Since Jax uninvited Sandoval from his pool party, Sandoval decided to throw a rival party instead. Brittany is unsurprisingly not thrilled, and I can’t wait to read the rage texts that will come from this.
Dayna, Brett, and his poodle hair sit in adjacent seats at dinner, which is all the evidence I need to prove that this relationship is as fake as Lala’s gangsta roots.
Charli asks why Brett always wears flannel. Dayna says it’s because he’s “like a sexy Paul Bunyan” and Charli can’t even stop herself from being like, “is he?? Is he though???” Why is this girl not on our TV more, but I have to watch these two emotionless clowns?
Brett says something truly perplexing about Max failing to give his express approval for him to sleep with Dayna: “It’s murky waters, but I got a big boat. 55 knots.” Is that a dick thing? I am unfamiliar with boating measurements; what’s the knot-to-inch conversion?
Brittany busts into the house, breaking the news to Jax that Sandoval is throwing his rival party. Brittany acts like they’ve stolen the baby name she’s had written down in her diary since childhood, not decided to throw a party because Jax uninvited them in the first place. Also, don’t think I missed Jax calling Sandoval a woman and adding, “not to bash women…” This guy wouldn’t know what sexism was if it hit him in the face. In the mirror. Because he is sexi—ok, you know what I’m getting at.
And it brings me absolutely no joy to report that manipulative Jax is back, everyone. The new Jason can’t come to the phone right now, because he’s dead, and in his place is the Jax we all know and love revile. Brittany says, “ya know, I can’t help but think this all wouldn’t have happened if you had just never sent that rage text to Max.” And Jax is like, “you know what, that was probably stupid of me, I shouldn’t have done that.”
F*CKING PSYCH! I told you this was Jax, not Jason! He goes into full, “Oh, what? So it’s my fault? So this is all my fault? So Tom Sandoval is a perfect angel and everything is my fault, as usual?” Maybe it’s because I fell asleep at 6am this morning, but I am f*cking exhausted of his bullsh*t already.
Ironically Jax takes a mouthful of pasta before angrily announcing he’s going to the gym, for the third time that day. Looks like he had some pasta before eating some pasta and then working out. Ya hate to see it.
Whoa, using Jax’s Instagram stories was an interesting break in the media. Though I fail to see how recording a Captain’s Log video diary of sorts of him in the car narrating that he’s going to the gym proves to us that he’s not cheating. He could just as easily be driving to or from some girl’s house, I’m just saying. No, you have trust issues!
Anyway, the Toms want to throw some one-year anniversary party and also they’re getting involved with some new garden restaurant Lisa is opening, for a whopping 10%. But are they splitting the 10% or do they each get 10%? This is crucial info that I’m sure Lisa will never divulge and Sandoval will continue to play up for the rest of eternity.
Dying at the fact that Jax is out here acting like women’s equality means publicly endorsing female workout instructors as tougher than the male ones, and saying they make the males “look like little girls”. I mean, it is one step up from utter and outright disdain of women, so, is it growth?
Ok, no, you’re right, I’m giving him way too much credit. It’s not growth. This feels like a fourth grader’s first brush with equality.
Lala goes over to see Brittany, and Jax calls her to be like, “My wife thinks I’m cheating on me because I’m going to the gym, can you believe it? Me! Cheating! Me!” as if no man has used the gym as a code word for some other bitch’s bed before and also Jax has never cheated on every single one of his significant others.
Brittany is not having it, and being like, “I actually am just picking up on a concerning pattern of behavior that you displayed right before you cheated on me.” Do we… stan? The awareness and articulation is kind of impressive—or the bar is just that low. Can’t tell. I kind of do feel bad for Brittany again. Jax held it together for like, what, one season tops? Great, so that’s… the rest of her life, minus a couple of months, of her dealing with this manipulative and scary pattern.
Even more awkward, Lala tries to ask James to DJ Jax’s pool party, but he’s already booked for Tom’s. Ya love to see it.
Okay, once was fun, twice was okay, but three of Jax’s rage Instagram Stories has really passed the point of necessity.
So now the gang is at Dayna’s comedy show, and already I have to suspend my disbelief too far, because Beau and Max get heckled from the back row. That has never once happened in my illustrious NY comedy spectating career, but maybe it’s an LA thing.
Okay, now Jax has completely devolved (too much, er, pre-workout?) and is angrily telling everyone he put his wedding ring back on, and is STILL MARRIED. Do you want a medal or what?
In explaining the pool party drama to Lisa, Ariana says what we have all been thinking: What is anybody losing by not being friends with Jax? I speak for literally all the viewers when I say, with the exception of last week’s chaotic evil episode, absolutely nothing. I would maybe miss Brittany, but I’m sure we’d catch her on the divorce edit.
Scheana makes a point of showing up to the post-show bar, but didn’t come to Dayna’s show? I would like to know why.
Other things I would like to know: the significance of the day Scheana put out her music video? Jax thinks it encroaches on some day of his—probably like, his dead dog’s half-birthday. Typical Jax.
It’s pretty sad that Dayna and Brett will make out on camera but won’t talk to their friends about it. Lol, Max is such a baby. That’s all I have to say about it. This is sad. Dayna, you and your monotone voice deserve better than this.
But of course Scheana is standing by her man, Max, and coming at Dayna and Brett for having a thing even if it hurt Max’s feelings. (And you can’t even blame this on shady editing.) If you ask me, Max’s feelings can get bent!
Instead of me providing commentary on Max and Brett’s yelling match, I will simply transcribe it:
Max: Dude, what are you doing, brah?
Brett: Bro, I’m not lying to you, bro.
Max: Dude, what’s mine say?
Brett: Sweet, no what’s mine say?
Max: Dude! No, what’s mine say?!
Stassi and Beau are right for saying that Dayna can do whatever the f*ck she wants, and Lala is kind of a joke for stirring this entire pot out of nowhere and then saying, “y’all are real f*cking messy right now.” This is like my mom complaining that I’m spoiled, as if some mysterious surrogate mom was the one who spoiled me.
After yet another rage-Instagram from Jax (I officially take back all honorary Emmys I’ve given to the producers because this horse has been beaten WELL post-mortem), we go see Brittany, Ariana, and Lisa volunteering somewhere (they’re just going through their old clothes, because surely homeless people need cashmere sweaters), and Brittany is rehashing the rage text drama.
Damn, Ariana is NOT holding back any punches, telling Brittany to her face that nobody would be friends with Jax if it weren’t for the fact that he was married to her. And then she goes on to name names of who suggested the pool party—I think Ariana might be the most loyal person on this whole show. When it comes to Tom, anyway. I stan.
Now Brittany is on the rage-text train! Oo, it’s a rage-text three-way call with Lala and Katie! What is wrong with these people, why can’t they hash out their issues at lunch like all the other Real Housewives?
Also, lmao @ Brittany for this:
Brittany: I heard it was your idea for this pool party
Also Brittany: I’m not blaming you.
Has anyone else noticed that any time they show Brittany in her home, she is taking a solitary shot? I’ve been in quarantine for months and I still haven’t resorted to taking shots by my f*cking self in an empty house.
If I had to choose, I too would go to Sandoval’s pool party. He’s got yurts set up in the backyard, he knows how to go the extra mile to create an ambiance.
I love seeing everyone show up to Tom and Ariana’s party while Jax and Brittany fume at home to their eight guests. The empire has fallen. This is truly the visual representation of the phrase “sucks to suck.”
Now, to be clear, what Tom and Ariana are doing is extremely petty. However, Jax was petty first. Two pettys (petties?) don’t make a right, but they do make for good TV.
Simultaneously, at both parties, we are still rehashing the Brett/Dayna/Max love triangle, and I am f*cking over it. Except that Brett is making no sense, claiming he doesn’t have feelings for Dayna, but that “when a penis penetrates a vagina, that’s feelings.” Oh okay, that only directly contradicts every experience I’ve had with a straight man thus far in my life. But sure, Brett.
Do you think he’s told Dayna he doesn’t have feelings for her? Not a chance. Also I laughed out loud at how Brett compares him making out with Dayna to “committing World War 83.” Brett, pray tell, what happened during World Wars 3-82?
So much has gone on at this party that it barely registered that Kristen and Carter are here, and, as they announce to Ariana, they’re dating.
I am LOVINGGG this Ariana, who’s taking shots at everyone with no regard, as she says about Stassi:“Okay, Regina George, you f*cking snob-ass bitch. Why do you keep pretending to care about being my friend, you f*cking snob??” Well, I guess we know who won’t be having a joint birthday party this year….
Another gem: Stassi turned her second bedroom into a shoe closet because she wanted to copy Scheana. And again, the Scheana disrespect is out of control! Imagine liking shoes that much. I don’t even like people that much.
Not gonna lie, I was going to gloss over the part where Sandoval invited James to DJ the TomTom one-year anniversary party, but then it became necessary when Katie told James she’s seen a lot of growth from him and gave him a hug.
Me:
Over at Jax’s, Stassi pulls Jax aside to be like, “bro, you good?” She says, “It looks like you’re losing your mind.” And Jax goes, “I am.” Jax, the mental health advocate, but only when it comes to his own mental health, because when anybody else opens up about their struggles, they’re faking it for sympathy!
Jax says something truly perplexing, but also very illuminating at the same time. “When you sprain your ankle, do you walk on it? No. Same thing with the brain, that’s just how the brain works!” Ohhh, so he just hasn’t been using his brain this entire time. Honestly, everything makes sense now.
Jax admits that he had a wedding and has a beautiful house and he’s still not happy. Hmm it’s almost as if getting married can’t fix a relationship. He admits he’s worried he’s going to take it out on Brittany. I predict he’s going to “take it out” on whatever hot nanny they hire the second Brittany gets pregnant. He truly is a WeHo Jeff Lowe. Let’s see if I’m right.
Images: Bravo; Giphy (2)
